September 17, 2015
Dear Mr. CEO of Fauxrizon:
It’s me, Brick. You know, the loyal customer who spent 6 days repeating herself with your outsourced employees in order to restore her internet? The one who you sent a
new refurbished phone to replace her broken phone and who cannot use her new refurbished phone because there is a vertical @ss line blocking the screen and not allowing her to type certain letters? I thought that might jog your memory.
Listen, I know how extremely busy you are coming up with new ways to dupe idiot customers like myself so I won’t make this too long. Having worked in management for many years, I understand the importance and impact good customer service can have on a company. It is actually a pretty simple concept even a 5th grader can grasp. Mano a mano, you and I know how it works, right? Mistakes happen, you empathize, apologize, acknowledge the mistake and then you own the problem solving and resolution to make sure that your customer is satisfied. Does this sound at all familiar from training you may have gotten way back when you were a pion?
I am typically a calm person with very low blood pressure, in fact, so low that doctors often mistake me for a dead person. I am also fair and understanding and will be the first person to compliment, praise and recognize good customer service when I see it. I am known to friends as the “letter” writer. I have written letters to people such as Mr. Apple, Mr. Microsoft, Mr. Citibank and Mr. President of a prominent hospital, expressing my likes and dislikes of their business practices. In fact, I wrote a complimentary email to the supervisor of one of your outsourced employees from India who held my hand (through the telephone wires) throughout my whole internet malfunction debacle and who talked me out of canceling my services with Fauxrizon.
So Mr. CEO, I have a few simple questions for you:
- Do you and your Fauxrizon employees sit around a board room brainstorming ways to make your customers want to go postal on you?
- Do you conduct clinical test trials using innocent people from the streets to test out your company practices? Do you use placebos to make those poor suckers think they are getting a good deal?
- Is a unempathetic dismissive personality a must-have requirement for your Fauxrizon employees?
- Do you brainwash them to be the cheapest they can possibly be and to not offer the warranted monetary compensation for their dissatisfied Fauxrizon customers?
- Is there a “back” room in corporate headquarters where all the broken phones go, where technicians sit around trying to fix them (but don’t succeed), and are then sent back out into circulation so that customers who had a defective phone get a second defective phone?
- Do you and the other big wigs at Fauxrizon have “monopoly” parties celebrating the monopoly you have over the business?
- Do the security guards you hire to stand guard at your locations to “help out” with rightly-so disgruntled customers, carry guns?
In all honesty, I do not believe you are really this evil. There must be some integrity left in you that perhaps you have unknowingly repressed! It happens.
Look, I am no CEO. But what I am is a loyal customer with some common sense and intuitive knowledge of how successful a business can be when honesty, integrity and respect for customers are a top priority.
ps. How long will I have to wait for a second
new refurbished phone with no vertical @ss lines to arrive at my home?