MÁS Español (Spanish Lesson Numero Tres) – SEXO




I hope you have been practicing what you learned in lección numero Uno and lección numero DOS.  If you haven’t, head back over there so you can review before the mid-term exam coming up!

A while back, I wrote a post about euphemisms used to describe the act of making love:

Heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another you’ve been “messing around”

There are some doozies out there like, Roasting the Broomstick,  but this is a SPANISH lesson and you need to know your euphemisms en Español!  


*****WARNING : Mature Subject Matter*****

Let’s Begin:


(I don’t mean let’s begin to actually make love, I mean let’s begin with the euphemisms used to describe making love)

1.  Voulez Vou Coucher Avec Moi  – Ay lo siento, this is French – oops!

2.  Mojar el bizcocho – wet the cake

3.  Derritir la quesadilla – melt the quesadilla

4.  Bajar la caña  – lower the sugar cane

5.  Ponerle la peluca al perro – putting the wig on the dog



1.  Incremento NegativoSHRinkage

2.  El lugar donde la espalda pierde su honesto nombre (the place where the back loses its respectable name) — buttocks

3.  Mujer pública – prostitute

4.  Albondigas (meatballs) – testicles



5.  La Cotorra (parrot) – a woman’s private lower parts

6.  Ganso (goose) – a man’s private part




*Tránsito intestinal – bowel movement


 There will be a MID TERM EXAM on lessons 1-3  on February 28, 2014 (Seriously)                          

Make sure to STUDY all three lessons because the estudiante with the highest grade will win a REAL prize!  

*Details to follow

Don’t forget to rrrrrroll those RRRRRRRRRRRRRRs!

 *May your weekend be filled with MUCHOS Bizcochos & Quesadillas





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Más Español (Spanish Lesson Numero Dos) – How to Get Published



Apúrate, Apúrate!

My Spanish class is filling up quicker than my Depends pad – which means it’s overflowing with students chomping at the bits to enroll in this one of a kind state of the art educational and entertaining program.

This is why I have extended the enrollment period and added 500 new slots.  As per the high demand, I wanted to make sure I don’t leave any of you out from experiencing this unique set of lessons.

Here is another preview of the type of pertinent information you will learn to say, en Español .

How to plug your book to an agent

1.  At a Writer’s Conference:  Hola agente, no pierda su tiempo con estas personas inútiles, yo soy la mejor autora aquí’, duh. = Hello agent, don’t waste your time with these useless people; I am the best author here, duh.

2.  While giving your pitch:  Tengo espinaca entre mis dientes?  = Do I have spinach stuck in my teeth?



3.  Mire que lindo es el papel que yo usé para escribir mi manuscrito, me dará puntos por eso?  = Look at this pretty paper I used for my manuscript, do I get points for that?



4.  El género literario de mi libro es una combinación de erotica mezclada con ciencia ficción con un poco de poesía e misterio y autobiografía.  Si no le gusta, vayase p’al carajo = My book genre is a combination of erotica mixed in with science-fiction with a tad of poetry, mystery and autobiography.  If you don’t like it, go to hell.

Bonus Random Lesson:

Justin Bieber, que tipo de producto de pelo tu usas?  Justin Beiber, what type of hair product do you use?

Stay tuned for Lección Número: 



How to Maste-rrr & E-speek the English Language

‘Sanks-God’ that I learned English at the age of 9.  The earlier you can learn a second language the better.  

Some of the known benefits of starting early include, getting higher standardized test scores (didn’t experience that benefit), higher confidence (ok, yes), flexing and exercising your brain muscles to give you a significantly larger density of grey matter (is that what’s clogging up my brain?) and developing a more natural native-like sounding accent.

In other words, if Spanish is your first language, learning English at an early age will ensure that you do not sound like Gloria from Modern Family or Jack Black in Nacho Libre.

I have developed a list of situations to avoid should you be one of the wonderful native Spanish speakers who did not get the opportunity to master the English language early-enough.  I sanks my mother for inspiring me to come up with this list.

1.  When attending church services, whatever you do, do not wish anyone any kind of peace.  No matter how much you try and how slowly you speak, you are going to end up wishing them, piss on earth.  When others shake your hand to say, Peace Be With You, simply reply by saying, You too.

2.  Never tell anyone if you have seen the movie, Meet the Fockers. Do not attempt to repeat the title.  Just tell them you saw the movie with Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller.

3.  When shopping for linens, make sure you know the store well.  Know what aisle everything is in so as to avoid having to ask an employee where anything is.  Particularly the bed shits.

4. When speaking, in general, try to smile as much as possible.  Even though you may be in a perfectly good mood, others might interpret your pronunciation of every single vowel to have an…angry tone. Perhaps the fact that you are yelling, might contribute to this misconception.

5.  If a storm is coming, particularly the windy rainy type of storm, do NOT refer to the actual name used to describe such storm.  Just say, a windy storm.  Otherwise, people might think you are forcing them to hugh-rry up.  In other words, do not tell your neighbors to run to the store to stock up on canned goods in preparation for the Hugh-rry-cane.

6.  There is no E in the word Spain.  Only one, in the word Speak.  Definitely only two, in the word Sleep. I know it is difficult to                  ‘e-stay’ on track with this rule, but try just saying the Sssss sound without that E.

The final and most important item on this list:

7.  Forrrrrr-get  all  about  de  list  above, and  e-say  whatever  ju  wan  tu  e-say.  Be  proud dat  ju  no  tuu  lan-guajes  and  make  de  oderrr  pipol  have  tu  under-e-stand  ju.   Ju  are who  ju  are.

Piss Be With Ju All.