When I look back at my kissing career, I remember very distinct experiences that shaped my kissing preferences and styles, to this day.
Although I am not an expert in this field, my extensive research on this topic growing up, yielded some successful results. I was able to repeat the experiments with all my subjects and almost always, got the same results. There were however some deviations that ended up skewing my data.
Just like there is an extensive list of ice cream flavors to choose from, there are a considerable amount of kissing styles that are used.
Like first impressions, first kisses can leave lasting traumatic memories engraved in your mind that you may never be able to erase.
A kiss can either seal the deal or break it.
I have had mostly positive kissing experiences, apart from the three that stick out in my mind.
Let us take a look at some of the different types of kisses and kissers most of us have encountered during our kissing pilgrimages and which ones scarred me for life:
1. The Soft Kisser – This kisser kisses you so lightly, you worry that you may have fallen asleep in the middle of it and missed it all together. When you do feel it, it is gentle, somewhat ticklish and leaves you wanting more.
2. The Powerful Kisser – You did not even see this one coming. Without warning, you find yourself pinned against the wall gasping for air. Your knees buckle, you feel a tingling sensation down south, you become dizzy, nauseous and then you, faint. At least that is what happened to me when I was in high school. It did not help that I was on a diet and had not eaten a thing that whole day. Since then, I make sure I eat a ton, prior to smooching.
3. The Mouth Shut Tight Kisser – This kisser will not open their mouth for anything or anyone. You consider running to the garage to get your pliers but realize it is a lost cause.
4. The Mouth Wide Open Kisser – You wonder if this kisser is ravenous and wants to eat your entire head, for dinner.
5. The Heavy-Breathing Kisser – You swore this kisser was human when you leaned in for the kiss but soon realize that you are kissing Darth Vader.
6. The Slobbery Saliva-Producing Kisser – Really? Drool begins pouring down your chin and you end up slipping on the puddle of spit.
7. The Tongue In Your Ear Kisser – I met one of these in college. His tongue went inside my ear canal, drilled and punctured my ear drum, pinched my auditory nerves and reached around the inside of my cheek and out my mouth. My ear has never been the same.
6. The Biting Kisser – This kisser is obviously still teething and needs to gnaw on your lips to sooth their aching gums. Your friends think you had Botox injections and tell you to ease up on the stuff.
7. The Eskimo Kiss Gone Wrong – Instead of a loving nose to nose affectionate nudge, this kisser’s humongous schnozzle stabs you in the face and makes it impossible to find their lips. You rotate your face from side to side to steer away from the brute but this nose is permanently in the way.
8. The Vacuum Cleaner Kisser – This kisser sucks the life out of you and leaves you begging for an oxygen mask. You end up with hickeys even on your toes.
9. The Bad Breath Kisser – Just, ew.
10. The Home Depot Drill Kisser – This one drills their tongue so deep into your mouth that you are left gagging and later find out that your esophagus is full of holes.
11. The Purring/Humming Kisser – This kisser is the reason I do not like cats. When he kissed me, a very strange noise was heard coming out his mouth or was it his belly? Wherever it was coming from, all I know is that it sounded like the high pitch purring screech of a whale in labor.
Happy International Kissing Day 7/6/14
What influenced your kissing career? What experiences scarred you for life?