My 2015 Brick-olutions!

crazywebsite.com

crazywebsite.com

1.  Get over the fact that I hate odd numbers (2015 = UGH!)

2.  FAKE IT with Mr. Brickhouse and continue to pretend that I am asleep when he comes to bed…so I don’t have to give him a back rub (really) every single night (for the love of God.)

3.  Stop watching CNN…or any other ’round the clock sensational verbal diarrhea, disguised as a news station.

4.  Hope that this is the year that the hair on my mustache will stop growing.

5.  Prepare this killer body of mine for bikini season. (Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha)

6.  Be more present and mindful with my misery  actions by listening to my bitching  breathing intently, while taking in the chaos  beauty around me and spreading loath love to the people I care about, as well as the ones that annoy the hell out of me  have yet to love themselves. Only I Matter Namaste.

7.  Decide which of the books I want to write will alienate my family the least, reveal only some of the dysfunctional and dark skeletons and ensure that I still receive my inheritance. 

8.  Continue to kick RA’s big ass and pulverize it once and of all.

9.  Master the art of kegel-ing so that I can control my bladder and avoid urinary incontinence and other pelvic floor problems…like ruining my wood floors.  Oh, and possibly improving my sexual performance while I’m at it.

10.  Plan my new year’s eve activities better so that I am not stuck at home (like tonight) watching Ryan Seacrest NOT coming out of the closet.

Love you all!

‘All’s Right With The World’- Now

My life is now complete.

I have waited for this very moment.

Nothing else matters.

Nothing can get me now.

I am safe.

I am whole.

I am one…

with my, COCK SOUP!

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Thank you, my lovely friend Nancy Teixeira from myyearofsweat  

for sending me my winning and may I add, huge prize;

For filling my empty hole 

For saving me deeply

For throwing me a bone

For keeping me erect when I wanted to go limp

For thrusting me out of my funk

For being there during my hard times

For helping me ride it out

For encouraging me to juggle the many balls in my life

For making me realize that life does not always suck

You

Complete

Me

*******************

*I can only hope that John from A Napper’s Companion is just as satisfied with his prize.

SPANISH MID-TERM EXAM – LAST CHANCE TO WIN! DID YOU FORGET TO IDENTIFY YOURSELF? AY!

carlexonline.com

carlexonline.com

Amigos!

If you haven’t taken the exams, vamos!  They are muy facil!

There are a few things I have learned about you lovely estudiantes of mine.  Your Spanish es muy bueno and your answers so far are right on target…

BUT:

You lovely estudiantes did not follow instrucciones and so you may not get to win the

SPANISH PRIZE!!

DON’T FORGET YOU NEED TO IDENTIFY YOURSELVES NEXT TO YOUR ANSWERS OR I WON’T KNOW WHO ANSWERED WHAT!

QUE????

joysze.blogspot.com

joysze.blogspot.com

So get your NALGAS back to the post and answer again, including your name:

Spanish Exams

You have until TOMORROW (3/4/14) to answer!  Winner will be announced on WEDNESDAY 3/5/14.

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MÁS Español (Spanish Lesson Numero Tres) – SEXO

puzzleclopedia.com

puzzleclopedia.com

BUENOS DIAS MIS ESTUDIANTES!

I hope you have been practicing what you learned in lección numero Uno and lección numero DOS.  If you haven’t, head back over there so you can review before the mid-term exam coming up!

A while back, I wrote a post about euphemisms used to describe the act of making love:

Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another you’ve been “messing around”

There are some doozies out there like, Roasting the Broomstick,  but this is a SPANISH lesson and you need to know your euphemisms en Español!  

After all,  SEXO is the UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE.

*****WARNING : Mature Subject Matter*****

Let’s Begin:

“TO MAKE LOVE”

(I don’t mean let’s begin to actually make love, I mean let’s begin with the euphemisms used to describe making love)

1.  Voulez Vou Coucher Avec Moi  – Ay lo siento, this is French – oops!

2.  Mojar el bizcocho – wet the cake

3.  Derritir la quesadilla – melt the quesadilla

4.  Bajar la caña  – lower the sugar cane

5.  Ponerle la peluca al perro – putting the wig on the dog

16693614-funny-clown-dog--english-bulldog-wearing-purple-clown-wig-on-white-background

“MISCELLANEOUS WORDS”

1.  Incremento NegativoSHRinkage

2.  El lugar donde la espalda pierde su honesto nombre (the place where the back loses its respectable name) — buttocks

3.  Mujer pública – prostitute

4.  Albondigas (meatballs) – testicles

yummly.com

yummly.com

5.  La Cotorra (parrot) – a woman’s private lower parts

6.  Ganso (goose) – a man’s private part

repmanblog.com

repmanblog.com

*EXTRA CREDIT:

*Tránsito intestinal – bowel movement

*****************************

 There will be a MID TERM EXAM on lessons 1-3  on February 28, 2014 (Seriously)                          

Make sure to STUDY all three lessons because the estudiante with the highest grade will win a REAL prize!  

*Details to follow

Don’t forget to rrrrrroll those RRRRRRRRRRRRRRs!

 *May your weekend be filled with MUCHOS Bizcochos & Quesadillas

depositphotos.com

depositphotos.com

depositphotos_12138996-Cheese-quesadillas

depositphotos

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Más Español (Spanish Lesson Numero Dos) – How to Get Published

google.com

google.com

Apúrate, Apúrate!

My Spanish class is filling up quicker than my Depends pad – which means it’s overflowing with students chomping at the bits to enroll in this one of a kind state of the art educational and entertaining program.

This is why I have extended the enrollment period and added 500 new slots.  As per the high demand, I wanted to make sure I don’t leave any of you out from experiencing this unique set of lessons.

Here is another preview of the type of pertinent information you will learn to say, en Español .

How to plug your book to an agent

1.  At a Writer’s Conference:  Hola agente, no pierda su tiempo con estas personas inútiles, yo soy la mejor autora aquí’, duh. = Hello agent, don’t waste your time with these useless people; I am the best author here, duh.

2.  While giving your pitch:  Tengo espinaca entre mis dientes?  = Do I have spinach stuck in my teeth?

randomlyedible.com

randomlyedible.com

3.  Mire que lindo es el papel que yo usé para escribir mi manuscrito, me dará puntos por eso?  = Look at this pretty paper I used for my manuscript, do I get points for that?

dreamstime.com

dreamstime.com

4.  El género literario de mi libro es una combinación de erotica mezclada con ciencia ficción con un poco de poesía e misterio y autobiografía.  Si no le gusta, vayase p’al carajo = My book genre is a combination of erotica mixed in with science-fiction with a tad of poetry, mystery and autobiography.  If you don’t like it, go to hell.

Bonus Random Lesson:

Justin Bieber, que tipo de producto de pelo tu usas?  Justin Beiber, what type of hair product do you use?

Stay tuned for Lección Número: 

google.com

google.com

Is It Wrong That I Love Chubby?

chubby_baby

image by google

Kids – that is.

There is nothing yummier than layers upon layers of baby rolls and folds and dimples and crevices and roly-poly bellies and plump thighs and rotund cheeks and quadruple tubby chins.  Utterly, edible.

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Nom…nom..nom…
pinterest.com

It’s an obsession I have had since I was a young skinny lass.  My family knows too well that if there is a young chubbo in the room, I am a goner.  They roll their eyes and say, “Here we go…a chubby baby”.

I cannot help myself.  My legs go weak and buckle, my eyes go bug-eye, my tongue dangles lifeless over my chin, I gasp for air, my voice goes up 130 decibels…well, I think you get the picture now.

weddingbee.com

Moms hold your chubby babies tight when I’m around weddingbee.com

They are just so damn irressistable.

Take a look at this chubster.  Who needs a bidet anyway?

Chubby-Baby-300x216

image by google

It’s not just chubby babies that I adore.  I will also kill for chubby toddlers.  They are everything adorable chubby babies are except for now, those rolls, folds & crevice-infested beings, move around and talk!  Me muero!

Imagine my surprise and delight when a little super chubby 4/5 year old boy approaches me at Target yesterday.  I almost peed a lot a little.  Except that this precious ball of chubbiness was alone and he was crying!

I scrouched down to his level and asked him what was wrong.

Tub-tub:  I can’t find my family (whimper, whimper).

Me:  (holding back the urge to squeeze him) Oh, honey it’s ok, I’ll help you find your family.  Don’t you worry.

Tub-tub:  Maybe they went to the mall without me (whimper, sniff, whimper).

Me: Oh no honey, I am sure they are looking for you right now.  I know that your mommy and daddy told you not to talk to or go with strangers so I am not going to hold your hand (even though I want to stuff you in my cart and take you home) but I want you to hold the cart and we will go together to the customer service desk to find your family.

Tub-tub:  What if they went to get food without me? (sob..sob..sniff)

Me:  Oh no, they wouldn’t get food without you.  What’s your name sweetie?

Tub-tub:  Oscar.

Me:  Ok Oscar, we are going to have the store call your mommy over the loud speaker so that she knows where to come get you.  Is that alright (you bundle of irresistible toddler lard, you?)

Oscar and I sit on a bench by the desk waiting for the mama to get paged

Target Lady:  Will Shelley please report to the courtesy desk, Shelley.

I spot a “Shelley” and an older brother running towards us pushing their cart.

Shelley:  Oh honey,  you knew just where to go so that I would find you!

Me:  Ehh…actually I brought him here (had it taken you two more minutes to get your *ss here, he would have been MY Oscar).

Shelley:  Oh, thank you and I’m sorry.  Oscar, it’s ok.  You drifted off to the toy aisle and we couldn’t find you.

Oscar:  Sniff-sniff, whimper-whimper, hug-hug

Big Brother:  Why did you leave to look at toys, stupid?

As I say my goodbyes and start walking away I hear Oscar say;

Don’t ever leave me alone again, that made me very sad!!!

I love me some chubby Oscar.

 

trollme.com

trollme.com

“Noe H-ablow Es-panole” – A Spanish Lesson

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Unless you have been living under a rock (which would be nice, wouldn’t it?), you have heard that Spanish, is the second most used language in the U.S.

According to pewresearch.org, “Spanish is by far the most spoken non-English language in the U.S. today among people ages 5 and older. It is also one of the fastest-growing, with the number of speakers up 233% since 1980, when there were 11 million Spanish speakers.”

Bottom Line:  Andale, Andale people!  Get with the programa!

Your choices are to dust off that high school Spanish textbook,  invest in Rosetta Stone or (the better option) enroll in brickhousechick’s Spanish Lesson/s.  (Depending on the enrollment numbers, more lessons will be taught in future posts.)

This first lesson costs no dinero – because I love you all.  Let’s get started:

*  I will phonetically spell the words out to help you with pronunciation

(because I am muy bonita)

1.  Useful Spanish words to say in your casa with your familia:

* Cayatey la bowka, e-diotah! – Cayate la boca, idiota! = Shut your mouth, idiot!

* Feyo esposo/a,  da-mey me coemeedah a-aura!Feo esposo/a,  dame mi comida ahora! =  Ugly spouse, give me my food now!

* Dah-may el clicky-clicky, din-bat! – Dame el clicky-clicky, din-bat! = Give me the remote you dingbat!

* Noe voy a sahkar la malldeetah ba-soorah – No voy a sacar la maldita basura! = I’m not taking the damn trash out! 

morguefile

morguefile

   Muy bien, amigos.  Your pronunciation was excelente.  Take a 5 minute siesta or go drink a cold cerveza and come right back.  I will be waiting.

All set?  Vamos!

2.  Useful Spanish words to say while at the DMV:

take-number-9858879

* May goose-tarhea raynovar me leeciencia, por fa-vore –Me gustaría renovar mi liciencia, por favor. = I would like to renew my license, please.

*Ohyay Saynore bagow kay noe teeanay oh-trah veedah e ah kien lay enkantah estar en controll, coemow kay es-tah ventahnah estah ser-ada? – Oye, Señor bago que no tiene otra vida y al quien le encanta estar en control, como que esta ventana esta cerrada?  =  Listen, lazy guy who has no life and loves to be in control, what do you mean this window is closed?

*Porkay daymonios estan towdos los emplayahdos  almor-sandoe à la meesmah vez? – Por que demonios están todos los empleados almorzando à la misma vez? = Why the hell are all the employees at lunch at the same time?

Fabuloso!  

You all did a great job repeating the phrases.  Before you know it, you will be one of  406 million people speaking this all-important language.

Enrollment is now open.