Why I Had NO Business Baking

tumblr_mjw3m8HpPG1qhr01io1_400I blame it all on a couple of blogger friends.  Yes you.  You know who you are.  Not only can you write, but you are Betty Crocker material when it comes to baking.  AND to make matters worse, you take beautiful pictures of your works of art for me to drool on my laptop over – thank you very much.

bettypicturecookbook.com

That ‘somewhere delicious’ ain’t in MY kitchen.  bettypicturecookbook.com 

This pretty much describes you people:

memeorama.com

memeorama.com

I don’t want to mention any names, but I will.  There’s Brittany  at

http://blissfulbritt.com

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who is living La Pura Vida while I’m living La Vida Loca trying to emulate her and make some of her delicious healthy treats.  On top of that, she has the nerve to run off her calories and look gorgeous after eating what she makes.  Muchas Gracias, Brittany!

funnyjunk.com

funnyjunk.com

What did me in, was last week’s post by  The Guat at

https://thewishfactor.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/celebrating-600-posts-with-a-12-by-12-challenge/

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who is not only MOTHER OF THE YEAR as she takes her kiddies all over creation having awesome adventures and also runs (damn it, how did I become friends with so many runners), but she decided to make a killer double chocolate raspberry cake from scratch.

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This is the Sweet merengue buttercream raspberry filling she whipped up.

I figured, if Guat can do this so can Brickhouse, except that, NO. 

1.  First of all, I have ZERO counter space in my kitchen.  There are 155 appliances (none which are for baking) that sit on my two countertops leaving me a square inch in which to work on.

2.  I have ONLY ever made boxed cakes in my half century of existence, in this planet.Betty_Crocker_Cake_Mix.jpg

 3.  I do not own any baking equipment necessary

etsy.com

etsy.com

for accomplishing such a hefty task.  I have a wooden spoon, a spatula and an old mixer.

squeedo.com

squeedo.com

4.  No one warned me that the ingredients needed to make this masterpiece would cost $487 as opposed to $2.99 for the cake mix and $2.55 for the frosting can.

$5/bag - The box mix is cheaper!

$5/bag 

csmonitor.com

csmonitor.com

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It would have been cheaper to buy the cow

5.  Or that my kitchen would look like a chocolate explosive projectile, at the end.

adoptingjames.wordpress

adoptingjames.wordpress

6.  My unsuspecting family was not counting on getting severe hearing loss, as I attempted to mix in the butter sticks 2 tablespoons at a time as the recipe called for, with butter sticks that were NOT at room temperature (as the recipe called for) for hours.

Even Pistorius couldn't handle the noise! Espn.com

Even Pistorius couldn’t handle the noise! Espn.com

7.  That I would become the kitchen NAZI/EVIL WOMAN, not allowing anyone to utter one word to me, never mind enter the war zone to get a glass of water.

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In the end (5 hours later, or 6) by some miracle of the Kitchen Gods, the cake was done and it was, if I may say so myself, 
DELICIOSO!
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40 thoughts on “Why I Had NO Business Baking

  1. You sure look like a heck of a baker to me! That cake looks delish! I can cook a bit but can’t bake at all. I leave that to the bakery across the street.

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  2. This is hands down my favorite post of all time. OH MY GOSH!! I LOVEEE!! HAHAHA your words about my blog and I made me smile, laugh, and blush all in one. You are too kind!! I SO WISH you lived near me because I would PUSH SO MUCH CHOCOLATE DOWN YOUR THROAT! I still think you should give the baking thing another shot, maybe with something a littttllleee easier! HAHA!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had fun writing this! Let’s face it, I could never be like you or Guat. It just ain’t gonna happen, Brittany! But I will forever be a good eater of chocolate. I am a traumatized baker wanna-be.

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  3. What do you mean, you had no business baking? That cake is gorgeous!

    My hubby got me one of those gleaming, red Kitchen-aid mixers for Christmas. And while I love it, I would have loved it more 10 years ago when the kids were at home and I was cooking. Also, I have the same situation vis a vis counter space. I’ve only used it a couple of times, but I dusted it off to make Irish soda bread this weekend just so he could see me use it. The bread was great, by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, the cake looked gorgeous and tasted gorgeous…BUT. I am still recovering from this traumatic experience and so is my family. It was definitely Hell’s Kitchen that night. I am not worthy of a gleaming red Kitchen-Aid mixer. Let others who deserve to own one have them.

      I like you a little less now that you were able to make this wonderful Irish soda bread successfully! I forgive you, however.

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    1. PLEASE do a drink recipe blog! I would so enjoy that and am pretty sure I would succeed in trying out the recipes. I do ok cooking, but baking is beyond my abilities. It hurts my brain when I attempt it. 🙂

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  4. Sooo funny!
    I love to cook, but am not a great baker – too much chemistry – one little deviation and you get a different result than intended. Plus….you can’t bake and multi-task…or drink wine! Love the graphics and your cake is gorgeous!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s it! Too much CHEMISTRY! I knew there had to be a logical reason why I fail at baking, every time. If I had been able to drink wine, I might have enjoyed the process but my eyes were glued to that recipe in case I missed one tiny detail, that would have messed up the whole cake. Way too much stress. Who needs that?

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    1. LOL! “My blog is for all my failures and humiliations”. I love that! I admire people who can bake and I love looking at the pictures of the final product. I just had absolutely NO business thinking I could do the same. 🙂

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  5. Oh that does look nice. I hate baking so I use box mixes for special occasions only. No one ever eats it all. I do have an awesome recipe for biscuits and a granola mix that you don’t need to bake so I might have to try them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I DO admit that the cake was moist and melt in your mouth delicious! But, I’d rather run to the store and get one already made! I have also decided that it is better NOT to know how much sugar and fat go into baking things. I prefer to be oblivious so that I can enjoy every bite. I have never ingested so much butter in my life.

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  6. There is so much RIGHT about this post, such good writing and so many laugh-out-loud pictures, examples and details, that it suffices to say BRAVA! Sign up the “I have no idea what I’m doing” dog as your assistant and write a book, star on Saturday Night Live, or take this on the road to stardoom!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yeah, baking ain’t mah thang! I can cook just fine, but something about the exactness of the recipes for baking trips me up. I’ve been trying more lately because they kids seem to enjoy it, but I take shortcuts. Box of something and then add some real ingredients and voila! Who will know the difference? Well, I guess you. And anyone reading this. But besides that! Not a soul.

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    1. That’s right. The exactness of baking is too stressful. Every measurement has to be exact and there’s no mixing up baking soda for baking powder or else!! Too much butter too. No gracias. It was not fun while it lasted. LOL. 🙂

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  8. Ha! I LOVE THIS! I love that you have that mean chef accompanying your title. It cracked me up! I haven’t seen the other blogs you speak of, but now that you gave them the OK I’m definitely gonna check them out. Although I’m not a professional baker or anything, but I’m a professional chocolate eater. 38 years under my belt on that one. And yeah sometimes baking is complicated but as long as you’re not in a rush it’s all good. And yes that cake was crazy good and yours definitely looked awesome. I loved that you baked something from scratch. Taste so much better, verdad? And that butter picture had me rolling. I had no idea there was soooooooooooo much butter in everything. It makes me think twice about having two pieces.

    I actually baked twice this week … once yesterday a Trisha Yearwood Italian Cream Cake Creation that was AWESOME (easier than the chocolate raspberry) and then my 2 of 12 chocolate challenge which involved chocolate cupcakes. Duuuuuuude. I need to lace up my New Balance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Guat. Your ears must have been ringing on Sunday! And not necessarily in a good way. LOL. What the heck? Cutting parchment paper to place at bottom of pans?? Putting the bowl of egg whites in a pot of simmering water??? I didn’t have a real mixer and no frikin’ paddle attachment so my buttermilk merengue filling was the consistency of cottage cheese and was bleeding tons of frozen raspberry juice! Then the butter. Gallons upon gallons of butter. It was a LARD fest! And SUGAR! The light fluffy confectioners type that ends up all over the walls. Not to mention the cocoa powder that blew up onto my ceiling! I’m still cleaning up the mess. My family needs to use Close Caption while watching TV now from the damage to their ear drums. AY! Gracias a Dios it tasted good! I’ll just continue to drool over your creations – thank you very much.

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    1. It was crazy. My family couldn’t believe how long it took me and how cranky I got! Thank God it actually tasted good or I would have sobbed! I had to cut parchment paper the shape of two cake pans. WHO does that!???

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    1. Baking for ME is absolutely NOT relaxing!! I stare at the recipe for hours to make sure I don’t miss anything and then I keep re-checking the ingredients and I always miss something or mess up something. It is so stressful and so much work. I’m done. 🙂

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