Too Much Birthday

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I hear you, Sister Bear Berenstain!

You were just watching as Papa cut down a tree in the woods of Bear Country with Mama and Brother, when you noticed the peculiar rings around the tree stump.  After asking Papa what the rings were, he went into a long explanation about the meaning of the rings and how they tell us the age of the tree.  

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU ARE HAVING A HUGE 6TH BIRTHDAY BASH!

All your Bear friends showed up and even some of Brother’s friends.  Then, while playing spin the bottle (which by the way, is a little too risqué for a 6-year-old, don’t ya think?), the bottle pointed at you and you only kissed Brother because you were too shy (as a 6-year-old should be) and so his friends made fun of you!

And, not to mention the big surprise Papa had for you outside!  A carousel?  What the heck was Papa thinking?  He didn’t even check with Mama who is obviously the boss, before booking it!

Of course you were wailing, Oh Sister Bear!  It was way too overwhelming.  Simply,

Too Much Birthday!

The truth is I am overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and attention I received for my birthday!  I didn’t wail like Sister did, but I cried many tears of joy.

I also became quite tired of myself.  That’s when you know you have had too much birthday – when you can’t even stand yourself any longer.  Not to mention how many cakes I have eaten. 🙂

The all-girls week at the beach was incredible as was the party my friend had for me last weekend!  Unbelievable!  The only way to tell you about it is through pictures.  I hope they capture how much fun I had and how very fortunate I am.

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Beautiful day at the beach mid-Sept with the cousins.

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Brother in Law’s beautiful home  which hosted the cousin’s reunion.

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Mimosas Galore!

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I was treated to this amazing dinner – those are fried oysters! Thank you to all my cousins – Marias

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37th cake eaten

We would have eaten these two turkeys that walked through our yard also it we weren't so full!

We would have eaten these two turkeys that walked through the yard had we not been so “stuffed”!

Then, there was the other party.

Invitation Cover made by my friend's daughter

Invitation cover made by my friend’s daughter

One of my great friends had the idea to have all the ladies put on red lipstick in my honor (since I never leave home without mine on), so when I walked in the door this is what I was greeted by:

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A little freaky I know, but I am only authorized to show feet and lips on this post (and a few hands).

Delish food and champagne

Delish Food and Champagne

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Then my dear readers, there were the presents!

Beautiful Roses & Wine

Beautiful Roses & Wine

The most beautiful Rosary bead I have ever seen!

The most eclectic Rosary Beads I have ever seen! Thanks Mami (If only it came with directions…)

Coach & More Alex & Ani, thanks to my Sis

Chocolates, Coach bags & More Alex & Ani (thanks Sis)

Beautiful cheetah-print sweater. ROAR!

Beautiful cheetah-print sweater. ROAR!

Products all the way from the Blue Lagoon, Iceland. Thanks cuz.

Products all the way from the Blue Lagoon, Iceland. Thanks, Cuz.

A donation to the Arthritis Foundation on my behalf! Wow!  Thanks, Mama.

A donation to the Arthritis Foundation in my honor! Wow! Thanks, “Mama”.

Grapefruit Vodka with grapefruit seltzer from my fav Gremlin Food Mamahttp://gremlinfoodmom.blogspot.com/  check out her blog!

Grapefruit Vodka with grapefruit seltzer from my fav Gremlin Food Mama http://gremlinfoodmom.blogspot.com/ check out her blog!

A framed copy of one of my blog posts, which was published in the newspaper, what a thoughtful gift! 

And the most amazing present EVERY 50 year-old chick MUST have, given to me by my awesome “sweats as much as I do twin”!  

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We are talking, Hot Girl’s Pearls.  “Global Cooling, One Woman at a Time”!

I kid you not.  You place these wonderful pearls (I like to call them my balls) in the freezer and then put them on and voila!  Your hot flashes – or just hotness will freeze away!  Swish!  Not your hotness as in you are “hot”, but your miserable type of hotness.  And, I even got the black and white polka dot “sac” for my balls – so I can travel with them.  Hello???!!

Here I am "modeling" the pearls. LOL

Here I am “modeling” the pearls. LOL

So as you can see, I had way Too Much Birthday (as per  my hubby when he said, “Ok, your birthday needs to end, now”.)  But boy what a ride it has been!  Almost as good as riding in Sister’s carousel!

I guess 50 does Rock!

I guess 50 does Rock!

Since You’ve Been Gone, Oh 49 – I’ve…

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*Devoured the most succulent juicy and fat cheeseburger with bun and all.  Can I tell you that this must be what being in heaven is like.  I can die today and be the happiest dead 50-year-old!

*Congratulated Diana Nyad on her epic swim which occurred on the same day that I reached my destination (my 50s)!  Her swim (not unlike my swim), should be an inspiration to all to never give up!

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*Enjoyed the most beautiful exotic orchid I have ever seen – it being a birthday gift from an amazing and dear friend.

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*Had to pee a lot.  Nobody warned me that 50 meant wee wee!!

*Found out that I am a Rabbit, while eating at a new chinese restaurant.  

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And enjoyed their killer Mai Tai!

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*Tricked my family and friends and put fake piercings all over my face – including a bull ring in my nose!  They looked so real – I highly recommend doing this.  It was interesting to see their reaction and how uncomfortable they felt to even look at me.  My poor mom thought I had finally fallen off the edge and was ready to hospitalize me. LOL.

*Blown out a lot of candles:

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*Received my first Alex and Ani bracelet from my beautiful daughter!  It’s the Mom one. 🙂

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*Gotten myself a new giant piece (age 50 and over)  jigsaw puzzle.

*Sang at the top of my lungs – while using the facilities.

*Received a SPECIAL “gift” from another dear friend that I cannot really talk about.  Just trust me, it will help with my RA.

*Gotten lot’s of kisses and hugs and lovin’ from  wonderful people.

I leave this weekend for a girl’s getaway with 3 other crazy Latinas and then the following Sat “an event”  is taking place in my honor.

If you had told me all of this before, I would have skipped all that swimming and would have flown on the fastest jet – to my 50s!

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Except that, since you’ve been gone (a whole 3 days) my dearest 49, I’ve been informed that I need a root canal! NOOOOOOOOOOO! 

I’m 50 and I know it…

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TODAY is D day!!

Thank Goodness because I was getting exhausted from all that swimming! After much rest and partying, I will continue my swim THROUGH my 50s rather than TO my 50s.

I better get the day started because I have to:

*Figure out 50 ways to leave my lover

*Unleash the “inner goddess”
in me and set my “hard limits” thanks to 
50 Shades of Grey.

*I’ve got to figure out WHO the 50th president of the United States is.

*  Watch my 50-5 inch TV

* Remember the 50th episode of Seinfeld

* Listen to Fiddy Cent

* Look through the 50th best asses in the world by, Elite Daily  

http://elitedaily.com/envision/girls/asses-world/

* Say my ABCs, including the 50th letter

* Go 50/50 with you on any lottery winnings today

* Watch the 50  40 Year Old Virgin

* Dream about vacationing in the 50th State

*Not climb the 50th highest mountain in the world, Ismoil Somoni Peak

*Share 50 Scorpion Bowls with my fellow bday buddies like Mark Harmon, Keanu Reeves and… I guess I’ll invite  my husband’s and Andy’s from

http://ourlifein3d.com/

REAL LOVE

Salma Hayek  (a beatch beauty)

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*Dance to Brick House 50 times

And last but not least,

I think I will thank the heavens above for the wonderful life I have and the amazing friends and family I am so blessed with. For my beautiful and loving kids, my ok health and for the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with the man I so adore, who is my everything.

Thank you all for being in my life and for reading my silly words week after week.

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*I’m LMFAO (Laughing My Fifty Fat Ass Off
So Let’s Dance to I’m Fifty Sexy And I Know It
Wiggle WIggle Wiggle!

50 things I will NOT do on my 50th

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50 Things I will NOT do on my 50th:

1.  I will not – NOT cry 

2.  I will not clean

3.  I will not do laundry

4.  I will not make my bed

5.  I will not go running (on that day or ever)

6.  I will not diet

7.  I will not pick up the socks from the floor

8.  I will not – NOT be happy 

9.  I will not feed the children

10.  I will not feed the husband

11.  I will not feed anyone

12.  I will not – NOT embarrass my children 

13.  I will not fake a smile

14.  I will not wear deodorant 

15. I will not put the cap back on the toothpaste tube  

16.  I will most certainly not replace the toilet paper

17. I will not flush

18.  I will not stop humming

19.  I will not wear a bra

20.  I will not get dressed

21.  I will not pay the bills

22.  I will not paint my own nails

23.  I will not stop watching reality tv

24.  I will not cut my carbs –damn it

25.  I will not use PAM instead of butter

26.  I will not hold my gut in

27.  I will not let my vagus nerve control me

28.  I will not use tonic in my gin and tonic

29.  I will not delicately sip my wine

30.  I will not wipe the wet floor after my shower -(if I shower…)

31.  I will not get off the computer

32.  I will not fill the ice tray- again

33.  I will not floss

34.  I will not take my meds

35.  I will not stop dancing

36.  I will not sing in tune

37.  I will not give back rubs

38.  I will not water the dying plant

39.  I will not use a glass when drinking milk

40.  I will not have RA

41.  I will not stop shaking my leg uncontrollably because it annoys my husband.

42.  I will not share the covers

43.  I will not – NOT be first in everything

44.  I will not turn down my cell phone ring tone

45.  I will not flatten my hair

46.  I will not stop eating

47.  I will not stop drooling

48.  I will not stop saying, What?

49.  I will not twerk (on that day only)

50.  I will not feed Ron the fish 

 

There Once Was A Girl Turning 50…In A Few Weeks

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There once was a girl turning fifty

Who thought of herself pretty nifty

She had many friends

And some of them hens

Cackling and laughing all night

She had quite a past she was hiding (not really)

In case they came after her while dining

She acted real tough

Even though things got rough

Cuz that’s how her cookie crumbled

She was full of life

And such the sexy wife

Who kept her man always smiling

She sure did love food

Everything was so damn good

Eating became a real passion

What lay ahead

She scratched her balding head

In the next fifty years to come?

She had a choice

To use her wise voice

And drink herself to oblivion

Ignoring her sagging giant arms

Yet watching them go jiggle jiggle

Multiple chins for her comfort

Which most definitely should be illegal

Life would be fine

With a lot of good wine

So she didn’t really have to worry

Botox was easily accessible

Although transformation – not possible

She looked at her thighs

With an abundance of sighs

But smiled when she saw no cellulite

It was what it was

Que sera sera

She was just going to have to accept it

So she forged on ahead

And went back to bed

Since she could no longer avoid it

She thought about her fate

But then it got very late

And off to slumberland she went 

Excitement grew near

Or was it something in her rear?

And she knew she could no longer wait

Because soon my good friends, she would open

 the next half-century gate 

One Month From Today, I Could Drown or Be Eaten By A Shark

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I have been documenting the swim to my 50’s since March of this year.  So far so good.  A couple of leg cramps here and there and some swallowed salty water along the way but generally speaking, my strokes have been smooth.  I have stayed afloat (sort of) and continue to breathe rhythmically.  Phew!

 Exactly one month from today, the big day will come.  HOLY #%*@!!!  It’s almost here!  The big 5-0.  The day I could…drown or get eaten by a shark.  It’s true. 

The day that the swimming comes to a halt.  On that day, I will either drown and get swallowed up by the immense dark terrifying ocean of the 50’s, or get swallowed up by an immense terrifying Great White of the 50’s.  

There will be no escaping my fate.  If it is to be a shark, it will begin to circle around me a few days before planning its attack.  It might nudge me once or twice.  It will get bolder and take a chunk of my foot.  Then it will circle some more.  It will come back for my leg.  All of it.  Soon it will alert his friends and they will finish me up tugging and jerking me around like a rag doll.  Swallowed up.  The whole half century of my life, Gone.  Now, officially 50.

Or, I could just drown.  Let the ocean swallow me up alive drifting my body and soul towards the next half century of my life.  

But you know what?  I am thinking that I may ask for a life boat.  Even a small raft.  I may tread water, doggy paddle like crazy and stay above water.  Maybe I will take a break from my swim for a bit and party my ass off.  Yea.  That sounds better.  Maybe I will cheer and celebrate like crazy.  This brickhousechick is no quitter, damn it!  She never gives up and she will continue the long distance swim through her 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80′ and beyond.

I will reflect on the past 50 years.  I will remember the tidal waves, tsunamis and shark infested waters I have lived through.  Also the calm beautiful clear waters I encountered, that made my journey a joy.

I think I will play my <a href=”http:/

“>favorite song throughout the whole month and dance like nobody is watching (cervical stenosis or not).

Won’t you join me?