Holy Guaca-MOLE! How I Made a Mountain Out Of a MOLE-Hill

****WARNING: This post contains an insane amount of exclamation marks!!!!!!****

How often does one see a mole scurrying around their bedroom in the middle of the day?  Anyone?

And I am not talking a mole like, on your face:

dreamstime.com

dreamstime.com

I am talking a dark furry disgusting blind rodent like this one:

dreamscapes.com

dreamstime.com

Don’t give me that, “it’s kind of cute” business, because – it is NOT.

Questions: What the heck is a MOLE? What is the difference between a MOLE a VOLE a SHREW and a MOUSE and more importantly, why is it in MY ROOM?

Answer:  No difference, they are all disease-causing parasite ridden barbarians that do NOT belong in my bedroom!!!

For the love of children all around the world, why am I being punished?  It was bad enough having a gigantic pregnant spider in my coat closet a couple of months ago, now this?

20131108_185950

Let me tell you the burrowing details;

My daughter and I were hanging out on my bed (well, technically it’s also Mr. brickhouse’s bed but he wasn’t home) last Saturday morning chatting away, while still wearing our batas (bathrobes).  My son had a college friend over for the weekend.

All was lovely and peaceful, when suddenly my daughter yells out, “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  There is a black mouse right there, OH MY GOD!!!!!”  

Typically, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, I tend to stay calm during emergencies and try not to show fear so that my kids stay calm as well.  This did not happen.

Are you insane, daughter of mine????? You must be hallucin…HOLY GuacaMOLE!!! There it is! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While standing on the bed utterly horrified, we yelled out in unison, “MATT!!!!!!!!!! HELP US, THERE IS A MOUSE in here!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get it out!  Get it out!  Get it out!

Traumatized by our screams, the little savage squeezed under the bedroom door and ran out into the hallway.  But as my son and his friend were running toward our room to rescue us (wait for it…) the rabid earthworm- eater came BACK into the room and disappeared behind my dresser. Did you know that their saliva is toxic and they use it to paralyze the worms they capture? Yea.

Before I go on, are you able to truly appreciate – shear hysteria?  Have you ever suffered or witnessed someone else suffering from a full blown case of irrational and diabolical hysteria?  No?  Well, let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.  Especially, if you are an educated adult, a parent and many years older than your children.

My son and his friend (who will likely never return to our home after this debacle) ran into the room and began looking for the brute.  It ran behind the TV.  It hid behind the file cabinet.  It scurried across my papers on the floor.  They chased it, they tried capturing it and hitting it with a stick.  But the little vermin was too fast.  

Needless to say, my daughter and I had stopped breathing at this point and had no feeling in any of our limbs.  Get the f-in thing, NOW or I will kill you both!!!  Yes, I actually said those exact words to the two boys…

Next thing we know, it runs back out under the door into the hallway and straight to the bathroom.  The boys lock themselves in the tiny bathroom with their weapons to try to catch the beast.  Meanwhile, my daughter and I stuff a towel under the door blocking any possible re-entry and barricade ourselves in the bedroom.  

vastplanetnews - barricade

vastplanetnews – barricade

The boys came out of the bathroom and informed us that the thing was GONE!  Vanished!  Not in the bathroom!  WHAT??????????????????  ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME??  I TOLD YOU TO GET IT NOW OR I WOULD KILL YOU!  LOOK AGAIN!  IT CAN’T BE GONE!! PLEASE, GET IT NOW!!  Yes, I yelled out those exact words.

“Mom, it must have gone down the dryer vent or something, it is not in the bathroom!”

My daughter and I held each other tight and began to whimper.  For the love of God, GET HIM, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Two hours later, we were still barricaded in the bedroom with no intention of ever coming out.  We tried to read and pass the time as best we could but every couple of minutes one of us would say, “Oh my God, I’m going to die.  Where is it? I am never leaving this room, ever!!!!

After my son came in to check on us to make sure we were still breathing, he closed the door and left.  The towel!!!  He messed up the towel under the door!  At that moment,  I stared my daughter down and demanded she go secure the towel tightly in the event the monster came back.  “No mom, I’m too scared. What if it’s hiding in the towel?”   My eyes widened and with pure and raw intimidation I replied, IF YOU DON’T FIX THE DAMN TOWEL NOW, WE ARE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” Yes, I said those exact words.

google Yup, this was me

google
Yup, this was me

That’s when my son’s friend (who feared for his life now) yelled out that he could see the killer (the mole not me) going down the basement stairs.  He and my son cornered it and trapped it using my wicker wastebasket.  Prolem: the wastebasket had small holes all around it and the savage was trying to squeeze out of one of the holes.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  

wickerliving Not a good mole trap.

wickerliving
Not a good mole trap.

My son quickly put the wastebasket inside one of his big fishing buckets.  It let out a deafening high pitch squeal as it tried to climb up the bucket.  OMG! Kill me now!!!

My son yelled out, “I think it’s a vole or maybe a mole, take a look at it mom.”  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Put a cover on that bucket, or it will get out!!!  “Mom, it can’t climb up the bucket!”  I don’t care, cover it up NOW!!

Because Mr. brickhouse is a biologist, we decided we better not kill it (damn biologists) and left the bucket outside so that he could identify it and get rid of it once he got home.

I braved it and decided to take a peek at it.  EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  It was black and furry and had a horrid pointy nose and paws with one extra thumb on each paw and it was shiny and gross and what the hell was this subterranean evil-doer doing inside my house!?  

talesofamoleman

talesofamoleman

Just as my daughter and I were beginning to regain our strength, it occurred to me.  What if there are more of them????  Where is its mama? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

It has been three days since the horrifying incident and my daughter and I are still being treated for having a severe case of MOLE-phobia, to which there is no known cure.

 

If you give a mole a muffin…

61 thoughts on “Holy Guaca-MOLE! How I Made a Mountain Out Of a MOLE-Hill

  1. Haha, this was hilarious (although I’m sure it wasn’t for you at the time!) I’m not that worried about mice or rats–we even had pet rats for a while, but I draw the line at snakes, anywhere in the vicinity of where I happen to be. This is a problem considering I like hiking and bushwalking… I literally leap into the air if I hear a rustle in leaves or undergrowth. The Handsome Sidekick finds it most amusing.

    Like

  2. Wherever you live, I am not moving there! The pregnant spider was enough. *shudders* I have to say, though, that finding a scorpion in my bathroom once was not a pleasant experience. Thankfully, one of the cats maimed the beast!!! I screamed and ran into the kitchen; my roommate had to go in and slay it.

    Great, hilarious post. Susie sent me! 🙂

    Like

  3. Going forward, my friend, I will remind you of this moment if you ever tease me about my frog phobia. I am not above finding all sorts of mole pics and sharing them with you on Twitter. 😀

    Like

  4. What a great story. My ex once got a call from his sister (who was 16 at the time) that there was a raccoon running around their house. He, however, was 3 hours away and could do nothing about it. I think he advised her to call the police.

    Susie sent me!

    Like

    1. Sorry about your spill on your white capris. I always have my little ‘Tide To Go’ stain pen with me, if you were here I could do magic and get it all out! 🙂

      Thanks for warning me about the fences lined up with…DEAD MOLES! I enlarged the picture because I had to see it clearer. OMG. Or should I say, WTF? Why? What?
      I enjoyed your post very much. Your description of the WTFs was epic! Thanks for partying with me. 🙂

      Like

  5. Cartoon mice are so cute, but in real life not so much. I relate to your story. I found one dead mouse in our basement and it took my half a year to go back down there. If I wanted something I made my husband get it. One can never be too cautious about mice, imho.

    Oh, and btw, Susie sent me.

    Like

    1. Ha! Dead or alive I would be traumatized. This mole in my bedroom really got me. What the heck is a mole doing in my bedroom. I still cringe when I think about it. 🙂 Thanks for mingling at Susie’s. I just went to your place and read about your pesty squirrels. 🙂

      Like

    1. Ha,ha! Nowhere is safe! BTW, I’m sure you have heard this many times but you really have the most beautiful piercing blue eyes!!! Last night I was watching the show, Suburgatory and realized that TESSA is you! TESSA is AUSSA! Both beautiful red-heads with rich blue eyes. 🙂 I know, I don’t have a life.

      Like

  6. I laughed and winced at your story. My brother had moles in his backyard. He showed pictures of them. Uggggggghhhh!!! They are disgusting! And I’m a fan of the Mole character in Wind in the Willows. But in real life, they are gross. So I would have screamed the house down!!!!

    Like

    1. I had never seen one and we have never had them in the yard so I don’t know where this little sucker came from. I pray that there are not anymore scurrying around, Linda.
      BTW, just so you know my heart issues I blogged about happened six years ago and I haven’t had an episode since. Thanks for your concern! 🙂

      Like

  7. Well, this is one for the family story book!
    I have seen the grass move as they tunnel below it – SOOO creepy – can’t imagine seeing one in my bedroom! This is the stuff of nightmares – you described it so well, I was squirming as I read your post!

    Like

    1. Let me tell you funnysister, we will never forget or get over this trauma. My son is traumatized because he can never have a friend over again. My daughter is double traumatized because of the mole and for witnessing her own mother throw her under the bus and make her fix the towel. My husband is regretting marrying me and I…well, there are no words to describe my trauma.

      Like

  8. A mole? A MOLE?!?! I didn’t even know those were things that could get inside of a house.

    I once had an incident with a raccoon running into an open door in my house in college, which I shared with seven other girls. Now that was a debacle. After a round of screaming and waving brooms, mops, textbooks, and any other “weapons” we could find, the raccoon just looked at us like we were insane, turned around, and sauntered back out the door.

    I swear I heard him mutter “bitches be crazy” as he wandered away.

    Like

  9. Oh yuck! Like you, I would have been freaking out…those things are gross! We had a squirrel up in our attic a couple years ago. Laying in bed and listening to it run from one end of the attic to the other was enough to want to put the house on the market. Thankfully he was caught in our trap the next day. Critters belong outside!

    Like

    1. I am so glad to hear that there are other irrational insane people out there besides myself! PHEW! Glad that beast of a squirrel was caught. I know it’s been frigid outside and the damn critters are freezing their little tails off but this is MY house. Do they pay the mortgage? No. Do they clean it? No. They don’t get to sneak in, eat our crumbs, spread their diseases around, NOT flush the toilet after they go and cozy up in our laundry!

      Like

  10. We get mice and voles in our house from time to time, and have a nice selection of mouse traps that work well. Luckily, our moles stay outside to burrow in the yard and create big mole hills. One time when I was mowing the lawn, a mole made the fatal mistake of popping it’s head out of it’s tunnel at the exact moment I drove over it. The next pass I made, I saw this furry rodent body with big flipper paws and no head, with a schmeer of blood. Another one bites the dust!

    Like

  11. I’ve never been too afraid of vermin except for one time when we were remodeling. I opened up a drawer in the kitchen and a mouse looked up at me. Yes. I screamed. Usually I’m the one chasing them around!

    Like

  12. Okay, there are seriously tears rolling down my cheeks. The things we survive to write a good blog! I consider you a friend, but even with that being said, I’m glad it wasn’t me and it happened to you. Friends are supposed to be honest right? Seriously, it must have been awful. Sleep with a rifle and one eye open and don’t worry I’ve got your back 🙂

    Like

    1. You got my back??? Even though you had tears rolling down your cheeks??? Hmmmmmm…. 🙂 Yes, friends should be honest with each other, I guess. I can’t believe my irrational crazy behavior, I scared myself!

      Like

  13. OMG I would sell my house and move out immediately.

    I remember years ago when we had a big effing rat (Warren still says it was a mouse) in my kitchen. I didn’t sleep for days. I put out a sticky trap. It ripped its fur off and escaped, but not before flipping that sticky trap upside down on my linoleum. That was when I got really pissed. Finally got him. Carried him alive on a sticky trap and put him in our burn barrel. Yes, I am a bit sadistic.

    Like

Let it all hang out...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s