How to Get Your Children to Collect Their Own Specimen – Like in Science Class


Is there anything you would not do for a loved one?  


How about for one of your children?

As an official Mama Bear, I totally get that instinctual reaction one has to protect their young at no cost.

I have always told my children, who are now young adults, that I would DIE for them in a second.  And I believe that just as much now as I did the day I gave birth to them.

I am happy to be at this stage of my mothering and child rearing.  I can sleep in as late as I want, I don’t have to cook all the time, I am no longer a taxi driver AND Mr. Brickhouse (the name I will refer to when speaking of husband from now on) and I get plenty of alone time (assuming all spiders are killed.)

I still love to spoil my big babies and continue to dote over them, especially when they are not feeling well.

Case in point:

One of my children (who will remain nameless) had been feeling ill recently.  So much so, that a trip to the emergency room was in order.

Without hesitation and dropping all the important things I was in the midst of (mostly blogging), we headed over to the ER.  On our way there I spoke to his/her doctor who told me to stop by her office before going to the ER.

My poor baby was in a lot of abdominal pain and I could not stand seeing him/her suffer any longer.

After convincing the doctor that, no, my child was not “just constipated” and that his/her pain was interfering with his/her life, the doctor began her aggressive pursuit of the culprit of this debilitating pain.

After getting some medications and having mass amounts of blood drawn for testing, we headed home.  But not empty-handed.

We were given a lovely happy meal prize souvenir of sorts to enjoy, which needed to be returned within 24 hours.

They call it a “hat”. images

I suppose if you were to turn it upside down and wear it on your head, it could protect you from the burning sun.

But it was raining that day and besides, the instructions specifically said NOT to turn it upside down.

To ease my child’s anxiety, I assured him/her that I would do the collecting.  All he/she had to do was to provide the necessary specimen and that I, being the loving Mama Bear that I am, would take care of the rest! 

“Really mom?  Are you sure?  That is disgusting!”

“Yes dear.  That’s what mom’s do.  I can handle it.”

I was not about to show my very active gagging reflex that had begun the minute we were handed the “hat”.  I would remain strong.

This is where I, for the sake of all Moms and Dads all around the world, engaged in a brilliant case of psychological manipulation.

“You know dear, it’s because I love you so much that I don’t mind doing the collecting.  In fact, I am sure you would do the same for me when I am 106 years old and living at your house with you and your family.” 

And so,


Right on cue!  He/she replied:

“Actually mom, never mind.  I can do it myself.  Don’t you worry, it shouldn’t be too bad.  I wouldn’t want you to get sick and it’s not fair to make you do it.”


And so my friends, the science experiment was completed without Mama Bear having to do a thing.

You are welcome.

ps. Susie Lindau, I hope Justin Bieber does not have to do any “collecting” for his food poisoning. 

25 thoughts on “How to Get Your Children to Collect Their Own Specimen – Like in Science Class

  1. HAHA oh my goodness!! Is it totally disgusting of me to admit that I would probably do the same thing and offer to “get the specimen” and I don’t even have kids?? I’m used to helping family members with things like guess it doesn’t phase me much. HAHA I don’t even know why I just told you that.


  2. This is so weird, my co-worker was just telling me this morning about taking her mother to an appointment with her urologist yesterday and they gave her a hat! I’ve never heard or seen a hat, for a toilet, and today, not only did I hear about it, but you provided the visual to go along with it. I learn so much by reading your posts, Maria! 🙂 I hope he/she is feeling better!


    1. Jill, this is the kind of thing I do for my readers. To think that you wouldn’t have gotten a ‘visual’ of a ‘hat’ had you not read my post is….scary! I aim to educate. Things often come in threes, I wonder what your third “specimen” experience will be? Hmmmm.

      I do hope he/she feels better soon also. It’s tough to see a loved one in pain. 😦


  3. My first thought for the collector was a cute pilgrim’s hat you could wear on thanksgiving day…while making dinner. You know as Mom’s I know most do these things instinctively. What can really be worse than some of those diapers you cleaned up 15-20 years ago? Nothing. Still I have to hand it to you Ms. Freud, that was pretty clever. Nice work!


      1. oh no, please don’t wear that in the kitchen if it has been used! It will get warm and the smell and then the’ll lose a lot of appetites. Oh and heaven forbid if the Sangria gets broke out while the hat is still out That would be another whole post by itself! :-p


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