****WARNING: This post contains an insane amount of exclamation marks!!!!!!****
How often does one see a mole scurrying around their bedroom in the middle of the day? Anyone?
And I am not talking a mole like, on your face:

dreamstime.com
I am talking a dark furry disgusting blind rodent like this one:

dreamstime.com
Don’t give me that, “it’s kind of cute” business, because – it is NOT.
Questions: What the heck is a MOLE? What is the difference between a MOLE a VOLE a SHREW and a MOUSE and more importantly, why is it in MY ROOM?
Answer: No difference, they are all disease-causing parasite ridden barbarians that do NOT belong in my bedroom!!!
For the love of children all around the world, why am I being punished? It was bad enough having a gigantic pregnant spider in my coat closet a couple of months ago, now this?

Let me tell you the burrowing details;
My daughter and I were hanging out on my bed (well, technically it’s also Mr. brickhouse’s bed but he wasn’t home) last Saturday morning chatting away, while still wearing our batas (bathrobes). My son had a college friend over for the weekend.
All was lovely and peaceful, when suddenly my daughter yells out, “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! There is a black mouse right there, OH MY GOD!!!!!”
Typically, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, I tend to stay calm during emergencies and try not to show fear so that my kids stay calm as well. This did not happen.
Are you insane, daughter of mine????? You must be hallucin…HOLY GuacaMOLE!!! There it is! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While standing on the bed utterly horrified, we yelled out in unison, “MATT!!!!!!!!!! HELP US, THERE IS A MOUSE in here!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!
Traumatized by our screams, the little savage squeezed under the bedroom door and ran out into the hallway. But as my son and his friend were running toward our room to rescue us (wait for it…) the rabid earthworm- eater came BACK into the room and disappeared behind my dresser. Did you know that their saliva is toxic and they use it to paralyze the worms they capture? Yea.
Before I go on, are you able to truly appreciate – shear hysteria? Have you ever suffered or witnessed someone else suffering from a full blown case of irrational and diabolical hysteria? No? Well, let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. Especially, if you are an educated adult, a parent and many years older than your children.
My son and his friend (who will likely never return to our home after this debacle) ran into the room and began looking for the brute. It ran behind the TV. It hid behind the file cabinet. It scurried across my papers on the floor. They chased it, they tried capturing it and hitting it with a stick. But the little vermin was too fast.
Needless to say, my daughter and I had stopped breathing at this point and had no feeling in any of our limbs. Get the f-in thing, NOW or I will kill you both!!! Yes, I actually said those exact words to the two boys…
Next thing we know, it runs back out under the door into the hallway and straight to the bathroom. The boys lock themselves in the tiny bathroom with their weapons to try to catch the beast. Meanwhile, my daughter and I stuff a towel under the door blocking any possible re-entry and barricade ourselves in the bedroom.

vastplanetnews – barricade
The boys came out of the bathroom and informed us that the thing was GONE! Vanished! Not in the bathroom! WHAT?????????????????? ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME?? I TOLD YOU TO GET IT NOW OR I WOULD KILL YOU! LOOK AGAIN! IT CAN’T BE GONE!! PLEASE, GET IT NOW!! Yes, I yelled out those exact words.
“Mom, it must have gone down the dryer vent or something, it is not in the bathroom!”
My daughter and I held each other tight and began to whimper. For the love of God, GET HIM, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two hours later, we were still barricaded in the bedroom with no intention of ever coming out. We tried to read and pass the time as best we could but every couple of minutes one of us would say, “Oh my God, I’m going to die. Where is it? I am never leaving this room, ever!!!!
After my son came in to check on us to make sure we were still breathing, he closed the door and left. The towel!!! He messed up the towel under the door! At that moment, I stared my daughter down and demanded she go secure the towel tightly in the event the monster came back. “No mom, I’m too scared. What if it’s hiding in the towel?” My eyes widened and with pure and raw intimidation I replied, IF YOU DON’T FIX THE DAMN TOWEL NOW, WE ARE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” Yes, I said those exact words.

google
Yup, this was me
That’s when my son’s friend (who feared for his life now) yelled out that he could see the killer (the mole not me) going down the basement stairs. He and my son cornered it and trapped it using my wicker wastebasket. Prolem: the wastebasket had small holes all around it and the savage was trying to squeeze out of one of the holes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

wickerliving
Not a good mole trap.
My son quickly put the wastebasket inside one of his big fishing buckets. It let out a deafening high pitch squeal as it tried to climb up the bucket. OMG! Kill me now!!!
My son yelled out, “I think it’s a vole or maybe a mole, take a look at it mom.” NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Put a cover on that bucket, or it will get out!!! “Mom, it can’t climb up the bucket!” I don’t care, cover it up NOW!!
Because Mr. brickhouse is a biologist, we decided we better not kill it (damn biologists) and left the bucket outside so that he could identify it and get rid of it once he got home.
I braved it and decided to take a peek at it. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! It was black and furry and had a horrid pointy nose and paws with one extra thumb on each paw and it was shiny and gross and what the hell was this subterranean evil-doer doing inside my house!?

talesofamoleman
Just as my daughter and I were beginning to regain our strength, it occurred to me. What if there are more of them???? Where is its mama? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been three days since the horrifying incident and my daughter and I are still being treated for having a severe case of MOLE-phobia, to which there is no known cure.
If you give a mole a muffin…