This post will come down in history as the one I will be the least proud of.
If you are sensitive-ish, skirmish, prudish or just plain sick of people telling you way too much about themselves, do not read on.
Understanding full well that this is, without a doubt T-too M-much I-information to share with you lovely readers, I am going ahead with it because I just HAVE to.
Last week, I celebrated my birthday near the coast with my wonderful husband. We returned from our long weekend and Mr. B went back to work the following day. That following day was my actual birthday.
I rested all morning then decided to do something fun with just me, myself and I. Being that I am cheaper older now and always hungry, I grabbed my laptop and searched for, Restaurant freebies on your birthday. Because food.
To my delight, the list was extensive. I narrowed it down to establishments in my town and saw the perfect place to get a free lunch. I rushed over to my printer and printed the flashy freebie coupon. I then remembered that I would need a dessert after lunch, so I looked up free desserts and printed that coupon as well. All planets were aligned, the cows hadn’t come home yet and I was salivating.
I arrived at the Mexican food establishment and ordered my FREE BURRITO (well, you had to order a drink in order to get the burrito, but still.) There I sat by myself, feeling very content and proud that I had thought of this idea. I took the obligatory pictures of my food to send to people via phone and bit into my scrumptious hearty burrito. MMMMMmmmmm it was muy bueno. Lot’s of guac and even free chips.
As I was happily munching away, my son called to wish me a happy birthday. After learning that I was all alone eating a free burrito, he got concerned and told me that this was a rather, sad situation. I told him that although it appeared to be a sad scenario, I was happy and having fun.
I finished every single free bite of my burrito and got ready to head to the next restaurant to cash in on my free dessert. As I stood up to walk to my car…I felt somewhat of a rumbling coming from the direction of my very satisfied tummy. Gggggrrrrroooooowwwwwwwllllllll! RrrrrrgggggrrrrrrrRRRRR! GGGrrrrrbbbbsssssggggggfffffff! Brrrrggggggggttttttttmmmmmmfffffffrrrrrr!
Hmm, that’s odd, thought I.
I jumped in my car and OOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMMMM GGGGGGGGGG! It was coming. Oh my God was it coming. Holy S*** it was coming! Madre de Dios it was coming! Holy Guaca-explosion, it was coming!
I stepped on that gas pedal and sped out of the parking lot like there was no mañana. I took a sharp right and into the Target parking lot. Thank God for my handicap placard because I found the closest parking spot possible. I got out of the car and literally sprinted (a no-no when you are handicapped) to the Target restroom and man did I let them cows come home.
Jesús, María y José.
In the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit,
Never, in my life…
God bless the woman in the next stall.
God bless all the women that came in after me.
God bless all women in the world.
I guess you really do get what you pay for.
*Needless to say, I did not cash in on my free birthday ice cream sundae.
Oh my this describes how I am with homemade Mexican food I can’t get enough! But really my body says different and I must listen or suffer from a premeditated colonic. I was laughing with you not at you as I’ve done the “pooping sprint!”
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HaHAHA The question that begs to be asked is this: have you gone back to the Mexican restaurant?
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Welcome to my blog! The answer is NOOOOOOOOOO. I go by it all the time and just shake my head. No gracias! Thanks so much for reading. 🙂
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What a share!!! HAhaahahahaha! The ice cream might have forced you into round two.. Too funny.
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A little TMI! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sorry I’m a day late from Susie’s party because I was travelling all day yesterday. So here I am, sitting all alone in a hotel room in Missoula Montana, laughing so loud at your post the people in the next room started banging on the wall. Your fault if I have to find another hotel…
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Oh, this is too funny, Barb!! Thanks for reading and I hope you remained in your hotel! 😜 #TMI
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You also forgot to mention that you received a complimentary enema on your birthday!
Run for the border!
Susie throws a great party. If I see you go into the bathroom I am running out of there.
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**SNORT**. There had to be an enema in the burrito. Run for the border is right! Don’t worry, I’m only having liquids at Susie’s. 🙂
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I had a feeling that no good was going to come of that free burrito. This did make me laugh (WITH you, of course, since you did such a great job of telling the story). I have Susie to thank for sending me over.
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Hi Audrey! Thanks for partying over here from Susie’s. She has the best parties! Glad you were laughing “with” me and not at me. You get what you pay for! 🙂
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Susie sent me – haven’t we all been there at one point in time or another?? Darn that free food! 😉
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Hi! Nice to meet you from Susie’s. Nothing is really free, huh? If I had paid, I would have been fine. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
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I’ve always worried this will happen to me. Unfortunately, I have the near accidents with number 1, not number 2. Sneezing, jumping, laughing all cause me to cross my legs and hope.
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Ha,ha! Cross your legs and hope. Love it. I have that problem too. Thanks for partying over here with me! 🙂
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Hi! Susie sent me.
I’m also an oversharer and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Thanks for stopping by! I love Susie’s parties! She always stashes a bottle or two for me in her back porch inside the big plant, since I don’t like to share my alcohol. I’ll share my darkest secrets but not my alcohol. Did you leave a link on Susie’s wall?
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I did leave a link. Its on her post, or find it here.
http://fitsofwit.com/2014/09/22/halloween-it-gets-weirder-and-weirder/
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Haha….I’m sorry I’m laughing at your discomfort, but I enjoyed the story. Susie sent me.
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That’s ok, laugh away! It’s what I do for the benefit of humankind. Share my discomforts. 🙂 Thanks for mingling with me at Susie’s. I’m on my way to your corner.
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Oh geez. I am glad you made it to the stall in time!
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Thanks so much, I am glad as well! Phew!
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Oh my goodness, girl! This one made me sputter out my sip of coffee onto the library computer screen! I have had the guts to ‘collect’ my birthday hamburger, by ordering it at the hostess stand of Ruby Tuesday’s and taking it home. I am not adverse to ‘taking’ when I am a giver almost all the time! Smiles, belated Feliz Cumpleanos, Maria!!
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Sorry about your coffee! 🙂 You make a good point about always being a giver and taking when it’s there to take! Just not burritos. Thanks for visiting!
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Oh Maria, this had me laughing out loud, not because of what you had to go through but because of the great way you told this story. And as someone who has battled life long IBS, believe me, I know this feel too well 😉 So much for the freebie…but a good job you, ummm, got rid of the offending problem as soon as you did…you wouldn’t want that lurking around your system for a second longer…o_O
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Sherri, glad you got a chuckle out of this story. There was nothing more to do but laugh and that I did, after I recovered. Sorry you have to deal with IBS and its repercussions, not fun! I still wish I had gotten my free dessert, darn it!
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This post is so priceless, Mrs. B. You are a queen. I bow to you. For searching for free birthday food. For dining on a free birthday burrito all by yourself. For scoffing at your son’s suggestion that the situation was sad. For the first raised eyebrow at the stomach rumble. For the pedal to the floor. For the sharp right into Target’s handicapped spot, sprint to the stall, blessed explosion. FOR THE AUDACITY TO TELL THE WORLD. ❤ Love you, Maria. This is the most rivetingly told Latin rumble since Sharks vs. Jets.
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Ha,ha,ha!! This is the best comment ever! Especially the Sharks vs. Jets part. 🙂 It feels strange to thank you for complimenting my post about bowel issues!! Hey, we’re all amongst friends here, right?
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Will ‘West Side Story’ ever be the same for me now, Maria? Da-da-da-da …… da-da-da-da-da-da-da! We are certainly amongst friends here.
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Oh. Lord. This is WAY too much information. Also way too familiar – been there, survived that. It’s all good as long as you make it in time, right? And happy birthday.
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Not that you want more information but I’ve never been that close to “losing it”. Total Bridesmaids style! In fact all I could think about was Melissa McCarthy on the bathroom sink! 🙂
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On the bright side…no weight gain from that birthday freebie! Happy Belated!
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Good point!! Nothing like a guilt-free burrito! 🙂
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This wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, is that weird for me to think?? HAHA. I don’t know if I would go back to the free Mexican spot, perhaps there is a reason they have free bday burritos.
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I did lead up to it pretty strongly didn’t I? It was as bad for me, believe me. 🙂 You wonder what the heck was in that burrito! Ew!
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On the bright side, at least you made it to THE BATHROOM. Imagine… Ay ay ay!
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Hi Lily!!! Yea, it was not a good situation. But, I was lucky. 🙂
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Oh my word! Though I would have been right there with you, Maria! I love free stuff! But I don’t love the side effects (i.e., like that trip to the restroom). Um, what was in that burrito???
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Oh, Linda. Freebies are good but…this one not so much! I don’t know what the heck was in that but I am never going back to find out. 🙂
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I love when you share…LOL! Sorry that your birthday lunchtime celebration ended so abruptly, intensely, and painfully.
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Well, I should be sharing some more sultry and interesting stories and not these kinds! I’m getting there, as I get older I definitely want to air it all out! 🙂
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Should? Says who? Then you’d put ME out of business. 😉 Speaking of sexy….you should check out the newest post. *Big Grin*
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Nobody can tell a “good” story like you can, baby! Heading right over to investigate this big grin.
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You poor thing. Maria! You are the only one who can tell a disastrous story and have me giggling through it. Happy birthday! Maybe next year you should skip the food and just have some margaritas chica!
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Thank you so much for the bday wishes! Glad I could make you laugh on my behalf. 🙂 Lesson learned!
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♥️♥️♥️
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Dios mio, Chica! Ay que pena! And on your birthday. 😦 Well, at least you made it to a bathroom. Not all of us are so lucky. ha ha TMI!
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Ay, Jess! Fue muy malo! Mucha pena! Glad I made it too though it was very close. Ew. TMI again. 🙂
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At least you know your pelvic floors are working impeccably, well done.
I can’t believe it took me so long to get my arse over here…and then I read this! How could I not follow you now??
Respect REDdog
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I am so embarrassed! A new follower based on this post about “explosions” in department stores! AY! What led you to this post, may I ask? Hee,hee. Nevertheless, thank you for stopping by and following. You are very brave. I will head over to your place to check out what you’ve got. 🙂
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Hey BHC, I’ve seen you turning up all over the same places as me, Samara, Hook, etc, and for some reason today I thought I’d take it further…can’t remember who’s site I was on to get here. Anyway, glad I finally got around to it, you’re cool. Cheers REDdog
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My mother’s birthday was the 6th. I sent her a mariachi-style e-card yesterday that suggested she should clip coupons for something fun on her birthday. (There were many other options, but they didn’t fit.) She thought that was perfect since she was getting her birthday freebies, too.
She did not have a guac-explosion. Unfortunately. (Oops, did I say that? Oh yeah, I did!)
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Feliz Cumpleanos Mama Jak! Otra Virgo. 🙂 Glad she did not experience any explosions, guac or no guac! 🙂
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Been there… done that… well, not in a Target… because that is just disgusting… HA!
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Glad so many of my readers can relate! It was quite the birthday event! That’s what I get for being cheap. Had I paid for the burrito, I would have been fine!
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Sure you would have.
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Aye carumba!!! You poor thing. Been there, though. 😉
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Right? I don’t think there was ANYTHING left in me. It is sort of like a cleanse as Susie mentioned below. 🙂
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We all need one of those from time to time, but it would be nice if it could be done in the comfort of our own homes. 🙂
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Montezuma’s Revenge. Afterward, I think of it as a cleanse.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR!!!! I hope you have the best year ever!
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It was FREE BIRTHDAY BURRITO Revenge! That’s what I get for being cheap. 🙂 Thanks Susie, I hope to have a healthy and fantastic year ahead. xo
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Stupid, delicious, free burritos! Just not worth the result.
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I have a pretty solid and strong stomach. Usually nothing gets me. Boy, did this get me! 🙂 No more free burritos for a long time. 🙂
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Wow! You did your a reenactment of the food poisoning / bridal shop scene in Bridesmaids!
Holy…er.. crap!
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That was all I could think about, Samara! I LOVE that movie so much. I envisioned myself sitting on the sink had there been a line at the restroom. Not pretty at all. 🙂
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Yes, pretty horrifying in the moment. Thankfully you made it to safety in time (even if it was a public bathroom). Unfortunately, I can relate too much to this one. But it wasn’t bad food that I ate, it was that I was eating dairy and didn’t know my body didn’t want it. One time when my husband and I were in rush hour traffic, he couldn’t get off the highway fast enough and I had to jump into the back seat and double up some shopping bags. Thankfully, it was winter and dark out. Horrifying.
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Oh, man!! That does sound horrifying and humbling. You poor thing! Glad you figured it out and cut dairy from your life. 🙂
This is not something I am used to experiencing, certainly not so sudden! 🙂
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OMG! I’ve got tears running down my face after reading this, Maria! Believe me girlfriend, living with Crohn’s Disease, I feel your pain, but your play by play description of the event was hilarious! I’m sorry you suffered…man, that was definitely a bad burrito experience. I hope you’re feeling better! xoxo
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I am sure it is no laughing matter for you, Jill! It was an experience I have never had (never this sudden) so it shocked my system! 🙂 I think the fact that I was so proud of my free burrito, that I went by myself, then ran into Target after parking in a handicap spot and in the end did not get my free sundae, was a story I had to share. 🙂 All I could think about was the movie, Bridesmaids. If you haven’t seen it, you really should! 🙂 🙂 ps. I’ll get you my write-up soon.
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Your Spanish comments inserted through out the post were great! I’ve learned to laugh about situations like that…it’s all we can do. 🙂
I can’t wait to read your post! xo
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Poop stories never get old.
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Neither do fart stories! 🙂 🙂
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#1 you always make me laugh
#2 how could I not read when you told me it would be TMI – it’s like turning away from an accident
#3 not that bad (we’ve all been there I think)
#4 one of the perks of getting better (some say older) is saying what you want
#5 did I mention you always make me laugh?
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I love this comment, Pam! Thanks. 🙂
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Best sound effects ever, and I disagree. Compared to some of what my tender brain is exposed to this is discreet. Suggestive but not gross. Happy. Birthday! Next year you can cite this as evidence that you need the best, swankiest lunch available.
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Ha! Those sound effects were right on! 🙂 I was going to get a bit more descriptive but decided to leave some for the imagination. I agree on next year’s lunch. 🙂 🙂
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Yikes!
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I so relate to this. Similar story in my memoir, though I had to use a tree…
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Oh, goodness! Can’t wait to read that one! 🙂
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Dude, I just pee’d my pants reading this. Literally. I laughed so hard that I wet myself because… I could have written every word myself. Not the free lunch part, but the often IMMEDIATE reaction to something I’ve eaten. I’ve been holding back from telling one story on my blog, my most embarrassing incident, on vacation in Belgium, because it’s too mortifying. You may have just given me the courage to think about actually writing that post.
Love you, chica!
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You MUST tell that soon, Nancy! What the heck, why not put it all out there, right? It’s liberating! 🙂
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Ha! Maybe after I finish my re-blogs of the “deep introspective” series. 🙂 I’ll need something light (and gross) and funny to counter balance.
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Handicapped Placards: When EVERY Second Counts!
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You got that right! I’m sure it didn’t look too good me running in after parking. Oh, well. 🙂
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Get ready for this one!!!! I heard about it the other night…and thought of you of course.
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Oh, Deb! You got the live version of this story! 🙂 🙂
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