“Chickiti-Chickiti” in an Elevator? Why Not!

entertainment weekly

entertainment weekly

 

As a barely moving vivacious 50-something empty-nester, something I think about more often than when my nest was full, is engaging in some steamy chickiti-chickiti.  Yes, by chickiti-chickiti, I mean well… you know (I’m Catholic and family members read my posts so don’t make me say it!)

Going down the list of all the ingredients needed for an ideal chickiti-chickiti recipe at this stage in our lives, I checked our pantry to see what Mr. B and I had:

4 c. of desire =  CHECK!

2 heaping Tb. spoons of sexiness = shit, we only have 1/2 ounce left

2 fit bodies = the expiration date says 1/31/87

3 gallons of wine = CHECK!

 A minimum of 1 slinky lingerie = do Cuddl Duds count?

1 unlimited prescription of small blue pills = I’m not telling…

A huge amount of privacy = CHECK!

So, on a recent business trip where I accompanied Mr. B, we were feeling even more adventurous than usual.  Our hotel had an abundance of floors,  making the elevator ride…slower and longer.

It was late at night.

There was mega alcohol in our systems.

We were alone in the elevator.

The desire was palpable.

The lust…untamable.

Excitement took over us as he leaned in for a passionate kiss while his hands explored my not so sexy body.  What a rush…

That’s when it happened.

My ears popped.

Not only did they pop, but they hurt!

Can you say, MOOD KILLER!!!?

 

 

I begged Mr. B to stop at once.

 

He asked me what was wrong, but I could not hear out of either ear.

 

 The elevator doors opened to our floor.

 

 

The end.

What I Plan To Do When The Kids Are Gone

minniepauz.com

minniepauz.com

As you may have heard by now, my youngest will be heading to college this fall.  My son will be a Junior and is 4 1/2 hours away and my daughter will be 5 1/2 hours away.  Although she is never home now and we already feel that the nest is somewhat empty, there are still traces of offspring spread throughout the house.   I know that I am going to miss them terribly and that I have yet to realize this fact.

However, in preparation for the fall, I decided to come up with a list of what I plan to do with this new-found freedom:

1.  First and foremost, I plan to run (wellmostly saunter) around the house completely NAKED and not afraid!  Not afraid to be caught by the kids or their friends and not afraid about scarring them for life.

2.  I cannot wait to swear like a drunken sailor.  YES!  No more worrying about the kids hearing me or having to use lame words like sugar, fudge and jeepers.  I plan to swear in English and Spanish and do it loudly and with real feeling!  So excited, I can hardly contain myself.

3.  You bet your little nalga that I will be making-out with Mr. Brickhouse at all times of the day and night, without worrying about the kids being completely grossed out.

colourbox.com I will continue to wear red lipstick

colourbox.com
(I will continue to wear red lipstick)

4.  I am looking forward to telling my dumb jokes without fear of being criticized by my teens. Mr. Brickhouse does not know it yet but he will listen, fake laugh and pretend that they are funny.  (If not, #1 and #3 will NOT happen.)

5.  I will sing (while naked) as much as I want, to whatever lame song I want to sing to (particularly, It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls.)

6.  I plan to binge on all the junk food my brickhouse tummy craves.  I am talking the real good stuff! Snacks that are processed to death, loaded with synthetic trans fats, overflowing with corn syrup, food coloring (the orange stuff in Cheetos – yum), hydrogenated oils,  aspartame, saccharin, nitrates, MSG, genetically engineered flavors and an abundance of preservatives.   Nom nom nom…

worldwideinterweb.com

worldwideinterweb.com (relaxing Cheetos bath)

7.  I will no longer use the kids’ sippy cups (even though they are 20 and 18)  to disguise my mommy juice.  I will chug drink right out of the bottles, mostly so I do not have to do dishes – which will also be eliminated.  Can you say, eat right out of the pots and pans?

8.  I will freely perhaps experiment with certain (not available to me yet) medicinal alternatives like herbs, vitamins and such…when wine, sangria & gin fall short of their ability to successfully numb my arthritic pain.  Or, just because.

9.  And finally, YES, I will be doing what you have all been thinking about since you saw the title of this post, with more…frequency and perhaps with an uninhibited freedom, typical of couples residing in a childless home.  I am of course talking about:

 USING OIL BASED HOUSE PAINT!  

There, I said it!

Any other suggestions?

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