The Most Beautiful & Talented Family
100 Obnoxious Drive
Bragging, MN 11111
average people Family & Friends,
I hope this letter finds you all happy (actually, I don’t really give a damn how you are), healthy and
with none of those ugly warts and chin hairs many of you had last year filled with joy. What a year it has been for us (because it is all about us)! Where to begin?!
Little Grant graduated from first grade after only three months. He was named valedictorian of his class and won the alphabet writing contest
duh. Because he has the best hand writing in the entire prestigious private school, the Dean has chosen our little Grant to do all the hand writing for the school. We insisted they pay our little nugget $300 per sentence (if they think they are going to take advantage of our gifted heir, they’ve got another thing coming!)
Of course, Grant is even more handsome than he was last year (if that is even possible). Is it me or are children getting uglier and uglier by the minute? We tell precious boy not to get too close to his classmates and send him to school with extra anti-bacterial wipes. UGH! If only he didn’t have to interact with those dirty rug-rats!
Our dahhhhlin’ Elizabeth continues to keep us on our toes! She does not let her father and I get away with anything. She insists on storing all the alcohol in the house in her private wing. She wants to protect us and keep us safe from the awful stuff (I prefer Xanax). What a caring and amazing daughter we have. We most certainly trust our little princess. She does not drink (that’s just Listerine on her breath), does not do drugs (the smoke is from her incense candles) and has never had SEX at the tender age of 18. She would never betray us.
This past summer, Lizzy-poo flew to Africa on her own with no clothes on her back and lived in a remote village where she discovered a pristine water well! Her discovery was responsible for providing drinking water to the entire continent! Oh, Lizzy… Now, she is preparing to move to the White House after the President asked her to bypass college and be his Chief of Staff. Oh my, I haven’t got a thing to wear to the White House!
Dick the 10th and I took our little 150 foot yacht out on the Caribbean Sea for a couple of months but ended up having to cut our trip short because Dick-wad spilled red wine on our $20,000 sofa. I’ve told him a million times not to sit on the sofa, never mind drink wine on it! Instead, we flew to London in our private jet for the day and returned with 8 top of the line English Bulldogs given to us by the Queen. I have had no choice but to kick Dicky out of our bedroom quarters because my precious puppies don’t fit on our bed when he’s there.
I would like to wish
all you commoners all of you a mediocre Christmas spent eating WalMart steaks and store-bought stale pound-cake very Merry Christmas spent with your butt ugly relatives who smell like cheap potpourri from Ocean State Job Lot loved ones.
I look forward to receiving your Christmas cards and letters (don’t bother, I am not even going to open them because your lives are so dreadfully boring) and hearing about the past year’s events.
Annabel Rose (shit, I just broke a nail typing this)
I love Christmas letters but there is always that ONE that belongs in the obnoxious category. Do you get any obnoxious letters for the holidays?