Because Your Kiss Is On My List

examiner.com

examiner.com

When I look back at my kissing career, I remember very distinct experiences that shaped my kissing preferences and styles, to this day.

Although I am not an expert in this field, my extensive research on this topic growing up, yielded some successful results.  I was able to repeat the experiments with all my subjects and almost always, got the same results. There were however some deviations that ended up skewing my data.

Just like there is an extensive list of ice cream flavors to choose from, there are a considerable amount of kissing styles that are used.

Like first impressions, first kisses can leave lasting traumatic memories engraved in your mind that you may never be able to erase.

A kiss can either seal the deal or break it.

I have had mostly positive kissing experiences, apart from the three that stick out in my mind.

 Let us take a look at some of the different types of kisses and kissers most of us have encountered during our kissing pilgrimages and which ones scarred me for life:

1.  The Soft Kisser –  This kisser kisses you so lightly, you worry that you may have fallen asleep in the middle of it and missed it all together.  When you do feel it, it is gentle, somewhat ticklish and leaves you wanting more.

2.  The Powerful Kisser – You did not even see this one coming.  Without warning, you find yourself pinned against the wall gasping for air.   Your knees buckle, you feel a tingling sensation down south, you become dizzy, nauseous and then you, faint.  At least that is what happened to me when I was in high school.  It did not help that I was on a diet and had not eaten a thing that whole day.  Since then, I make sure I eat a ton, prior to smooching.

3.  The Mouth Shut Tight Kisser –  This kisser will not open their mouth for anything or anyone.  You consider running to the garage to get your pliers but realize it is a lost cause.

instructables.com

instructables.com

4.  The Mouth Wide Open Kisser –  You wonder if this kisser is ravenous and wants to eat your entire head, for dinner.

smosh.com

smosh.com

5.  The Heavy-Breathing Kisser – You swore this kisser was human when you leaned in for the kiss but soon realize that you are kissing Darth Vader.

6.  The Slobbery Saliva-Producing Kisser –  Really?  Drool begins pouring down your chin and you end up slipping on the puddle of spit.

memeguy.com

memeguy.com

7.  The Tongue In Your Ear Kisser –  I met one of these in college.  His tongue  went inside my ear canal, drilled and punctured my ear drum, pinched my auditory nerves and reached around the inside of my cheek and out my mouth.  My ear has never been the same.

wikihow.com

wikihow.com

6.  The Biting Kisser – This kisser is obviously still teething and needs to gnaw on your lips to sooth their aching gums.  Your friends think you had Botox injections and tell you to ease up on the stuff.

hercampus.com

hercampus.com

7.  The Eskimo Kiss Gone Wrong – Instead of a loving nose to nose affectionate nudge, this  kisser’s humongous schnozzle stabs you in the face and makes it impossible to find their lips.  You rotate your face from side to side to steer away from the brute but this nose is permanently in the way.

8.  The Vacuum Cleaner Kisser – This kisser sucks the life out of you and leaves you begging for an oxygen mask.  You end up with hickeys even on your toes.

9.  The Bad Breath Kisser – Just, ew.

rottenecards.com

rottenecards.com

10.  The Home Depot Drill Kisser – This one drills their tongue so deep into your mouth that you are left gagging and later find out that your esophagus is full of holes.

toolmonger.com

toolmonger.com

11.  The Purring/Humming Kisser –  This kisser is the reason I do not like cats.  When he kissed me, a very strange noise was heard coming out his mouth or was it his belly?  Wherever it was coming from, all I know is that it sounded like the high pitch purring screech of a whale in labor.

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Happy International Kissing Day 7/6/14

What influenced your kissing career?  What experiences scarred you for life?

53 thoughts on “Because Your Kiss Is On My List

  1. This was fun to read as a first read. But you left out one vital kind of kisser–the “burp in your mouth” kisser, who could be included in the bad breath category, but bad breath is bad enough without having him burp while his tongue is stuck halfway down your esophagus. Not a second date prospect.

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  2. I hate closed mouth kissers!! I don’t care if you drool all over me or breathe heavy or shove your tongue down my throat. But closed mouth? I might as well be kissing a statue.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, I believe everyone can be taught. And I tend to take it upon myself to leave men better than I found them. It’s like a catch and release program.

        I do like my ears being kissed, but not aggressively. So I would prefer to kiss an actual statue to some of these men. Unless, they immediately stopped after the first time I told them to.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Interesting topic, Mrs. B. Thinking back to the pre-my-Mrs.-B-days (of course I am a happy one-person kisser now) I have to chime in with the comment that you pretty much should know right off the bat when the kissing chemistry isn’t going to work, you know? No matter the style, in a matter of seconds you should both realize if it’s a no-go, or, let’s continue to explore how these four lips can work something out.

    And when things are going well, both parties should be smoothly transitioning from one element of your list to another, leaving out the drooling and ear-drilling and stupid stuff.

    Here’s my biggest beef with your pretty little post. You don’t address what you or any other second party is doing while those things on the list are going on. Kissing is a two-person sport!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right. You know right away if those four lips should continue to connect. Sadly that is what happened to me. They were nice people and we were just getting to know each other but there wasn’t enough substance there to get beyond the kissing. 🙂 If you really like the person then the kissing is something you can work through.

      I had fun writing this because many of us have experienced at least one of these – plus it was International Kissing Day! And the ear thing I haven’t been able to forget! 🙂

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  4. Oh man! What a great list! I had a horrible first kiss. The guy was like a fish! Ewwwwwwww! I never forgot it! But later boyfriends more than made up for that. 😉

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  5. I had a “danger of lipnapping” kiss. Apparently there is such a thing as having lips too big and too soft. I remember kissing this one boy and nearly panicking. My thoughts? “I can’t feel my lips!” Apparently when they have lips that big and muscleless, your lips can actually sink so deeply into theirs that you no longer feel them. Considering my lips are pretty full, I almost freaked. It was also the first and only time I kissed him.

    Loved your list. By about my senior year in high school I’d decided that if I had to teach them how to kiss, it was probably not going to work out. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This list is hilarious! I’ve met several of these kissers. You forgot the opposite of the bad breath kisser though. The Wait While I Get Some Gum Kisser – I dated him briefly in High School and I don’t remember us ever kissing unless he had gum in his mouth first, which I kinda hated. If I wanted to make out with that much mint I’da canoodled with my own Trident pack, ok? Geez!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha,ha,ha! canoodle with a Trident pack. That would be a sight to see. Couldn’t he just use a mint or spray? This reminds me of a time I was at my doctor’s office and he was checking my mouth and asked me to say ahhh, while he stuck the tongue depressor in my mouth. I had forgotten to throw my gum out and it got stuck on the stick. EMBARRASING! 🙂

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    1. Yea, that’s got to be one of the worst. The ear worm was pretty bad too. Who wants drool down their ear drum? I shudder when I think of it. Thank Goodness I don’t need to explore any longer. My research is done! 🙂

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  7. OMG that first photo is a squirmy one. And the aptly named photo from smosh? Amazing she’s not black from asphyxiation. And the drill? Haha. Might have to go to yoga and do some ohmming to calm down.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I haven’t had any traumatic kissing experiencing. Not all of them were great, but I can’t remember any that were really horrible. One of the best and most sensual kisses was actually with another chick. Ooooh. I’m getting hot just remembering it. 🙂 *blush*

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh Maria, this had me in absolute stitches! If anyone tried to stick their tongue in my ear I would be put right off, not my scene that at all, haha! As for the rest, so funny. But the one that intrigues me the most is the purring/humming kisser…what on earth? High-pitched whirring of a whale in labour? Geeze, that would make me run a mile! No wonder you don’t like cats!!!!! I met a guy back in the day (that would be the late 70’s, haha!), an American actually, called Chuck. I was 19 and had never heard the name Chuck for one thing. The only word he could say was ‘yeah’ and when he tried to kiss me I thought I was going to suffocate. That almost put me off for life. But there were other horrible ones too which I won’t go into. Or the good ones…great post for this Monday, thanks Maria for the laughs-out-loud 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Sherri! The ear guy…ew. It really grossed me out because he thought he was doing something right but it felt so very wrong! I ran out of the room so fast. Poor guy and poor ear of mine. The purring one, oh the purring one. It was like the whimper of a whale, cat or both at once. It completely turned me off. Your Chuck trying to suffocate you, AY – you poor thing. I’ll have to hear about your other horrible experiences someday. 🙂

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  10. Hahaha!! I love the holes drilled in the esophagus description. So funny. My worst experience came from kissing a guy with braces. He was one of those energetic, all over the mouth kissers, but his braces rubbed my top lip until it bled. Yuck.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ah you forgot the eat your lips kisser. The one that apparently either doesn’t know what they are doing or just has lips on hyperdrive. They don’t really kiss just move their lips as fast as they can. You try to slow them down but you can’t catch a lip because they are tensed up and on the move.

    Of course then the slide kissers who slide their lips slowly down your neck and onto your shoulder, perhaps pausing along the way.

    I’ve experienced one and am the other. I’ll not say which.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I like the ones you added to the list. I know there are many other “techniques” out there I didn’t cover. 🙂 I am willing to bet on the one you are, but like you, I’ll not say which. 🙂

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