Why My Husband is Getting Lucky Tonight

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On my way out to dinner to meet some friends last night, as I opened the coat closet to get my coat…this monstrous disgusting big-headed gargantula stared back at me.

I nearly died of cardiac arrest right there and then.

Somehow, I had the wherewithal to take a picture of it – as my hands shook.  

Then, finding myself completely alone because my usual spider killer was out (that damn husband), I knew I had to be the one to end its creepy life.

I grabbed my daughter’s sneaker (no way in hell I was going to use one of my shoes) and hit the **cker with all my might.  Or so I thought.

When I looked under the sneaker, there were no guts, squished legs or trace of this barbarian.  Nothing on the floor either.

Mother of God,

Where did it go?

My friend freaked me out more by pointing out that the oval looking sack could be baby spider eggs and that they would soon hatch.

Mother of God,

Where did it go?

Needless to say, I could not sleep last night knowing this creature would be on a mission to find me and punish me for attempting to end her life as well as that her offspring.

I immediately thought about my blogging friend Darla from, “She’s a Maineiac”

http://shesamaineiac.com/2013/10/05/death-becomes-him/

She hates spiders more than me which seems absolutely impossible.  She is known to chase them with her husband’s size 13 Shaquille O’Neal sneaker and wildly slamming the clown-sized shoe until the spider is 100 times dead.  I love how she usually yells “Gah! (short for, prepare to die, asshole) at the top of her lungs to aid her while committing this crime of passion.  You have got to read her hilarious post above.

That’s probably where I went wrong.  I used my daughter’s size 8 sneaker and did not yell GAH as I slammed the sneaker down.

This morning I informed my husband that I would be moving out.  Feeling a bit worried that this would mean no dinner tonight, he vowed to find the blood sucking pregnant beast.

He took every single item out of the closet and shook it out.  He forced me to stay nearby in the event the spider ran out of the closet and into the living room.  I wanted to kill him  myself right there and then.

After all the investigating, shaking and vacuuming netted zero results, he looked in one last place near the winter gloves.  Suddenly, he commanded me to hand him some tissues (a lot of them).

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GAH! GAH! GAH!  He got her!

Have I mentioned how handsome, strong and sexy my husband is?  Especially when he holds dead spiders?

After realizing what this feat meant for him tonight, he grinned and completely ignored me when I asked him, “What if there are more of them in the closet?”

33 thoughts on “Why My Husband is Getting Lucky Tonight

  1. That spider is much bigger than the ones I have at home. I would have shrieked and run for the hills. But I keep some bug spray handy to at least stun the spiders that dare to lurk near my computer.

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    1. Oh Darla! I cannot tell you how much I wished you were here with me when I spotted it. I know if we had teamed up, she wouldn’t have had a chance! I literally was laughing remembering your post and wanting to yell out GAH! Although we had a “fun” night last night, I do wish he wore a size 13 Shaquille sneaker! 🙂

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  2. My wife and daughter hate spiders as much as you do. I routinely have to kill the smallest critters while I watch them cringe in horror. It’s quite a phobia for them!

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    1. You must be a very lucky man, Joe! 🙂 I don’t mind the little ones but this one…had to go to the “other side” for SURE! The way it stared and smirked at me was beyond creepy. Nice to see you here. 🙂

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  3. I hear ya about spiders. We have a device that looks like a tennis raquet, but the strings are wires that electrocute bugs with the push of a button. I love that thing more than life itself, for killing spiders. Your husband is a true hero.

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    1. Oh my gosh! We have one of those racquets but we thought they were only for flying objects. I suppose I could have run to our basement to grab it and then zapped it. NEXT TIME! I need to keep that racquet near me at all times. Thanks for the tip! 🙂

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  4. Delightfully evil. Though as an avid anti-killer of anything but cockroaches and potato bugs, I don’t understand the fear of spiders. I always figure I’m much more frightening to a tiny spider with a size 8 shoe in my hand. No wonder she ran and hid among the gloves. (Though, spider lover or not, it’s good not to have a black widow in your house.)

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    1. I do feel bad about killing these creatures but did you see that MONSTER???? She was brown and gross and big and evil and prepared to jump on me and suck me dry! She had to go, it was either her or me. 🙂

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    1. Jill, I would be dead right now if I had witnessed that. I was so freaked out by this one. I don’t mind little black spiders that appear on my ceiling here and there but this one was brown and fat! I never loved my husband more than I did yesterday! ps. I think he loves me a little more this morning too. 🙂

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      1. You should, but I have a feeling he already knows; your awesome shines through bright just reading your words, he is lucky enough to have you in person 😉 we just get better and better with age my sweet chardonnay ;-D (I know nothing about wine but you get the point) xox

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