WARNING: This Post Contains Way TMI!

This post will come down in history as the one I will be the least proud of.

If you are sensitive-ish, skirmish, prudish or just plain sick of people telling you way too much about themselves,  do not read on.

Understanding full well that this is, without a doubt T-too M-much I-information to share with you lovely readers, I am going ahead with it because I just HAVE to.

someecards.com

someecards.com

Last week, I celebrated my birthday near the coast with my wonderful husband.  We returned from our long weekend and Mr. B went back to work the following day.  That following day was my actual birthday.

I rested all morning then decided to do something fun with just me, myself and I.  Being that I am cheaper older now and always hungry, I grabbed my laptop and searched for, Restaurant freebies on your birthday.  Because food.

To my delight, the list was extensive.  I narrowed it down to establishments in my town and saw the perfect place to get a free lunch.  I rushed over to my printer and printed the flashy freebie coupon.  I then remembered that I would need a dessert after lunch, so I looked up free desserts and printed that coupon as well.  All planets were aligned, the cows hadn’t come home yet and I was salivating.

No Vacas Allowed deporbiotica.com

No Vacas Allowed
deporbiotica.com

I arrived at the Mexican food establishment and ordered my FREE BURRITO (well, you had to order a drink in order to get the burrito, but still.)  There I sat by myself, feeling very content and proud that I had thought of this idea.  I took the obligatory pictures of my food to send to people via phone and bit into my scrumptious hearty burrito.  MMMMMmmmmm it was muy bueno.  Lot’s of guac and even free chips.

thrillist.com

thrillist.com

As I was happily munching away, my son called to wish me a happy birthday.  After learning that I was all alone eating a free burrito, he got concerned and told me that this was a rather, sad situation.  I told him that although it appeared to be a sad scenario, I was happy and having fun.

I finished every single free bite of my burrito and got ready to head to the next restaurant to cash in on my free dessert.  As I stood up to walk to my car…I felt somewhat of a rumbling coming from the direction of my very satisfied tummy.  Gggggrrrrroooooowwwwwwwllllllll! RrrrrrgggggrrrrrrrRRRRR!  GGGrrrrrbbbbsssssggggggfffffff! Brrrrggggggggttttttttmmmmmmfffffffrrrrrr!

Hmm, that’s odd, thought I.

I jumped in my car and OOOOOOOOOO  MMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGG!  It was coming.  Oh my God was it coming.  Holy S*** it was coming!  Madre de Dios it was coming! Holy Guaca-explosion, it was coming!

I stepped on that gas pedal and sped out of the parking lot like there was no mañana.  I took a sharp right and into the Target parking lot.  Thank God for my handicap placard because I found the closest parking spot possible. I  got out of the car and literally sprinted (a no-no when you are handicapped)  to the Target restroom and man did I let them cows come home.

Jesús, María y José.

In the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit,

Amen.

Never, in my life…

God bless the woman in the next stall.

God bless all the women that came in after me.

God bless all women in the world.

I guess you really do get what you pay for.

*Needless to say, I did not cash in on my free birthday ice cream sundae.

87 thoughts on “WARNING: This Post Contains Way TMI!

  1. Oh my this describes how I am with homemade Mexican food I can’t get enough! But really my body says different and I must listen or suffer from a premeditated colonic. I was laughing with you not at you as I’ve done the “pooping sprint!”

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  2. Sorry I’m a day late from Susie’s party because I was travelling all day yesterday. So here I am, sitting all alone in a hotel room in Missoula Montana, laughing so loud at your post the people in the next room started banging on the wall. Your fault if I have to find another hotel…

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! I love Susie’s parties! She always stashes a bottle or two for me in her back porch inside the big plant, since I don’t like to share my alcohol. I’ll share my darkest secrets but not my alcohol. Did you leave a link on Susie’s wall?

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  3. Oh my goodness, girl! This one made me sputter out my sip of coffee onto the library computer screen! I have had the guts to ‘collect’ my birthday hamburger, by ordering it at the hostess stand of Ruby Tuesday’s and taking it home. I am not adverse to ‘taking’ when I am a giver almost all the time! Smiles, belated Feliz Cumpleanos, Maria!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Maria, this had me laughing out loud, not because of what you had to go through but because of the great way you told this story. And as someone who has battled life long IBS, believe me, I know this feel too well 😉 So much for the freebie…but a good job you, ummm, got rid of the offending problem as soon as you did…you wouldn’t want that lurking around your system for a second longer…o_O

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sherri, glad you got a chuckle out of this story. There was nothing more to do but laugh and that I did, after I recovered. Sorry you have to deal with IBS and its repercussions, not fun! I still wish I had gotten my free dessert, darn it!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This post is so priceless, Mrs. B. You are a queen. I bow to you. For searching for free birthday food. For dining on a free birthday burrito all by yourself. For scoffing at your son’s suggestion that the situation was sad. For the first raised eyebrow at the stomach rumble. For the pedal to the floor. For the sharp right into Target’s handicapped spot, sprint to the stall, blessed explosion. FOR THE AUDACITY TO TELL THE WORLD. ❤ Love you, Maria. This is the most rivetingly told Latin rumble since Sharks vs. Jets.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha,ha,ha!! This is the best comment ever! Especially the Sharks vs. Jets part. 🙂 It feels strange to thank you for complimenting my post about bowel issues!! Hey, we’re all amongst friends here, right?

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  6. At least you know your pelvic floors are working impeccably, well done.

    I can’t believe it took me so long to get my arse over here…and then I read this! How could I not follow you now??

    Respect REDdog

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so embarrassed! A new follower based on this post about “explosions” in department stores! AY! What led you to this post, may I ask? Hee,hee. Nevertheless, thank you for stopping by and following. You are very brave. I will head over to your place to check out what you’ve got. 🙂

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      1. Hey BHC, I’ve seen you turning up all over the same places as me, Samara, Hook, etc, and for some reason today I thought I’d take it further…can’t remember who’s site I was on to get here. Anyway, glad I finally got around to it, you’re cool. Cheers REDdog

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  7. My mother’s birthday was the 6th. I sent her a mariachi-style e-card yesterday that suggested she should clip coupons for something fun on her birthday. (There were many other options, but they didn’t fit.) She thought that was perfect since she was getting her birthday freebies, too.

    She did not have a guac-explosion. Unfortunately. (Oops, did I say that? Oh yeah, I did!)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yes, pretty horrifying in the moment. Thankfully you made it to safety in time (even if it was a public bathroom). Unfortunately, I can relate too much to this one. But it wasn’t bad food that I ate, it was that I was eating dairy and didn’t know my body didn’t want it. One time when my husband and I were in rush hour traffic, he couldn’t get off the highway fast enough and I had to jump into the back seat and double up some shopping bags. Thankfully, it was winter and dark out. Horrifying.

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    1. Oh, man!! That does sound horrifying and humbling. You poor thing! Glad you figured it out and cut dairy from your life. 🙂

      This is not something I am used to experiencing, certainly not so sudden! 🙂

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  9. OMG! I’ve got tears running down my face after reading this, Maria! Believe me girlfriend, living with Crohn’s Disease, I feel your pain, but your play by play description of the event was hilarious! I’m sorry you suffered…man, that was definitely a bad burrito experience. I hope you’re feeling better! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sure it is no laughing matter for you, Jill! It was an experience I have never had (never this sudden) so it shocked my system! 🙂 I think the fact that I was so proud of my free burrito, that I went by myself, then ran into Target after parking in a handicap spot and in the end did not get my free sundae, was a story I had to share. 🙂 All I could think about was the movie, Bridesmaids. If you haven’t seen it, you really should! 🙂 🙂 ps. I’ll get you my write-up soon.

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  10. #1 you always make me laugh
    #2 how could I not read when you told me it would be TMI – it’s like turning away from an accident
    #3 not that bad (we’ve all been there I think)
    #4 one of the perks of getting better (some say older) is saying what you want
    #5 did I mention you always make me laugh?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Best sound effects ever, and I disagree. Compared to some of what my tender brain is exposed to this is discreet. Suggestive but not gross. Happy. Birthday! Next year you can cite this as evidence that you need the best, swankiest lunch available.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Dude, I just pee’d my pants reading this. Literally. I laughed so hard that I wet myself because… I could have written every word myself. Not the free lunch part, but the often IMMEDIATE reaction to something I’ve eaten. I’ve been holding back from telling one story on my blog, my most embarrassing incident, on vacation in Belgium, because it’s too mortifying. You may have just given me the courage to think about actually writing that post.

    Love you, chica!

    Liked by 1 person

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