I Cannot Sleep, I Am So Scared

It is 11:15 pm on Friday the 8th of August, 2014

I am laying in bed and cannot sleep. I am very afraid.  So scared.  So stressed.  Freaking out.

I cannot handle this.

I don’t know what to do.  How to feel.  What is real.  What is not.

It’s not funny anymore.

I am scared for my life.

The feelings occupying every inch of my body are sickening. Nauseating. Haunting.

They are raw.  Organic and Pure.

I need to write.  I have to write.  I cannot sleep.

I am so scared.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel better.  Maybe I will have answers.  Solutions.

I don’t want to feel this way.  It is too much to handle.

So scared.

It turns out my back pain is back.  Flank pain.  Kidneys.  It was bad today.

There are other signs of an active infection.  Shit.  

Is it the same infection?  Is my body rejecting the antibiotics I am still on?  Will I have sepsis again?

Oh my God.

So scared.

What is happening?

I was told by another doctor today that I am very lucky that I survived sepsis.  That I am too young to die.  That this is serious stuff.

That is some scary shit to hear.  I couldn’t find my humor today, I don’t know where it went.

But I was ready to make this the past.  I survived.  I was done blogging about it.  I was ready to move on.

Now what?  Another infection?  Are you kidding me?

I called the doctor on call this evening.  She was concerned.  I have to wait until tomorrow for more tests. More antibiotics.  Go to the ER tonight if things get worse, she said.

OMG, I am scared.  Should I be there right now?  Am I going to die tonight if I don’t go to the hospital?

I cannot sleep.

Who do I trust?  Not my body.  Not my doctor.  What do I do?

They say my body is compromised & suppressed.  They don’t know what caused me to be so sick.  The years of steroid treatments?  Having no spleen?  Both?

The very drugs that allow me to function on a daily basis may be killing me.

I am to wait until the morning to go for blood work at the hospital.  Another set of antibiotics will be waiting for me until they figure out this new infection.  Then I am to go home and wait for results.

But tomorrow we purchase our new car.  At 9:30 am, in a dealership one hour away. I am not canceling.  I am going.  I am signing the papers with my husband.  We have planned this, we have been waiting to pick it up.  I am not canceling.

I will go to the hospital on the way back.

Will I regret this?  I don’t know.

I am scared.  And I am angry.

I cannot sleep.

These feelings are so frightening.  They are foreign to me.  To be scared for my life is just not right.

Maybe by the time you read this, I will have more answers.

Please do not worry, I just needed to express my feelings right here right now.

I am in no way seeking sympathy and for this reason the comment section will be closed.

I will update as I hear more.

So scared.