A Closed Letter To The CEO Of My F-%@* Phone Plan

September 17, 2015

Dear Mr. CEO of Fauxrizon:

It’s me, Brick.  You know, the loyal customer who spent 6 days repeating herself with your outsourced employees in order to restore her internet?  The one who you sent a new refurbished phone to replace her broken phone and who cannot use her new refurbished phone because there is a vertical @ss line blocking the screen and not allowing her to type certain letters?  I thought that might jog your memory.

Listen, I know how extremely busy you are coming up with new ways to dupe idiot customers like myself so I won’t make this too long. Having worked in management for many years, I understand the importance and impact good customer service can have on a company.  It is  actually a pretty simple concept even a 5th grader can grasp.  Mano a mano, you and I know how it works, right?  Mistakes happen, you empathize, apologize, acknowledge the mistake and then you own the problem solving and resolution to make sure that your customer is satisfied.  Does this sound at all familiar from training you may have gotten way back when you were a pion?

I am typically a calm person with very low blood pressure, in fact, so low that doctors often mistake me for a dead person.  I am also fair and understanding and will be the first person to compliment, praise and recognize good customer service when I see it.  I am known to friends as the “letter” writer.  I have written letters to people such as Mr. Apple, Mr. Microsoft, Mr. Citibank and Mr. President of a prominent hospital, expressing my likes and dislikes of their business practices.  In fact, I wrote a complimentary email to the supervisor of one of your outsourced employees from India who held my hand (through the telephone wires) throughout my whole internet malfunction debacle and who talked me out of canceling my services with Fauxrizon.

So Mr. CEO, I have a few simple questions for you:

  1.  Do you and your Fauxrizon employees sit around a board room brainstorming ways to make your customers want to go postal on you?
  2. Do you conduct clinical test trials using innocent people from the streets to test out your company practices?  Do you use placebos to make those poor suckers think they are getting a good deal?
  3. Is a unempathetic dismissive personality a must-have requirement for your Fauxrizon employees?
  4. Do you brainwash them to be the cheapest they can possibly be and to not offer the warranted monetary compensation for their dissatisfied Fauxrizon customers?
  5. Is there a “back” room in corporate headquarters where all the broken phones go, where technicians sit around trying to fix them (but don’t succeed), and are then sent back out into circulation so that customers who had a defective phone get a second defective phone?
  6. Do you and the other big wigs at Fauxrizon have “monopoly” parties celebrating the monopoly you have over the business?
  7. Do the security guards you hire to stand guard at your locations to “help out” with rightly-so disgruntled customers, carry guns?

In all honesty, I do not believe you are really this evil.  There must be some integrity left in you that perhaps you have unknowingly repressed!  It happens.

Look, I am no CEO.  But what I am is a loyal customer with some common sense and intuitive knowledge of how successful a business can be when honesty, integrity and respect for customers are a top priority.

Sincerely,

Brick

ps.  How long will I have to wait for a second new refurbished phone with no vertical @ss lines to arrive at my home?

31 thoughts on “A Closed Letter To The CEO Of My F-%@* Phone Plan

  1. Givem Hell Maria!! I couldn’t help but to laugh at your post which is horrible to laugh at your pain. But your list was so damn spot on it was scary funny. I had a friend who just went through something similar but with Frontier. She called customer service and said that she was going to begin a social media campaign including Facebook, Twitter & LinkedIn where she would publically slam them & shame them pointing out their terrible customer service. Within twenty-four hours they made the problem right & sent her a check for $255.00 and three months of free service. Hmm…me thinks I just gave you an idea sweety!! 😉 xoxox Great post sharing now. BTW~luv the new look of your blog!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello My Dear/s! I took the long weekend off FB and other social media for various reasons so I am just getting to this. I was so DONE with Fauxrizon, I honestly was capable of murder!! 🙂 Once it got fixed I didn’t have the energy to deal with them again but what a great idea your friend had! Normally I would be that aggressive. Maybe I’m losing my touch! Oh, no!

      Thanks so much for reading and for sharing! Lot’s of love! xo

      Like

  2. As a Fauxrizon shareholder, courtesy of having worked for their predecessor company about 40 million years ago, please let me extend our most sincere apology for the difficulty you are experiencing. It is always the intention of Fauxrizon to provide the most excellent customer service for loyal, valued customers like you. Please bear with us as we work to solve your problem.

    (translation: PLEASSEEEE don’t get pissed off and leave. That will make the price of the stock go down and I need those dividend checks!)

    Like

  3. I had a very similar experience with my cell phone, as it was a flip-phone, that when a call came in, all you had to do was open the phone and you would be connected. Except it didn’t work on my phone. Oh, of course, sometimes it did–like when I brought it back to the store for repair. I think they “repaired” it twice, and the last time I went in they insulted me, called me a liar and accused me of trying to get a new phone. Which I was trying to do, because the one I bought was broken!! That’s when I went into Letter Writing Mode (I too am a letter writer when I am truly outraged). I reported the company to the BBB, among other things. In the end I didn’t get a new phone, but I did get out of my expensive contract. Now I use a pay-as-you-go phone. No contracts, no repairs. If it breaks I buy a new one for $40.

    Your description of the customer service, and the qualifications for such a representative is spot on! It seems like customer service is simply mouth service and has no basis in reality. I hate bad customer service! There is absolutely no reason for it, except to assume the company does not care. I sure hope your issue is resolved, but take it from me: If you don’t get a satisfactory replacement, ditch the Fauxrizon and get your contract cancelled.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is ridiculous isn’t it? Do they want you to just walk away and force you to pay some sort of penalty for breaking the contract? That was my issue. I got legal advice (I was working in a law office at the time) and since there was not a physical signed contract it did not exist and I owed them nothing. Do you have a paper or ecopy contract?

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  4. Ay, Maria. I have no idea about cell phone plans. Cimmy & I can’t even afford. We only have a subsidized cell phone. 250 minutes per month. Can only have that one phone. That was it for a while, although unlimited texts were recently included.

    Fauxrison used to serve our landline networks, but, y’know, that ain’t hip and sexy. They dumped that to a company called “Frontier” (because they wanted the glory of only cellular), but, y’know, we found we got better service with the cable company– which for now, is not the evil Comcast.

    Also, we know NOTHING of iPhone. We know only Samsung, and Android. People often ask Cimmy if her Galaxy tablet is a phone… have phones seriously gotten that big?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s actually a blessing that you are not part of this crazy circus. I am sure you don’t need anything else aggravating your life – you have enough pain to deal with without the abuse from Fauxrizon! And, yes – the phones are getting bigger and bigger!

      Like

  5. Oh, Maria! So sorry!
    This is sadly typical. I’ve had some frustrating conversations about cable service in the last few months. I saw conversations though really I wound up talking to myself mostly since the company gave me the run around with recorded messages. And finally, yes, some outsourced person in another country talked to me. And they wonder why I refuse to give them my phone service.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gretchen, I can’t tell you how many more grey hairs have appeared on my head since all of this started. Not to mention the amount of swears that have come out of my mouth. LOL. Why do they make it so difficult and miserable? Anyway, I am still having a wonderful time here in California visiting my mama! 🙂

      Like

    1. Ha,ha,ha! They definitely moonlight at the DMV and the post office! 🙂 I just want to have a working gadget once and for all, for crying out loud! But I am not letting all of this ruin my time in California with my sister and mom. 🙂 xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Mr. B! I think he got my message because the white @ss vertical line disappeared after I posted the letter! It does not mean it will not come back so I have to find an Apple store nearby to go fight some more. It’s exhausting, let me tell you. I am so glad to hear that your new set up is working out with no issues! Woo Hoo!

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  6. “Is a unempathetic dismissive personality a must-have requirement?” YES! I’ve spoken with those personalities several times when calling our cable/internet provider. “Steve” speaking with an accent so thick, I couldn’t understand what he was telling me to do, called me “stupid” and HUNG UP ON ME! Hang in there, Brick. You’re supposed to be enjoying yourself and your time with family.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “Is there a “back” room in corporate headquarters where all the broken phones go, where technicians sit around trying to fix them (but don’t succeed), and are then sent back out into circulation so that customers who had a defective phone get a second defective phone?”

    LMAO.Sorry for the phone problems, M.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I swear, Mr. CEO must have read my letter because just as mysteriously as the vertical line appeared, it has disappeared! Right after I posted the letter! I’m still heading over to Apple today to make sure it does not happen again.

      In other news, I am having a blast here in Cali! 🙂

      Like

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