The information below has not been altered or recreated and is in fact representative of real life situations experienced by my husband, while vacationing:

We are sorry, this historical monument is CLOSED during renovations.  

Due to a Hurricane 10 years ago, the Rain Forest is  CLOSED.

This natural popular attraction consisting of 220 rare limestone underground caves carved out hundreds of years ago by Taino Indians, which takes 2 hours of curvy roads to get to, is CLOSED for no apparent reason – even though our sign says that we are open 7 days a week from 8 am to 8 pm.

Due to the high rate of crime, you cannot walk around, explore, rent a car or visit any sites around this beautiful vacation destination.

This pristine and natural undeveloped beach is temporarily CLOSED while being torn apart by bulldozers and excavators hired by Hyatt.

Our breathtaking and naturally preserved open space is not open to the public because a huge mall is being built on the premises.

Due to the monsoon predicted on this Mexican Island – that  you are visiting for the first time – we advise that you not rent a mo-ped or…drink the water.

We regret to inform you that our famous coral reefs will not be visible to our tourists because of the ocean pollution consisting of oil slicks, pesticides, garbage, sewage and soil that has settled in the reefs and blocked the sunlight, not only making it impossible to see, but actually killing the corals.  Had you visited this natural wonder earlier in your life, you may have been able to enjoy it.

 And his luck continues:

Even though you have been waiting for 50 years to visit our beautiful State and attractions( California), and are finally getting time off from your very busy work schedule with your sexy recently turned 50-year old wife to visit us, and not to mention the fact that you love historic attractions and earth’s natural wonders AND will be here in a few weeks…

We definitely regret to inform you that due to the inadequacies and idiosyncrasies of our government and the fact that it will most likely NOT be resolved by the time you arrive,

ALL NATIONAL PARKS that you have been chomping at the bits to visit, WILL BE CLOSED.