‘Sanks-God’ that I learned English at the age of 9. The earlier you can learn a second language the better.
Some of the known benefits of starting early include, getting higher standardized test scores (didn’t experience that benefit), higher confidence (ok, yes), flexing and exercising your brain muscles to give you a significantly larger density of grey matter (is that what’s clogging up my brain?) and developing a more natural native-like sounding accent.
In other words, if Spanish is your first language, learning English at an early age will ensure that you do not sound like Gloria from Modern Family or Jack Black in Nacho Libre.
I have developed a list of situations to avoid should you be one of the wonderful native Spanish speakers who did not get the opportunity to master the English language early-enough. I sanks my mother for inspiring me to come up with this list.
1. When attending church services, whatever you do, do not wish anyone any kind of peace. No matter how much you try and how slowly you speak, you are going to end up wishing them, piss on earth. When others shake your hand to say, Peace Be With You, simply reply by saying, You too.
2. Never tell anyone if you have seen the movie, Meet the Fockers. Do not attempt to repeat the title. Just tell them you saw the movie with Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller.
3. When shopping for linens, make sure you know the store well. Know what aisle everything is in so as to avoid having to ask an employee where anything is. Particularly the bed shits.
4. When speaking, in general, try to smile as much as possible. Even though you may be in a perfectly good mood, others might interpret your pronunciation of every single vowel to have an…angry tone. Perhaps the fact that you are yelling, might contribute to this misconception.
5. If a storm is coming, particularly the windy rainy type of storm, do NOT refer to the actual name used to describe such storm. Just say, a windy storm. Otherwise, people might think you are forcing them to hugh-rry up. In other words, do not tell your neighbors to run to the store to stock up on canned goods in preparation for the Hugh-rry-cane.
6. There is no E in the word Spain. Only one, in the word Speak. Definitely only two, in the word Sleep. I know it is difficult to ‘e-stay’ on track with this rule, but try just saying the Sssss sound without that E.
The final and most important item on this list:
7. Forrrrrr-get all about de list above, and e-say whatever ju wan tu e-say. Be proud dat ju no tuu lan-guajes and make de oderrr pipol have tu under-e-stand ju. Ju are who ju are.
Piss Be With Ju All.