Have you ever had an aha moment that is immediately followed by a wave of deep sadness because it was during that aha moment, that you realized how bad things were going to be?
This is what happened to me today. Out of nowhere, I gained wisdom about something I knew would be difficult, but the clarity of the situation really struck me.
This wave of sadness has taken over my body and mind.
What do we writers/bloggers do when we experience a deep emotion? We write, of course.
It’s as if someone kicked me with all their force right in the gut. I feel like a shriveled up deflated balloon that moments before, was filled with air, joy and happiness.
As many of you loyal readers know, I will have an empty nest this coming fall. I have written about it on many occasions. I talk about running around the house naked swearing like a sailor. About having more time with Mr. Brickhouse and even on how we will save on electricity. All in good fun.
Today however, I don’t see it that way. Today, I truly understand the impact and meaning of this much-anticipated empty nest. Why didn’t I think of this before? Why didn’t I see it? How stupid of me to think otherwise. I was looking at an ideal life. An imagined vision of me stepping right into this next stage in my life with open arms. Blindly and naïvely envisioning a future when I could finally focus on myself, my goals, my health and my marriage.
And then it hit me.
I will be alone.
Stuck at home, by myself.
With no purpose to my every day.
No longer needed by anyone.
Just me and my thoughts.
Just me and my illness.
I already spend a lot of my days on my own. I am usually too fatigued to be involved in multiple activities. I see friends when they are not working, I try to walk, I blog, I watch tv and I mother. Mothering has given me a purpose and an identity.
The fact is that Mr. Brickhouse has a very demanding job. He is gone all day and most nights, at meetings. I know this. I have known this. I have accepted this. But now, it saddens me to no end. I cannot depend on him to be there. It is not fair to expect him to fill my void.
My aha moment made me realize the reality of what awaits me.
What will I do?
What plans do I have?
What are my goals?
What is my purpose?
The fact that I cannot hold a job due to my illness has bothered me in the past but I knew deep down that the most important job I could do, was being the best mother I could be, despite my physical limitations.
Wake up. Rest. Wait until my body is not stiff. Eat breakfast. Rest. Run an errand. Rest. Blog. Rest. Pay bills. Rest. Go for a walk. Rest. Eat dinner on my own. Rest. Blog. Sleep. Repeat.
This will be my life.
My new reality.
It scares me to death.
It leaves me vulnerable with thoughts I have repressed for way too long.
It leaves me with just me.
I will allow these feelings to simmer for a day or two because they need to.
They are real.
They are valid.
And in the end:
This too shall pass