My New Battery-Operated Best Friend

brickhousechick
goodreads.com

goodreads.com

Andale, Andale Amigos!

After you read this, run to your nearest Sporting Goods store and buy at least 20 of these, ASAP!  You can also order them online with expedited shipping.  I don’t care HOW you get them, just GET THEM!!

One of my fave blogger friends whom I love and who sweats through her goals,  Nancy at My Year of Sweat, has the copyrights to the name, My Year of Sweat.  I wouldn’t dare violate any copyright laws but what I will tell you is that I’ve had a lifetime of sweat!  I have only met one other woman (Hi Deb – I got you one of these!) besides myself, who sweats as much as I do.  I’m talking buckets upon buckets.  Really.  Just by existing.

sweating-buckets-p.gif

I’ve been like this since day one.  I don’t even have to exert any energy or move an inch and the sweat is pouring down my face, neck, cleavage and back.  It’s like my head is a portable heater, permanently on.  

vector

vector

I don’t sweat under my arms or in my legs so much, it all stems from my head.  Oh, and boob sweat.  Those sweat to0!

e6389196cc70b7dfab909b3923368da8

This was always a source of  embarrassment for me, particularly when it came to dates and boyfriends.

fhm.com

fhm.com  * This is NOT what I look/ed like when hot

These guys would innocently ask me to join them for a bike ride or even a gentle stroll at a park and could not understand why I always declined.  It wasn’t that I was lazy or didn’t want to,  I just could not let them see my…shall we call it, special glow?

imgfave.com

 

 I looked and smelled more like this:

melbournephotos.com

melbournephotos.com

I don’t care what they say about sweat and how natural it is and how it’s the body’s way of cooling itself ( yada, yada, yada), the fact is that it stinks and it sucks.

Now add:  Perimenaupase to the equation.

Royalty-Free-RF-Clip-Art-Illustration-Of-A-Cartoon-Crying-Girl-Throwing-A-Temper-Tantrum-1024437569

Carajo!

A deadly and disgusting combination.

I take about 55 showers a day during the summer only to continue sweating the minute I get out of the shower.  I have tried inserting my head inside an air conditioning unit but eventually I have to go to the bathroom or eat something, so that hasn’t worked.  

I have tried everything!

Like doing this:

glee.wikia.com

glee.wikia.com

And this:

jezebel.com

jezebel.com

And this:

1999301766_1377743115

And this:

9721679-an-image-of-a-hot-sweaty-man-trying-to-stay-cool

And this:

allposters.com

allposters.com

Even this:

goodreads.com

goodreads.com

To no avail.

The other day, I was at a sporting store purchasing binoculars for Mr. Brickhouse (who by the way NEVER sweats!) as a father’s day gift, when I spotted some bright colorful items on a table.

I was intrigued because like a child, I have to investigate everything.

This is when I behaved even more like a child by peeing in my pants!

Holy Caramba!  A Necklace Fan??

It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a sweaty long time.  

amazon.com

amazon.com

Isn’t she gorgeous?  All she requires is two double AA batteries to bring her user to a cooling ecstasy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Even better than her other battery operated cousins who also please their users.

This baby goes around your neck whispering sweet nothings in your ear and blowing cooling and refreshing air right up to your face.  All day long.  It goes with you wherever you go, fanning your senses into limitless delight.

Here she is providing me with endless joy

Here she is providing me with endless joy

So my amigos, you too can feel such marvelous bliss.  One place they have them is at, 

http://www.amazon.com/O2-Cool-Necklace-Fan-Assorted/dp/B007OYTJE8

Don’t worry, they use the utmost discretion when packaging this euphoric battery-operated gadget, understanding your need for privacy.

ps.  You may want to order extra batteries.

 

57 thoughts on “My New Battery-Operated Best Friend”

  2. Oh Maria, this cracked me up, I’m still laughing! When I started getting hot flashes my mum brought me a little battery-operated hand fan which I carry in my bag and it is great, but I never heard of one you can wear around your neck! When we moved here I insisted on a ceiling fan in our bedroom as I got so used to them in the States. I’m so glad, I couldn’t survive without it. Thanks for the link, and keep cool kid 😉

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  3. Oh my goodness, I need one!

    Also, don’t you love how they don’t tell you anything about peri-menopause until your in it? Like the fact that it lasts about a decade and totally sucks? I thought I got until 50 until weird things started happening to my body.

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  4. HAHA oh my gosh, I was laughing this entire post. When I was younger I had the worst underarm sweat. I got this stuff to rub on my pits to stop the sweating, and then as I got older and all crunchy granola I stopped using it cause it totally wasn’t natural. Somehow my baking soda pat down on my pits is enough to combat any sweat these days!!

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  5. Ay-ay-ay-ay, dije en Twitter que estoy ciego… no he visto el fan porque soy cortés, no quiero dejarme a mirar las chichis mucho. Okay, your muchachas, pero un caballero de valor no permite esa descortesía… and then I think you’re talking about a battery-operated Mr. Happy? Ay caramba!

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        1. Thank you! I guess it’s paying off. I asked Shitastrophy on Twitter why I wasn’t getting bizarre search terms, and she said, “that’s because you are classy!” It was the sweetest thing I’d read all day.

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  7. I howled at this title, Maria. I’m so glad that I’ve finally gotten around to see what this battery operated wonder is. I wonder if I can fit that thing up my crotch, because I almost always have sweat running down my legs in summer (really, it’s sweat), and it is so, so embarrassing. I wear dresses because they’re cooler, but I still sweat buckets down there.

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  10. Pingback: 10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About | ronovanwrites

    1. Ha,ha! My man is the only man I know that does not sweat! What I would give to be like him…

      Yes, my muchachas are always hot and I discovered yesterday that if I turn the necklace fan upside down, it fans the girls!!! Woot! Woot! 🙂

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  15. Great post, Maria!

    So funny- and helpful.

    Are you on Facebook? There’s a post circulating from Buzzfeed, or somewhere, about why large-breasted women hate the simmer. And boob sweat was the major complaint!

    Enjoy your fan.

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  16. This invention is almost as great as your post, Maria! You crack me up! For whatever reason, instead of hot flashes, I freeze all of the time, especially in my office. If I turn the home A/C to 81 at night, in bed, I have to get a blanket. I guess perimenaupase can work the thermostat in both directions? I’m so happy you’ve deserved this life-saving gadget! xo

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    1. Being cold is no fun either! Although you can wrap yourself up and get warm. I do get cold in the winter and my joints hurt but then in the summer I am one hot mess! I am so happy with my new battery-operated gadget! I need to get them in every color to match my outfits and lipstick, of course! 🙂

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  18. Ay Dios mio. Boob sweat is my middle name. And as embarrassing as that is, it’s got nothing on crotch sweat. Yes. Crotch. Sweat. When I work out, I get this massive ring of crotch sweat that looks like I’ve peed my pants. I have now learned to wear only black lycra workout pants because any other color or fabric shows my issue with a frightening degree of clarity.

    Oh, and back sweat. What is with back sweat?? This is a new thing. Peri-menopausal, I think.

    Must get the necklace fan.

    *wonders if they have a thong version*

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    1. Ha,ha,ha, Nancy!!! You poor thing! I think you should get two of these. One for your neck and the other you can wrap around both thighs and just let the air go right up (inside your yoga pants). It may get you some strange looks but hey, it will beat the crotch sweat! At lease you have an excuse for your sweating, you are actually moving! Sigh.

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    1. LOL, and we all know how much virgins sweat on prom night! Wait, are there any of them left by prom night? You won’t be sorry you ordered one. They are somewhat quiet and don’t mess up your hair. Win=Win! 🙂

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  25. This is one of the cutest and most hilarious posts ever! Also a very sly and subtle promo piece. Well done! I love it! I don’t sweat much though so I probably won’t be buying one but if I did sweat well I would buy ten!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Hello, Gracie! Thanks so much for stopping by. I am glad you enjoyed this post (says sweaty girl as she types). You are SOO lucky that you don’t sweat much! It’s no fun! I guess then since you don’t need one of these miracle fans, I can get myself a couple more! 🙂

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      1. No kidding! In fact darling buy up the whole lot of them. I can relate to the misery of perimenopause though. God, sometimes I just wish those hot flashes and mood swings would come so I could get this done with already. lol

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