That One Obnoxious Christmas Letter

The Most Beautiful & Talented Family

100 Obnoxious Drive

Bragging, MN 11111

Dear average people  Family & Friends,

I hope this letter finds you all happy (actually, I don’t really give a damn how you are), healthy and with none of those ugly warts and chin hairs many of you had last year filled with joy.  What a year it has been for us (because it is all about us)!  Where to begin?!

Little Grant graduated from first grade after only three months.  He was named valedictorian of his class and won the alphabet writing contest duh.   Because he has the best hand writing in the entire prestigious private school, the Dean has chosen our little Grant to do all the hand writing for the school.  We insisted they pay our little nugget $300 per sentence (if they think they are going to take advantage of our gifted heir, they’ve got another thing coming!)

Of course, Grant is even more handsome than he was last year (if that is even possible).  Is it me or are children getting uglier and uglier by the minute?  We tell precious boy not to get too close to his classmates and send him to school with extra anti-bacterial wipes. UGH!  If only he didn’t have to interact with those dirty rug-rats!

Our dahhhhlin’ Elizabeth continues to keep us on our toes! She does not let her father and I get away with anything.  She insists on storing all the alcohol in the house in her private wing.  She wants to protect us and keep us safe from the awful stuff (I prefer Xanax).  What a caring and amazing daughter we have.  We most certainly trust our little princess.  She does not drink (that’s just Listerine on her breath), does not do drugs (the smoke is from her incense candles) and has never had SEX at the tender age of 18.  She would never betray us.

This past summer, Lizzy-poo flew to Africa on her own with no clothes on her back and lived in a remote village where she discovered a pristine water well!  Her discovery was responsible for providing drinking water to the entire continent!  Oh, Lizzy…  Now, she is preparing to move to the White House after the President asked her to bypass college and be his Chief of Staff.  Oh my, I haven’t got a thing to wear to the White House!

Dick the 10th and I took our little 150 foot yacht out on the Caribbean Sea for a couple of months but ended up having to cut our trip short because Dick-wad spilled red wine on our $20,000 sofa.  I’ve told him a million times not to sit on the sofa, never mind drink wine on it!  Instead, we flew to London in our private jet for the day and returned with 8 top of the line English Bulldogs given to us by the Queen.  I have had no choice but to kick Dicky out of our bedroom quarters because my precious puppies don’t fit on our bed when he’s there.

I would like to wish all you commoners  all of you a mediocre Christmas spent eating WalMart steaks and store-bought stale  pound-cake very Merry Christmas spent with your butt ugly relatives who smell like cheap potpourri from Ocean State Job Lot loved ones.

I look forward to receiving your Christmas cards and letters (don’t bother, I am not even going to open them because your lives are so dreadfully boring) and hearing about the past year’s events.

Dreadfully Fondly,

Annabel Rose (shit, I just broke a nail typing this)

I love Christmas letters but there is always that ONE that belongs in the obnoxious category.  Do you get any obnoxious letters for the holidays?

42 thoughts on “That One Obnoxious Christmas Letter

  1. Sooooo happy you got my Christmas newsletter – I thought they were ALL stuck under the viaduct. I appreciate the fact that you changed my family’s names to protect my privacy.

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  2. We get one of these every holiday season. I anxiously open it, and read aloud to my wife. We laugh until we’re crying as we find it hysterical. Despite the serious “look at us” tone of the letter.

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  3. Luckily, I only get about two of these a year, and don’t mind either. One in particular is written by a lovely English chap, and I look forward to his self-deprecating humor all year. I hope I never meet this family! 😉

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  4. “As I write this we are flying 30,000 ft above (inset the name of mountain range I could not properly identify on map)” This was the opening line of a christmas letter from the wife of the President/Owner of the company my husband worked for many years ago.

    The letter went on to detail their year of pretentious globe trotting as a family.

    It was OBNOXIOUS – especially since commissions had been cut, and none of the employees received salary increases or year end bonuses. Mrs. Fancy Pants lacked social insight. Know your audience!

    Thanks for the giggle & I too, have always said FB is a perpetual holiday letter.

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    1. Hi there FunnySister! That opening line from wifey of President is a WINNER! I would love to respond, “As I read this, I am on the toilet…”. LOL! Nice seeing you here, I’m heading over to your place to check you out! I too have a great and funny sister. 🙂

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    1. Catherine, I’m not sure in what other countries these are written in but definitely US is one of them! I would love to say I am exaggerating but there are some that are actually like that minus the commentaries I added. Funny stuff!

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  5. Haha I am planning to write a Christmas letter of my own and post it on my blog… no one will be envious of my life, I can promise you that! This was hilarious. I’m just a wayward singleton now so no one bothers sending me anything but credit card offers but I remember getting these when I lived at home in high school… my favorites were those that went on and on for several pages. I mean– really?! You think people want to hear all of that?!

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    1. Aussa, I wrote one a couple of years ago and only sent it to select people outlining how horrible our year had been in this kind of format. It was so therapeutic and gave me no choice but to laugh. I can’t wait to read yours! 🙂 🙂

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  6. These letters drive me insane! Especially when I know for a fact that some of them are blithely glossing over very critical information to paint an unnecessarily rosy picture. If we’re close enough that you’re sending me a card, then we’re close enough to cut the BS! Just send me a cute picture of the kids, make some jokes, keep it real, and call it a day.

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  7. We only get a couple of these every year, and they are generally enjoyable. This whole thing could be my Facebook feed, though. (And, I sometimes fear my blog strays into the obnoxious category. I hope not, but I fear it.)

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    1. Andra, there is a huge difference between this type of letter and YOUR words!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are always conscientious and thinking of others when you post anything!! You give US much more than you receive. NO FEAR!

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  8. OMG…this was hilarious. Steve and I receive one of these every year….the perfect family… We “thought” we were pretty happy BEFORE we read it. The one we receive, the wife puts herself in the 3rd person. Very strange!

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  9. I’m a bad person, I throw them in the trash and don’t read them. If someone died I’ll read it in the newspaper and if something juicy happens, it will get passed down the family gossip line. I hate those yearly newsletters more than I hate toothaches, Bo Pelini, and Miley put together.

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    1. Whoa! You must really mean it when you say you hate those yearly newsletters! You would rather have a toothache??? Ha,ha! They are becoming entertainment for me. Who doesn’t need a laugh during the holidays. 🙂

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    1. You are no slacker!!!! It’s a lot of work and cost much $$$$ on stamps alone! I still am crazy enough to send them, every year I say it will be the last year to do Christmas cards but then I brake down and send them – usually more than the previous year. Silly me! I guess I still enjoy doing them.

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  10. This is hilarious, Maria, unfortunately, it could be real. Thankfully, these “my life is better than your life” letters seem to have come to an end at our house, since people don’t write letters anymore. We might get one or two, but nothing like in the past. I agree with KSUJULIE, Facebook is just as obnoxious.

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  11. LOLOL! Love your satire. Fortunately, we only get a couple of Christmas letters and have not yet run into the obnoxious end. I’ve heard about letters like the above, though. It always makes me wonder what those folks put in their coffee. Somehow I don’t think it’s sugar. 😉

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