My Daughter Kills

Do you know what it is like to watch your beautiful 17-year-old daughter (who has a promising future ahead of her) Kill?  

Not once, not twice, but 11 times – in one day?

They say it was self-defense, but I don’t buy it.  I know It was pre-meditated and definitely intentional.  I have watched her practice.  I saw that killer look in her eyes.  She was out for blood and she loved every.single. minute.of.it.

As if that was not enough for a parent to bear, we had to watch her dig – 14 times!  Right there, in front of hundreds of people.  She had no shame.

We played the blame game with each other (my husband and I.)  Who does she take after?  Had either of us killed before, without ever admitting to it?  Were we to blame for her behavior?

We have evidence pictures of her committing these heinous acts:

Here she is...with a killer kill.

Here she is…with a killer kill (a spike that is not returned by the other team, leading to a point)

More Kills

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Here she is digging (a pass of a hard-driven ball from the other team):   

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One thing is for sure, I am proud of my little killer.
Good game last night, “Kit Cat Bar”!
Photographs taken by: Rusty Rowell

Brickhousechick Gets Arrested

{Week Two of Play-at-Home, http://blogger-idol.com/2013/10/07/week-two-play-at-home-did-you-commit-a-crime/ exercise. Write a newspaper article about a fictional crime you have committed.  At least 500 words, in the third person with two images.}  

My Crime:

123RF

123RF

A 50-year old woman known to many as Brickhousechick, was arrested for breaking and entering and disorderly conduct at the infamous Boehner‘s Hardware Store, located at -0 Congress Avenue, last evening.

At 11:53 pm, police were called to Boehner’s with a report of a woman seen running around inside the store, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with 50 sledgehammers.  When the police arrived at the scene, Brickhousechick was sitting in the wheelbarrow on top of the sledgehammers, licking them – one by one.

Officer Very Hairy Reid, cautiously approached the woman who then fled and hid behind the toilet plungers, while hugging two sledgehammers she managed to grab from the wheelbarrow. Reid immediately radioed in for back-up.

Brickhousechick, was reported to appear very afraid.  She knew that what she had done was wrong but could not control the urge to lick those hammers, not unlike what she had seen her idol, Myley Wreck Ball do, on TV.

Rookie Officer Cruz soon joined officer Reid at the toilet plunger aisle.  Officer Reid looked at Cruz and asked him what on earth he was holding in his hand besides his handgun.  Cruz smiled broadly and showed Reid his copy of Green Eggs and Ham.  He explained to Reid that reading the book to Brickhousechick would make her happy, therefore encouraging her to surrender.

Reid called Cruz an anarchist but then told him to go ahead and read the book to Brickhousechick. Cruz began reading,  “Do you like hammers and ham?  I do not like them, Cruz I am.  I would not like them in a house, I do not like them with a mouse.  I would not eat them with a fox or in a box, so come the hell out of there lady and give me the damn hammers.”

Feeling a tad intimidated by Cruz and having a sudden urge to drink tea, Brickhousechick gave up one of the hammers.  Officer Reid called her “crazies” and demanded sledgehammer number two.  Brickhousechick then began to undress and stick her tongue out. She asked to speak to her attorney, Robin Thicke, Esq. at once!

She offered the officers a deal.   She would give up the last hammer, if and only if, they provided her with a giant foam finger.

Reid and Cruz were perplexed.  First of all, why would she need a foam finger and secondly, where would they find one at this ungodly hour?  That’s when Cruz remembered the party he had recently attended at Captain Pelosi’s house the previous weekend and said, “Let’s call Captain Pelosi, she has a ton of these in her bedroom”.  Officer Reid blushed but picked up his radio and called the Captain.

dreamstime.com

dreamstime.com

Captain Pelosi was busy showing Robin Thicke, Esq. her room, but decided to answer the call.  “I am sending Thicke right over with my biggest foam finger”, said the Captain.

After 6 tense hours of negotiations, the police were able to trade the biggest foam finger they had ever seen in their lives, for the sledgehammer at which point the dangerous criminal, was subdued.

Brickhousechick was soon arraigned at the Supreme Court and bail was set at 800,000 furloughed federal employees, pending her trial.

Are you still eating?

Extended-Stay

ARE YOU STILL EATING?

 ARE. YOU. STILL. EATING?

R U STILL EATIN’? xo

are yOu sTiLL eAtiNG? 🙂

Todavía estás comiendo?

Vous êtes entrain de manger?

 No matter how you say it, be it with smiley faces, xo’s or a different language, ARE YOU STILL EATING, is NEVER a good question.  

Especially, if you are the husband of the recipient of that question.

Someone is sleeping out in the cold rain this evening.

*Image: empowernetwork.com

 

Why you should NEVER vacation with my husband

dep_10017540-Closed-Sign

The information below has not been altered or recreated and is in fact representative of real life situations experienced by my husband, while vacationing:

We are sorry, this historical monument is CLOSED during renovations.  

Due to a Hurricane 10 years ago, the Rain Forest is  CLOSED.

This natural popular attraction consisting of 220 rare limestone underground caves carved out hundreds of years ago by Taino Indians, which takes 2 hours of curvy roads to get to, is CLOSED for no apparent reason – even though our sign says that we are open 7 days a week from 8 am to 8 pm.

Due to the high rate of crime, you cannot walk around, explore, rent a car or visit any sites around this beautiful vacation destination.

This pristine and natural undeveloped beach is temporarily CLOSED while being torn apart by bulldozers and excavators hired by Hyatt.

Our breathtaking and naturally preserved open space is not open to the public because a huge mall is being built on the premises.

Due to the monsoon predicted on this Mexican Island – that  you are visiting for the first time – we advise that you not rent a mo-ped or…drink the water.

We regret to inform you that our famous coral reefs will not be visible to our tourists because of the ocean pollution consisting of oil slicks, pesticides, garbage, sewage and soil that has settled in the reefs and blocked the sunlight, not only making it impossible to see, but actually killing the corals.  Had you visited this natural wonder earlier in your life, you may have been able to enjoy it.

 And his luck continues:

Even though you have been waiting for 50 years to visit our beautiful State and attractions( California), and are finally getting time off from your very busy work schedule with your sexy recently turned 50-year old wife to visit us, and not to mention the fact that you love historic attractions and earth’s natural wonders AND will be here in a few weeks…

We definitely regret to inform you that due to the inadequacies and idiosyncrasies of our government and the fact that it will most likely NOT be resolved by the time you arrive,

ALL NATIONAL PARKS that you have been chomping at the bits to visit, WILL BE CLOSED.