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You are a shell of existence. You live in your own web of lies. You are so trapped in the chaos, of your very own ill mind.
Not a curse you desired, but one that is here to stay. One that is kicking your ass but one only you can make go away.
You let everybody in but you let no one in. Life to you has no maybes, it is either black or white. One day feeling horrid the other, wanting to fly.
Gratification is all you desire, no matter what the price. You want it, you simply do it, you steal it – that is your vice.
Nobody understands you – you understand no one at all. You want to be someone today, yet yesterday you thought you were gay. Who will you be tomorrow? No one can really say.
Loneliness consumes you, that beast is imbedded for good. He will never leave you, loyal forever he’ll be.
You need the TODAY and the NOW. Tomorrow just does not exist.
Lessons are never learned, no life skills to retrieve. Today is all you are after, only the here an now. Mistakes continue to haunt you, repeated time after time.
Faulty connection to others, missing the one piece that counts. Feeling betrayed and judged yet hurting those in your way. A prisoner to your desires, unaware of the pain it will cause.
You know the key to thriving, but you choose to throw it away. You know where the light comes from but continue to miss the switch. You turn down the life boats that pass you and continue to swim at your own risk.
Nobody is able to reach you, you are hiding behind the wrong door. Nobody is able to help you, no matter how hard they pry. Nobody is able to save you, yet they continue to try.
Sadness engulfs your loved ones, despair and anguish mixed in. You are loved by so many, yet love proves to not be enough.
I will not judge you any further, for who am I to say. You don’t have malice within you, only the works of the beast.
Sweetness and love hide inside you, wishing they could come right out. Locked up deep down in your soul, they can’t find their desperate way out. I remember that child inside you, that smile that brightened the room.
I can’t wait for that you to come knocking and will hold on to hope for dear life. God has a way of teaching us, our faith being tested all day.
I will forever love you, yet I need to care for myself. I pray one day you awaken and dust off that book on the shelf.
So tough to turn our backs on some people, but in this case, it is the right thing for you. Powerful writing, Maria.
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Gosh. This is so raw… but also so relatable because I think we all have that person in our lives who we have to step away from.
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Very true, Aussa. As painful as it may be we do have to step away to save ourselves. BPD is such a devastating diagnosis! I would rather have my Rheumatoid Arthritis than BPD, sadly.
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Very powerful!!! I especially resonated with this: “You need the TODAY and the NOW. Tomorrow just does not exist.” So true. I have wasted these gifts for too long.
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Focusing on the TODAY and the NOW can be a great coping mechanism when life is so overwhelming and we have no control. I always remind myself to take it one minute at a time. What’s sad about Borderline Personality Disorder is that consequences are never considered because they are blinded by the immediate need. You want it, you get it.
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Do any of really understand what others think, or what goes on in their minds? Sometimes it’s better to believe the person’s actions and behavior rather than to have expectations that may always be dashed.
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You are right, the best expectation is no expectation at all. Thus, no disappointment. So the only thing to hold on to is hope without expectation. But hope is better than nothing, so I’ll take it.
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I loved the poetic power of this, it makes it all the more powerful 🙂
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Thanks, Carrie. Making it poetic gives it a fictional feel – allowing one to think it’s not real. Wishful thinking.
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So poignantly powerful and sad at the same time. Hopefully this person rights their ship before it’s too late. *Hugs*
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Thanks, Kitt. I decided to hold on to hope rather than give up for good.
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So glad that you have this outlet. But so sad that this has been such a roller coaster for you. Love to you. oxoxoxox
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It’s sad for the whole family! But, I do hold on to hope! 🙂
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What a beautifully intense post.
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It sure did feel intense writing it. Thanks for reading. 🙂
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I hope whoever this is to realizes what they’re doing…
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Not sure they do or that they can stop.
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Wonderful Maria! One of my all time favorites here!
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Thanks, Andy. It just came pouring out. 🙂
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Wow, Pretty deep poem. Hope the healing has already begun and the awesome of the “you” you speak of is emerging. Have a good one 🙂
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Gracias, Guat! It’s always deep when it comes from the heart and soul, right? Thanks for the good wishes. 🙂
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This is beautiful, Maria. I hope she reads it. xo
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Thanks, Jill. When something re-surfaces, I HAVE to write! Yesterday was tough.
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I’m sorry, Maria…I hope today is a little better.
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