How Nothing About My Body Is On Fleek And Why I Don’t Give A Flying Fleek

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Is it me or is the phrase, on fleek annoying as hell?  Have you heard it used before?  Perfectly groomed?  Exactly right? On point?  Pftttt!  Like we need another reason to feel self-conscious and critical about our bodies.  As hard as it is to admit that my body is anything but on fleek,  it’s high time I not give a flying fleek! .

Since eyebrows seem to be the most popular recipients of the on fleek definition, let’s start with my 52-year-old eyebrows.  These babies have witnessed a lot of drama over the years and quite honestly, are suffering from PTSD.   The number of times they’ve had to rise, furrow, lower and endure hair pulling when things got real, is absurd.  As a result, they are thinning, graying, tiring and more appropriately described as being, On Meek! 

If facial hair on women were ever to be hip, my mustache would be so on fleek.  It would be my upper lip you would see first when googling images of on fleek mustaches on women.  No amount of waxing, extracting, bleaching, shaving or pulling have put a dent on my stache.  It’s time I let go of my fantasy of having no mustache ever, and accept my hairy, sun damaged, brown spotted upper lip, once and for all.  Frankly, I’m okay with calling my upper lip, On freak!

Sadly, when hanging around the house braless, it is clear that my boobs are, (Not)On Peak!  If I am sitting down relaxing, I notice that my girls end up resting on my ever expanding stomach. I’m not talking they brush up gently against my belly, I’m talking they nestle comfortably on my belly like peacefully sleeping (twin) infants.  (Sigh,  this is a tough one to not give a flying fleek about).

Have you heard about contouring with makeup? You know, when you use make up to make imaginary lines on your body to give the illusion of thinner lines by shading in areas and highlighting your assets?  Well,  I don’t contour my toes or arms (wierd!) but, to address a few facial issues making my face not on fleek, a little experimenting is doing wonders On(my)Cheek and that’s good enough for me.

For obvious reasons, I’ve learned never to go underwear shopping with my 20-year-old daughter, ever again.   As she sorts through the baskets of frilly and delicate thongs, her mama is looking in the camping section for large tents. The nylon kind that don’t need poles to stay up but instead, have a huge elastic band to accommodate the “curves”.  Oh, for crying out loud, my undies are definitely, On Geek!

I remember back in the day when I looked cute and somewhat sexy before going to bed.  Now, I get totally naked, turn on the air conditioner, place a fan directly on my face and leave one leg hanging off the side of the bed, uncovered.  I make sure my husband does not touch me because he generates too much heat.  In spite of all my efforts, I still get sweaty.  Thus when in bed I would say that I am, On Reek! 

I could go on and on but I will spare you the scary details. 

The truth is that as my body ages, I will undoubtedly continue to describe these imperfections for all to enjoy, but when I do, it will be with acceptance, humor and even pride.  Pride because I have earned every single flaw on my body by living a full life filled with food joy, drinks  love, meaningful parties  relationships and determination to be happy in spite of the diets obstacles I have faced.

Won’t you join me in saying no to perfection and not giving a flying fleek?