I’m Dreaming of Balls With Power

Woman-Daydreaming-Eyes-Closed

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Rachel  at  Misfits of a Mountain Mama wrote a very funny post about how much she is enjoying dreaming about winning tonight’s astronomical Powerball  drawing, now up to 1.5 billion (in case you’ve been living in a different planet.)  Check it out here.  I don’t think Rachel and I are alone in imagining what we would do with this or any big lottery winning.  Nothing wrong with dreaming, right?

In playing this pretend game, I found that my brain could not get past the very detailed part where I find out I am a winner.  The state of shock and disbelief is too overwhelming for me to imagine what I would actually do with the money.    

My day-dream goes something like this:

{Harp music playing in the background}

It’s Wednesday night, husband is in bed because he has a huge meeting on Thursday.  Daughter is out with her friends.  I am on wine glass number 3 and getting ready for the 11:00 news, after having watched the Chicago Fire,  Chicago Med  and  Chicago P.D  crossover event. I am holding my soon-to-be winning ticket consisting of three  Quick Picks.

The local newscaster (wearing an out of style suit) announces the numbers and shows a picture of the winning numbers on the 5 white balls and the one red ball.  I look at the TV screen and quickly write the numbers down on a piece of paper.  I then begin to check them against my numbers.  

The first quick pick is a dud.  I look at the second set of numbers. The first white ball number matches my first number.  The second white ball number matches my second number.  I start to hyperventilate and my heart is skipping many beats.

{Organ music now playing in the background} 

I shift in my seat and crack my neck from side to side.  The third white ball number matches my number.  HOLY SHIT.  The fourth white ball number matches my number.  THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING.  I begin to shake and tell myself that I must be hallucinating.  

The fifth white ball number matches my F-U-C-K-I-N-G number.  I scream knowing that I have won a million dollars (but let’s be real, one million dollars gets you nowhere these days).  Then it’s on to the 6th number.  The RED power ball number.

 IT’S A FUCKING MATCH!

I drop the glass of wine and it spills all over my nice living room rug.  I knock the lamp next to me over.  I stand up.  I grab a paper bag and breathe into it three times. I look at the numbers again. I start feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach.   I check the numbers again.  

I check the numbers again.  

I check the numbers again.  

All this, while breaking the record  for the number of times I have ever said these words:

FUCK!!

NO!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!!

HOLY SHIT!!

FUCKITY FUCK THE FUCK!!

Coño, Carajo, Puñeta!!

THANK YOU LORD!!

I am now on my knees looking up at the ceiling (which needs a new paint job) talking to our Almighty, asking Him what I have done to deserve this fortune.  I try to control the amount of F bombs I am dropping while talking to Him but under these circumstances, I think He will forgive me.

After hours of worshiping Him, kissing our dirty floor and swearing profusely, I am exhausted and collapse right on the floor.  I begin to laugh out loud while shaking my head and having seizure-like spasms.  I am convinced that I have wet my pants but continue laughing because I can buy 10,000 pairs of pants to replace the ones I am wearing.  The ceiling is moving, or is it the wine?

I fall asleep right there on my dining room floor.  I awake after 45 minutes and look around.  I pinch myself to make sure I am alive.  Rapid noises escape from one of my orifices, further convincing me that I am indeed, alive.  DEAR GOD, did this just happen? (the winning, not the gas.)

I get up from the floor (no easy feat) and stumble to the kitchen to grab a sponge.  I begin to wipe up the spilled wine on my rug and suddenly break into another laughing fit.  WHO CARES ABOUT THIS DAMN RUG?!

I pick up the winning ticket, I kiss it passionately leaving lipstick marks on it.  SHIT!  No one will be able to read the numbers now!  I skip brushing my teeth because, who needs their original teeth when you can afford a whole new white and shiny set of porcelain veneers?  

I head into the bedroom and see my husband sleeping peacefully on his side.  I take off all of my clothes and jump in bed.  I place the ticket in the top drawer of my bed side table, next to my Chapstick, my tweezers and my miniature book of Sex For Dummies, and settle in.  

The room is spinning.

 I fall fast asleep.

 

The End.

This is as far as the day-dream goes.

I guess we will have to wait until I win to find out what I will actually do with my fortune!

 

Keep on dreaming and best of luck tonight!

 

 

 

 

 

35 thoughts on “I’m Dreaming of Balls With Power

  1. BHC you rock!!! That was the best pre-win powerball story eva!! Mine would be similar only instead of gas it would be solid. (shit my pants moment) I particularly loved the part where you dropped the F-bombs but tried to control them while praying and giving thanks. lmfao~ Baby you couldn’t be more right. If someone won that much money the Good Lord would forgive our obscenities. Fantastic Fucking post & sharing it now!!! 😉 xoxo ❤

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  2. Hi to Power Boobs above.

    A certain uber-rational Econ Man in our household has been playing the same numbers for the last thirty years because once you use a pattern, you have to keep using it because — never mind.

    Funny! Hope you not only imagine winning, but pretend, as it act out, winning, except for spilling the wine part. Think how much fun that could be.

    Cheers —

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Shiiiiiit. A million dollars could get me few places…..Also, God is very forgiving, it’s his job after all. I agree that under the circumstances of winning all the dollars he will probably just stop counting all the swear words, stamp you”Forgiven” and bask in the worshiping.

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  4. Yeah that sounds about right, how most of us would react. I would definitely drop that many F Bombs! I’ve actually never in my life purchased a lottery ticket. A little bit stubbornly I don’t want to break my record by getting one now even at 1.4 billion!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good for you for never having bought one! I don’t usually buy them except on big winnings. I am depressed still, for having lost and for not matching even one single number! Oh well. I’m glad I didn’t dream beyond my reaction to winning. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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