How to Tame Your Wild Wife – Especially on Halloween

courtesy of 123RF

courtesy of 123RF

When you are a conservative man who ends up marrying a wild woman, it can be challenging.  The best case scenario is that you will even each other out and meet somewhere in the middle.

 It helps if you have a strong and solid relationship to begin with.  And, that your love is stronger than the two of you combined.

I have a friend of a friend who is that wild wife.  She wanted me to come up with a list of suggestions for husbands of other wild wives on how to handle someone like me her.

Since I am a very good friend to her, here it is:

1.  If she is a bit spicy, saucy and wild before you marry her, don’t think you can change her.  I she will continue to be that way throughout your marriage.

2.  She will remain loyal to you and never stray but will still get a kick out of instigating and innocently teasing.   She still enjoys the game but from a safe distance.

3.  Although you don’t need to carry a fire extinguisher per say,  when you are out with her, don’t think she is not going to try to play with fire.  She is a pyro that way and loves to get close enough to the flames but wants you to quickly rescue her from getting burned.

4.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT keep her caged in the house.  Take her dancing all the time and let her feel the freedom of getting lost in the music. Freedom (or at least the illusion of it) is key.

5.  Step up your game to meet up with her game and let your inner wild child come out.   You will not be sorry (says my friend).

6.  Embrace who she is, be thankful that she loves to take risks and have fun in life.

The final and most useful suggestion:

7.  Dress like prisoners for Halloween and buy a good pair of handcuffs with a 12 inch chain (for some space) and handcuff yourself to her before arriving at the wild Halloween Party.  This will allow her to roam and mingle with you close by.  If you have to use the facilities at the party, handcuff her to one of her good friends that can keep an eye on her while you do your business.

In fact, keep the handcuffs and use them all the time.

She will thank you for keeping her safe while still having a wild time.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

12 inch chain

12 inch chain

“He said the oil is leaking from the exhaust pipe and that the thingamabob on the valve has to be adjusted.”

courtesy of morguefile

courtesy of morguefile

I do not mind dropping our cars off with our mechanic or waiting in line at the inspection station (a couple of days after my sticker expires) to get the cars inspected.  I will even withstand Jiffy Lube pushing all of the unnecessary extra services on me when all I want is an oil change.

But please.

Do not make me listen to the mechanic explain in detail what is wrong with the car and what he proposes to do to fix it.

It is a complete waste of his exhaust-smelling breath (though a real nice guy) and my overloaded 50-year old brain.

My brain was capable of storing the two languages I speak fluently, as a youngster.  My left hemisphere even allowed me to understand many of the other romance languages.

Mechanics however, ain’t happening.

He lost me at hello.

The minute he begins to explain his findings and recommendations, the lights in my brain go out.  It is an instant power outage.  A transformer explosion of sorts.

I just see lips moving and hear a garbled hum coming out of his mouth.  Yada..yada…yada.

I have explained this to my husband but with his very busy schedule, the task usually falls on my lap.  To make matters worse, I have to take the information I just “learned” and recap it quickly for my husband between his meetings.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!!

This is usually how it goes;

“Well, he said something about oil leaking from the exhaust pipe or was it a gasket?  He also mentioned that the valves haven’t been adjusted since 60,000 miles ago and that non-adjusted valves will be the death of our 1999 Honda CRV (that I keep begging you to get rid of),  if we don’t adjust them.  Oh, and he has to replace some little switch on the thing-a majiggy but he has to do it on a cold engine.  He also added that the noise you hear is due to some damaged connecting-rod doohickey banging together and that he is getting a used gizmo to replace our existing thingamabob.  He also said the car won’t be ready today and that he can give us a break and only charge us $3,650.”

To which my husband responds,

“Why do we have to adjust the valves?  I swear we did that in 2012.  Are you sure that’s what he said?  What did he say about the transmission drain plug and chunks of metal that are falling out?  How much is that going to cost?”

Well, my dear husband and trust-worthy mechanic,  I have no idea what either of you are talking about – nor do I care (I just want a car that can take me to the mall and out to eat.)

Don’t make me be your middle man. I guarantee you, all something will be lost in translation.

Today, when the mechanic called, I tried really hard to listen.  I even had a pen and paper and jotted words down as he rapidly went through all the jargon.  I swore to myself that I would not behave like a mechanically challenged woman.  

After he finished with his yada,yada,yada, I asked him to repeat everything he had just said.  

*cricket…cricket…*

After a very long pause and a hearty inhalation of his own breath, he began to spew out the same information.  I tried to jot things down again with the hopes that I would catch what I had missed the first time. “Yup, yup.  I see.  Right. Of course, I understand.  Yes, I agree.  That’s exactly what I thought our car needed.”

Tomorrow, I will be receiving another call with the final recap of the work that will be done on the car.  

Kill me now.

Big Sur, Gourmet Fluff, Broken Toes, Quacking &Squeezed Nipples

WordPress Issues – Apologies for reblog

brickhousechick

(Final post of three of my California trip. See post #1 here and #2 here)

When my mother and her husband go out to eat, which is often, they like to dine at the finest restaurants.  And why not?  They worked hard all their lives and are now enjoying their mid 70’s.  This trip, was no exception.  They set out to treat us to the best restaurants in Monterey and Carmel.

No, Friendly’s & Applebees are not on their list!  Needless to say,  I have gained another 15 pounds making a total of 25 pounds since I turned 50!  Or so my clothes say…

Going Gluten-Free went right down the drain and into the Pacific Ocean.

From Caviar

To Killer Oysters20131018_135933_resized

To Warm Chocolate Cake with Pumpkin Ice Cream & Gourmet Fluff20131018_145809_resized

Ahhh…heavenly!

To top it all, they never allow us to pay.  One day my husband had to…

View original post 784 more words

Big Sur, Gourmet Fluff, Broken Toes, Quacking &Squeezed Nipples

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Pumpkin Seed Encrusted Salmon

(Final post of three of my California trip. See post #1 here and #2 here)

When my mother and her husband go out to eat, which is often, they like to dine at the finest restaurants.  And why not?  They worked hard all their lives and are now enjoying their mid 70’s.  This trip, was no exception.  They set out to treat us to the best restaurants in Monterey and Carmel.

No, Friendly’s & Applebees are not on their list!  Needless to say,  I have gained another 15 pounds making a total of 25 pounds since I turned 50!  Or so my clothes say…

Going Gluten-Free went right down the drain and into the Pacific Ocean.

From Caviar

Ok, so it wasn't very filling, but beautiful.

Ok, so it wasn’t very filling, but beautiful.

To Killer Oysters20131018_135933_resized

To Warm Chocolate Cake with Pumpkin Ice Cream & Gourmet Fluff20131018_145809_resized

Ahhh…heavenly!

To top it all, they never allow us to pay.  One day my husband had to sneak away from the table and secretly pay the bill. SCORE!

Let’s talk El Sur Grande, shall we? You hear magnificent things about Big Sur, but seeing it first hand is surreal.  90 miles of coastline and breathtaking views.  It looks fake after a while and you cannot believe it is that picturesque.photo-592 photo-5851294300_10201069239188055_1342308749_o

Another day, my husband, older brother and I decided to drive (2 hours from Monterey) to San Francisco for the day.  We left early in the morning so we could see as much as we could before dark.

We were deterred by a little incident.

After coming out of the shower and going to my room, I walked straight into a leg of a chair.  Just like that.  We are talking, major STUB.

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, Rheumatoid Arthritis has had it in for my feet from day one.  I have had several surgeries to correct the deformities and a couple of other broken toes.  Meaning, I am not a foot model.

After some choice words, I had to take the freshly broken little toe and bend it back to its original place.  Jesus. Mary & Joseph…it hurt!

photo 5-1

Well, you can’t expect every picture to be breathtaking!

Being the stubborn brickhouse that I am, I ignored the black & blue rapidly forming on my foot and got ready for San Francisco. The pain was so excruciating that my toe actually felt numb.

I have my broken toe to thank for our next adventure.  I have difficulty walking distances when I don’t have any broken toes, never mind touring Fisherman’s Wharf by foot with my little very broken piggy toe, thus:

QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

You got it!  I forced my husband and brother to board a Duck Boat with me to tour from land as well as from the  water.  What a perfect way to see the city.

The free duck whistles they gave us were not enough to placate my husband and brother with Captain Crunch (as he identified himself) behind the wheel.  20131020_112814I on the other hand, joined my fellow tourists in the quacking action, ensuring that tourists walking the streets would look our way and basically laugh in our faces.20131020_114920As if that was not bad enough, when Captain Crunch asked for volunteers to drive the boat on the water, guess who raised her hand?

Sporting my mom's duck yellow jacket - how appropie

Sporting my mom’s duck yellow jacket – how fitting

I worked up quite the appetite from all that quacking so we decided to visit the Little Italy section of San Francisco for some good pizza.  Tony’s Pizza Napoletana, it was!  And it lived up to its reputation with its many choices of crusts and toppings.20131020_150333

But the reviews did not warn us about...Nipple Squeezing that apparently goes on at Tony’s.

Thankfully or regretfully (I cannot decide which one), it was not my nipples that got squeezed.  They were the nipples belonging to my older brother-that got the action.

It turns out that the couple sitting at the bar while my brother was ordering drinks was mighty friendly.  The 30-something locals who had been married for ten years, stroke up a conversation with my brother right away.

After much chit-chat,  the woman reached out and squeezed my brother’s nipples.  She claimed that they were simply too irresistible (who does that?).  After feeling violated (for a second), my brother decided to take revenge and squeeze her nipples.  At which point her husband laughed.

Being faced with the decision to return to our table and continue to dine with us or stay around to see what ensued next at the bar, he chose to “swing” his way back to us and tell us of this blatant attack.

My husband got very quiet…perhaps coming down with a bad case of envy that it had not been him at the bar.  But most likely, he was quiet because he was thinking of how beautiful his own wife is and how lucky he is to have me her?

We ended our visit to San Francisco viewing The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz and having a night-cap at a bar by the water.

I did manage to escape from Alcatraz

I did manage to escape from Alcatraz

The flight back home was much shorter than the way there since we only had two connections instead of 20.  Once again, we got to sit right behind first class where only a short curtain with a gap in the middle separated us.

Our view of first class

Our view of First Class

The First Class menu we did not partake in

The First Class menu we did not partake in

*A big shout out to Bitter Ben

http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/2013/10/27/if-you-missed-bitterness-this-week-your-aim-was-a-little-off/

 who bitterly helped this Twitter Virgin with her new Twitter account and is my first (and only) twitter follower!  Please join Bitter Ben and follow me

and make sure to also follow him 

so he doesn’t get bitter with me!

Military Bases, Sea Lions, Pebble Beach, Orgasmic Sunsets, Pink Striped Undies and Dirty Old Men

(Second of three posts of my California Trip. To see first post click here.)

Once we arrived in Monterey after traveling for what felt like 127 hours, all was calm.  We had never seen my mother and her husband’s home in Monterey since they wed three years ago.  They spend half of the year in Puerto Rico and the other half in Monterey.

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The next morning we wasted no time getting out to tour the area.  My mother’s husband was a wonderful tour guide.  He is a retired air force and army engineer who went on two tours to Vietnam. He took us around to Fort Ord, a Us Army post where he was stationed during his youth.  

He also took us to the site of the Navy Postgraduate School in Monterey which used to be one of the finest luxury hotels in California.  The grounds and buildings of this old Hotel Del Monte , whose guests including Theodore Roosevelt and Ernest Hemingway, are gorgeous

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We then headed to Monterey Bay to gawk at the lovable and noisy sea lions.

"What are you looking at?"

“What are you looking at?”

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The tour continued through Pebble Beach‘s 17 Mile Drive.  We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful week weather-wise.

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Our hungry bellies led us straight to Roy’s Hawaiian Fusion Restaurant in Pebble Beach.

20131016_135917_resizedNeed I say more?

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A delicious Bento Box arrangement!

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Need I say more about Roy’s?

We ended this marvelous day at the Hyatt Carmel Highlands to watch the most orgasmic sun set ever, while sipping on wine and eating olives (and then smoking a cigarette – just kidding.)

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My husband who is a biologist, avid birder and  Environmental Planner, tends to look at life through… magnifying lenses.

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These are no beer goggles…

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Pelicans

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He had to look down to see this tarantula

He had to look down to see this creature

In addition to Condors as well as other Western Birds,  he was hoping to spot a Mountain Lion.  He headed out early one morning on a solo trip to see what he could find.

photo-567

As he hiked through farm land, this sign above made him cautiously excited that he may indeed encounter a Mountain Lion but he was beginning to regret exploring on his own.

Feeling the heat of the late morning, he began to shed his layers of clothing as he hiked along.  He took off a second layer and suddenly saw a very bright pink object (sorry, no picture) which had clung to his shirt, fall on the ground.  

O.M.G.  It was one of our daughter’s pink stiped undies!  Fresh out of the dryer prior to leaving for our trip.  He immediately put it in his pant pocket, looked around to make sure nobody was looking and felt relieved to find himself,  all alone.

It was finally time to go on a search of my own to find, Clint!  We headed to one of the most popular piano bars at the Mission Ranch Hotel and Restaurant  (bought by Clint Eastwood when he learned it would be developed) for after dinner drinks.

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I walked in the door and looked straight at the piano to see if Clint happened to be playing but…(although probably the same age as Clint,) THIS was NO Clint:

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We stayed for a couple of hours and were treated to the talented fingers of Russian pianist, Gennady Loktionov who was the special music arranger for Clint’s movie, Million Dollar Baby.

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Here he is playing his magic…but where’s Clint?

This place is crazy! A sort of meat market if you will,  for 60+ locals who like to go on Thursday nights. Anybody who wants can go up and sing along with Gennady – and that they did!

Sitting in the back, I could not see the bar action very well so I decided to sit up at the bar where there was only one seat open at the time.  My husband and parents stayed behind at our table.

As I sang along to Piano Man, I noticed Gennady ogling over my way as he played along.  My mom then came up to the bar to alert me of this which she could see from the table in the back.  I smiled and kept singing along.

Now, my husband is used to seeing turkey vultures while out on his adventures but these 60+ human male vultures, immediately came in for the kill!  I was surrounded by a couple of them circling above me who assumed I was alone.

Then came Gus.  Poor Gus.  He had definitely been there all night (according to other women who warned me that he was out for the hunt) and his 70-year-old body was not cooperating.  He swooped right in, put his hand on my back and asked me if I had been there all night.  I smiled once again and said, “Yes, and so has my husband over there.”

At this point my husband came to my rescue and we watched Gus and the others make their rounds looking for fresh meat.

I reminded my husband that had that been Clint, I would have allowed him to touch my back and do whatever he wanted to do to me.

Although, have you people seen Scott Eastwood?  

courtesy of Getty images

courtesy of Getty images

He resembles his father and is rumored to play Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

I might have to choose Scott over Clint.

*Stay tuned for post #3 where I tell you about road runners, squeezed nipples and broken toes.*

But hey…at least our tickets were free

google.com

google.com

After 50 years of flying, we finally managed to accumulate enough miles to fly for free.  My husband and I decided on California since my mother recently moved there with her husband.  We even had left-over miles to cover our car rental minus ($60)we were short.

How cool is that?  Pretty cool except that free tickets often mean flying all over the country before reaching your destination.  Our itinerary was to fly from Boston to Miami (really?) to LAX to Monterey.  But hey…at least our tickets were free.

We got up at 3:45 that morning, drove 1.5 hours east to the bus terminal ($44 round trip bus fare & $60 weekly parking fee) and rode the bus for 45 minutes to the airport.  But hey…at least our tickets were free.

The airline we were flying is not one of the ones that lets you check in the first bag for free. Nope. ($50 for two bags).

While planning our trip, since –But hey…at least our tickets were free, I decided to splurge a bit and get a one day pass to all the Admiral Clubs ($99) at the 200 airports we would be stopping at.  After all, what would we do during all those lay over hours?

Let me tell you, I am never waiting at a regular gate again!  They had huge comfy chairs, complimentary drinks of the alcohol variety, immaculate bathrooms with FREE feminine products and mouthwash. Hello?  Except that the food was not free and we had a ($40) lunch.  But hey…at least our tickets were free.

When I travel, I always ask for wheelchair services (it‘s one of the  perks of having RA) because it is exhausting to walk through airports.  They wheel me to ticket counters, Admiral Clubs, gates and I get to board first.  My hubby is always right there carrying all the heavy carry-ons…wishing he could sit on my lap.  This time due to the many connections, he dished out about ($25) in tips to all my friendly wheelchair pushers.  But hey…at least our tickets were free.

Our seats were the first ones behind first class.  Lot’s of leg room to stretch my joints but within viewing, hearing and smelling distance to the royal treatment of the one percent in this country, chewing their filet mignons and sipping their champagne.  Never mind that I was freezing but no blankets were available to us commoners.  But hey…at least our tickets were free.

After landing at our final destination at 1:00 am our time, we picked up our rental car but not before dishing out an additional ($70) in special insurance which covers the cost of loss revenue to the rental company in the event that we crash the car and they can’t rent it while being repaired. Really?

In conclusion, we hadn’t even arrived at my mom’s house and we had already spent ($400).

But hey…at least our tickets were free.

Stay tuned for more adventures including me getting “picked up” while at The Mission Ranch.

Go Ahead Clint, Make My Day

fineartamerica.com

fineartamerica.com

I am headed your way, Dirty Harry.

What are my chances of seeing you?

I know you are 83 years young and still quite the Stud.  I just turned 50 and although I have celebrated ’till the cows came home and back and then home again,  the celebration continues.

This time my husband and I are celebrating both our 50ths (his was last year) and are taking a trip out your way! We leave tomorrow for the week.

I have been in your neck of the woods before, back in 1985. I ate at your old place, Hog’s Breath in Carmel when you were Mayor– but did not bump into you.

It is now 2013 and your life is somewhat of a mess.  I know Dina didn’t behave very well and that reality show was too much for you, but now you are dating the wife of the man Dina is dating?  What’s up with that?

Even though you endorsed Romney for President – I forgave you and still want to see you.  I actually have a couple of favors to ask of you.

Do you think you could show up at the place you own,  Mission Ranch in Carmel this coming Thursday?  A little birdie (my mom) told me that you frequent the Ranch and have been known to play the piano for the crowd.  She has enjoyed hearing you play.  Can you re-arrange your schedule? Yes?  Great, see you there!

The other favor is, could you contact your buddies in Congress and encourage them to re-open the government (maybe you could use the chair trick again?)  We really want to visit a few National Parks while in Monterey and well, our timing stinks.  You surely must have some pull.

poynter.org

poynter.org

I know you are busy with your new love interest and new project directing your version of Jersey Boys in LA, but you need a break.  You need to hang out back up North where I will be.

I am staying with my mom and her wonderful husband right in Monterey and dining and hiking (my husband will do the hiking and me the dining) the Big Sur and in San Francisco.

You being there would just simply, Make My Day.