50 things I will NOT do on my 50th


50 Things I will NOT do on my 50th:

1.  I will not – NOT cry 

2.  I will not clean

3.  I will not do laundry

4.  I will not make my bed

5.  I will not go running (on that day or ever)

6.  I will not diet

7.  I will not pick up the socks from the floor

8.  I will not – NOT be happy 

9.  I will not feed the children

10.  I will not feed the husband

11.  I will not feed anyone

12.  I will not – NOT embarrass my children 

13.  I will not fake a smile

14.  I will not wear deodorant 

15. I will not put the cap back on the toothpaste tube  

16.  I will most certainly not replace the toilet paper

17. I will not flush

18.  I will not stop humming

19.  I will not wear a bra

20.  I will not get dressed

21.  I will not pay the bills

22.  I will not paint my own nails

23.  I will not stop watching reality tv

24.  I will not cut my carbs –damn it

25.  I will not use PAM instead of butter

26.  I will not hold my gut in

27.  I will not let my vagus nerve control me

28.  I will not use tonic in my gin and tonic

29.  I will not delicately sip my wine

30.  I will not wipe the wet floor after my shower -(if I shower…)

31.  I will not get off the computer

32.  I will not fill the ice tray- again

33.  I will not floss

34.  I will not take my meds

35.  I will not stop dancing

36.  I will not sing in tune

37.  I will not give back rubs

38.  I will not water the dying plant

39.  I will not use a glass when drinking milk

40.  I will not have RA

41.  I will not stop shaking my leg uncontrollably because it annoys my husband.

42.  I will not share the covers

43.  I will not – NOT be first in everything

44.  I will not turn down my cell phone ring tone

45.  I will not flatten my hair

46.  I will not stop eating

47.  I will not stop drooling

48.  I will not stop saying, What?

49.  I will not twerk (on that day only)

50.  I will not feed Ron the fish 


About a boy and a fish


Long, long ago there lived a very inquisitive little boy who loved his family.  He was a sensitive lad and a silly one at that.

He loved dirt, trees, butterflies and all bodies of water.  Outside, was where he preferred to be, whenever possible.  He played sports in school but was distracted by the bugs, birds and butterflies that got in his way while trying to concentrate on the games.

His family was known in town for loving the game of baseball and living it night and day.  He followed his cousin’s footsteps and became a pretty good pitcher and hitter although not to the degree that his eldest cousin did.

The problem was, that this young boy did not feel the passion that he was expected to have for the game.  He tried, but baseball was simply, not for him.

Where the passion flourished was on the water, with his rod and reel.  He became an avid angler at a very young age after his father introduced him to the sport.  Now, he was old enough that he did not need his dad to take him.  He could, not only go by himself, but he had surpassed his father in skill.


Fishing became his life.  He dreamed about it.  He read books, manuals and articles about it.  He watched it on TV between his homework assignments and spoke only of fishing.

His family became concerned.  They were thrilled that their now high school aged son had a drive and a passion for something so pure and innocent, particularly when his peers were experimenting with not so pure activities.

But you see, fishing became his all.  Rather than going out with his friends, he chose fishing.  Instead of going on dates, he chose fishing.  He chose fishing during the summer, fall, winter and spring.  After all, ice fishing had its thrill as well as its chill.


On a cold December day, he asked his parents if he could skip school the next day to fish with a friend.  His parents, as you can imagine, could not believe he had the nerve to ask for such permission and in a synchronized fashion yelled, NO!

Being the smart and clever teen that he was, he convinced his parents that he did not need to go to school the next day because he was finished with his finals and had no classes and 3 study halls.  His parents reluctantly caved and allowed him to go.

On that now famous and frigid day, while playing hooky from school, this young angler hooked himself a World Record catch.   He knew it was special as he tried to reel it in through the ice hole.  It was fat and it was heavy.

“Holly Crap!”  It was the biggest Crappie he had ever seen.  His frozen mouth grinned from ear to ear as he looked at this monster of a fish.

After taking pictures, releasing it back into the frozen waters and getting it verified by an official fish weighing individual, he sent the picture and stats to the Gods at the Fishing Hall of Fame.

The official letter arrived weeks after, confirming that he indeed had a world record fish and was now inducted to the Fishing Hall of Fame.


This was too much for this young man to handle.  That he could score a world record while skipping school, was beyond his wildest dreams.  He sent the picture to a place that mounts fish and had a replica mounted for his room.


This young record holder’s passion and love for the sport was now magnified and even stronger than before.  So strong in fact, that he applied to colleges based mostly on the strength of their fishing teams or clubs.

What, say you?  Yes, he and his family learned that there are many colleges in the country that have fishing teams/clubs that compete in tournaments for real money for the college and travel all over the country.  They fish for Bass in fresh waters.


{Yes, it is true.  Who knew? I bet not you.  Until now.}

This young man is now in his second year of college.  He is well-adjusted, has plenty of friends and will be competing in his first official college tournament this September, in Maryland.   This, after paying his dues as a freshman and sitting on the bench dock, for most of the year.

So you see, the boy learned a very important lesson that day.  Follow your passion no matter what other’s say – even if it means you might have to break the rules.

MyCCA.net News 

Colleges For Students Who Like To Fish


Advising a student who likes to fish? Let them know that going to college doesn’t necessarily mean giving up fishing. A number of colleges have fishing teams or fishing clubs which compete at the regional and national level. This weekend, Ryan Patterson of Kansas State took home a $100,000 prize in theBass Fishing National Guard FLW College Fishing Championship in South Carolina.

Here’s a starter list of colleges and universities that have fishing teams or fishing clubs to share with your angler students:

  • Auburn University
  • California State University Sacramento
  • Chico State University
  • Christopher Newport
  • Clemson University
  • Eastern Kentucky University
  • Fresno State University
  • Georgetown College
  • Georgia College
  • Georgia Southwestern State University
  • Indiana University
  • Kansas State
  • Kennesaw State University
  • Louisiana State University
  • Mississippi College
  • Murray State University
  • Ohio University
  • Pennsylvania State University
  • Purdue University
  • Ramapo College
  • Sacramento State University
  • Sonoma State University
  • Southern Illinois University
  • Stephen F. Austin University
  • Texas A&M College Station
  • Texas A&M Corpus Christi
  • University of North Alabama
  • University of Alabama
  • University of Florida
  • University of Georgia
  • University of Iowa
  • University of Louisiana Monroe
  • University of Michigan
  • University of Missisippi
  • University of Missouri
  • University of Montevallo
  • University of South Carolina
  • University of Tennesee
  • University of Virginia
  • University of Wisconsin Madison
  • Virginia Tech
  • Wake Forest
  • Wayne State University
  • Yale University

Fiesta/Siesta – Do Not Molesta (Disturb)

Fiesta Time

I was completely oblivious to the rumpus going on around me last week while on vacation with my husband’s family. We were staying at my amazing brother-in-law’s (and his awesome husband) beautiful house at the Cape.  We had just spent the day at the beach, it was close to dinner time and I could not be dragged away from the challenging cupcake jigsaw puzzle in the other room.

Everyone else (there were 16 of us) was running around the house doing their thing as I sat hunched over, trying to identify the tiny pieces in front of me. Someone once described getting a piece of a puzzle done, being equivalent to a mini orgasm…this cupcake puzzle had a 1000 pieces (just saying).



One of my sister in-laws had delivered a glass of the peach Sangria she had made (YUM) to me at the puzzle room – so all was good with the world.  I had offered to help in the kitchen but was secretly hoping that I wasn’t needed and they in fact (thankfully) encouraged me to stay put.

Still completely clueless, I got up when I was summoned to the dining room for dinner.  When I arrived at the dining room…SURPRISE!!!!!!!




It was like being back in the motherland!  We are talking a  Puerto Rican flag hanging on the window, balloons, salsa music playing in the background, more Sangria, rice with pigeon peas (trust me, they are yummy), my fave plantain dish, chimichurri sauce and more!!!

There were old pictures of me displayed on the buffet table as well as photo albums from the ‘ol days.

I had developed quite the buzz by then so I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and feeling the love.


Shhhh. This is really me, but don’t tell anyone. 🙂 Here I am with not one, not two but three bday cakes. The middle one being gluten-free – I tried them all.

Needless to say, the meal was delicious. My Gringa family had gone all out cooking dishes they had never cooked before, buying $8 flags at flea markets, driving two towns over looking for gluten-free cakes, slaving over chimichurri sauce and not only enduring but also dancing to the salsa music with me!  Ok, the men wouldn’t dance with me, not even my son or nephew…but us gals were really getting down and shaking our hips which most definitely, did not lie!!!

In fact, our hips were being brutally honest with us and wondering who we thought we were. I was giving hip shaking lessons to my other sister-in-law and teaching her how to pretend that her shorts were a long flowy flamenco skirt she could flap with her hands.

There was more Sangria served, wine bottles opened, muscles pulled, necks realigned, joints damaged, bodies showered in sweat, music played, grinding, laughing and collapsing – to be had.

****[Side note –  BREAKING NEWS:  I wore my new skirted bathing suit to the beach that day and lived to tell about it, people!!!]

Turning 50 is not so bad after all!!  Still 8 days to go and already the fiestas have begun!

I am scheduled to go on a two night stay with my sister and my hilarious two cousins for a girl’s getaway to celebrate more of this 50 thing, the second week in September.  There should be plenty of laughter (and peeing in our pants) at that one!

With all these fiestas, ill be stumbling to my 50’s rather than swimming.

Well, I better [Big Yawn] go take another siesta so I can rest before the next fiesta.




Hungry & Exhausted Woman, Dreams of Being Trapped



It’s been a bit of a tough week.  Exhaustion barged into my home (uninvited), snatched my original body and took over my existence.  That little f*****!!

My Vagus Nerve probably invited him in so they could party together at my expense and make me totally useless.

In addition, I am STARVING!!  The gluten-free experiment is going very well and I have cut back on carbs as well.  I notice a difference in my tummy (it’s a bit flatter, cuz I’m starving) but have yet to notice a difference with regards to my RA.

I eat a lot of veggies and healthy foods.  But, did I tell you I am starving?

Take a look at some of the great dishes I have been making:

Tomato Mozarella & Arugula Salad with Balsamic Glaze

Tomato Mozzarella & Arugula Salad topped with Garbanzo Beans and a Balsamic Glaze

Onion, Sun Dried Tomato, Mozarella, Pesto, Black Olives on Brown Rice Tortilla

Onion, Sun Dried Tomato, Mozzarella, Pesto, Black Olives on Brown Rice Tortilla


Chicken, Seaweed Salad, Sweet Plantain, Yuca, Brussel Sprouts, Potato with Dill, Cole Slaw

This is an abundance of food is it not?  Healthy, robust, filling.

But damn would I kill for a juicy cheeseburger with bun and all with some greasy fries!  



Or how about a creamy carbonara with lots of yummy REAL pasta, alfredo sauce, tons of bacon and oodles of bread.



One bread, two breads, three breads, four breads, five breads….instead of counting sheep at nights, I count bread!


As exhausted as I was yesterday, I dragged my useless body to Whole Foods to get prepared food to feed my family.  I usually don’t shop there since $ does not grow on organic trees, but decided they had the best prepared food selection.

This is when I knew once again, I was not right, in the mind.

I happily daydreamed, as I pushed my little cart, of being trapped inside of Whole Foods, locked in with no way out and with permission to eat anything my starving stomach desired!

I went section by section, in my mind, of what I would eat.  First, I would get in my cart and wheel myself over to the alcohol aisle.  Have myself a wine, cheese and seafood gorging tasting.  Skip the entire veggies and fruit section completely – who needs those?

Then, I would wheel myself back to the prepared food section. I would start off with their homemade pizza, then their soups with all the bread in the store.

Soon, I would stumble over to the deli and have a bite of each and every $25.99 per pound meat, and every ridiculously delicious looking platter, one by one.

To my left, I would try everything from the hot food bar (even the stuff I could not identify), then hit the cold salad bar and eat even the tofu!

After burping a few times, I would crawl over to the bakery to inhale all of the amazing baked chocolatey non gluten-free desserts, ice cream, donuts, and croissants.  

Consequently, being in a food induced coma as well as in my debilitating exhaustive state, I would grab a $100 yoga mat and blanket, shut off all the lights in the store and hibernate, for months.

I awoke from my daydream to find myself at the register, paying $200 for yuca & seaweed salad.  Drove home somehow, ate said foods and crawled into bed.

On Saturday, we leave for a week-long vacation by the shore.  It’s going to be tough to stay strong and go entirely gluten-free, but I will cheat do the best I can.  

I cannot promise, however,  that I will not eat pounds upon pounds of fried clams and lobster rolls!  

There Once Was A Girl Turning 50…In A Few Weeks

Apologies for the reblog. Experiencing technical wordpress difficulties!


There once was a girl turning fifty

Who thought of herself pretty nifty

She had many friends

And some of them hens

Cackling and laughing all night

She had quite a past she was hiding (not really)

In case they came after her while dining

She acted real tough

Even though things got rough

Cuz that’s how her cookie crumbled

She was full of life

And such the sexy wife

Who kept her man always smiling

She sure did love food

Everything was so damn good

Eating became a real passion

What lay ahead

She scratched her balding head

In the next fifty years to come?

She had a choice

To use her wise voice

And drink herself to oblivion

Ignoring her sagging giant arms

Yet watching them go jiggle jiggle

Multiple chins for her comfort

Which most definitely should be illegal

Life would be fine

With a lot…

View original post 119 more words

There Once Was A Girl Turning 50…In A Few Weeks



There once was a girl turning fifty

Who thought of herself pretty nifty

She had many friends

And some of them hens

Cackling and laughing all night

She had quite a past she was hiding (not really)

In case they came after her while dining

She acted real tough

Even though things got rough

Cuz that’s how her cookie crumbled

She was full of life

And such the sexy wife

Who kept her man always smiling

She sure did love food

Everything was so damn good

Eating became a real passion

What lay ahead

She scratched her balding head

In the next fifty years to come?

She had a choice

To use her wise voice

And drink herself to oblivion

Ignoring her sagging giant arms

Yet watching them go jiggle jiggle

Multiple chins for her comfort

Which most definitely should be illegal

Life would be fine

With a lot of good wine

So she didn’t really have to worry

Botox was easily accessible

Although transformation – not possible

She looked at her thighs

With an abundance of sighs

But smiled when she saw no cellulite

It was what it was

Que sera sera

She was just going to have to accept it

So she forged on ahead

And went back to bed

Since she could no longer avoid it

She thought about her fate

But then it got very late

And off to slumberland she went 

Excitement grew near

Or was it something in her rear?

And she knew she could no longer wait

Because soon my good friends, she would open

 the next half-century gate 

What Happens in Vagus…Stays in Vagus



(I’ll show you mine if you show me yours)

I have one.  You have one.  Your mom and dad have one. Your sister, friend, boyfriend, worst enemy.  Even your dog and pet monkey have one.

The same way that, Everyone Poops, everyone has a Vagus (actually two, one on each side).  And I’m not talking about wheatgrass juice or fancy sun glasses.

I am talking about the nerve. The Vagus Nerve.  Take a look at where this baby is:



It is the longest cranial nerve and is responsible for the function and regulation of several bodily systems such as the heart and digestive tract.

It is also the nerve used by many martial arts experts to subdue (or kill) their opponent.


Like Spock doing the vulcan nerve pinch on “redshirt”

I experienced over stimulation of my vagus nerve when I had a medical professional try, Myotherapy on me for my arthritis.  It was not pleasant let me tell you, and I almost fainted. 

It is quite the interesting nerve.  Why do I care?  Why should you care?  Because, this nerve is the explanation to my life long problems (some of them, at least).  And you care about me, right? A little?

You see, I have been fainting all of my life.  Not so much as an adult because I have learned to control it (for the most part).

It all started when I was about 9 years old.  The first time, I remember standing in the kitchen helping my father make a soup.  I was stirring the pot and next thing you know, I was down.  I awoke to his desperate and very loud screams for my mom to come help.  My parents laid me down on the sofa and my mom gave me some orange juice to drink to get my sugar up.  The juice worked and soon I was up and about but feeling very irritated and moody for the next hour or so.

Another time, I was getting my cast removed from my left wrist which I had broken a month prior.  Unfortunately, the doctor who set the cast was drunk at the time (I know, we should have sued) and so they had to re-brake my wrist and put a new cast on.  When the first cast came off and I took one look, I was down for the count.  Prior to fainting, I felt hot, sweaty and nauseous and could hear a ringing in my ear.  I was very irritated and upset for a long while after that one.

There were many other times.  Particularly, when I had to get blood drawn or while sitting in a dentist’s chair getting my wisdom teeth pulled.  I made quite the scene on that day.

The absolute best time I fainted involved…a boy and a diet.  I was in high school and was trying to decide between two boys.  One of them I am now married to but at that time, I chose the other.  We were outside enjoying the stars above, standing up leaning against his car.  He leaned in slowly for the kiss.  That kiss sent all kinds of signals to the rest of my body.  My legs felt weak, I got dizzy, nauseous (sorry guy) and down I went.   When I came to, he had placed me in the back of his station wagon and was sitting next to me, while his buddy drove the car to my house.  

My parents panicked at first but knew I hadn’t been drinking. It was just me fainting, yet again.  This boy soon spread rumors about how powerful his kiss was and the effect he had on me.  I didn’t want it going to his head so I informed him that I had been doing the Scarsdale diet and had not eaten much and that is why I had fainted.  I kinda burst his bubble, oh, and I married the other guy.  

Well, this whole condition is called, Vasovagal Syncope.  A person who is predisposed to this condition, usually will react to a specific trigger before fainting. This response to a trigger will affect their heart rate and blood pressure and therefore a lack of blood to the brain, thus…thump.

The triggers can be things such as standing for too long or getting up too quickly, stress (but I’m never stressed), arousals or stimulants (so, it was the kiss after all!), the site of blood (duh), extreme emotions, heart conditions and the list goes on and on.

Although I have not been medically diagnosed, I was diagnosed by my sister (she plays a doctor on tv) who is married to a cardiologist who confirmed her suspicions and most importantly, helped me figure out the other vagus nerve issue I have.

Remember I was saying earlier that everyone poops?    Well, this is a problem for me.

We are talking, Defecation Syncope, people!  Even the recommended links feature below couldn’t find a link to this condition. Yes, you read correctly.  Now stop laughing and hear me out.

I often feel dizzy and utterly exhausted from a BM (I said, stop laughing.) Like the type of fatigue where I am worthless for the rest of the day (well, that’s me everyday.)  I have to lay down and sleep for hours.  This is different from my usual chronic fatigue due to my RA (Wow, am I a basket case or what?)


Yes, but does everybody faint after they poop?

You know how one can feel a “high” or “pooh-phoria” after a movement? Not me, never. Well this is because during defecation, the vagus nerve gets stimulated and one can experience euphoria and ecstasy (God I hope my Mami does not read this post.)

During this “process”, your blood pressure drops and so does your heart rate and if you are sensitive or suffer from Defecation Syncope (I swear it exists), it can cause  you to pass out or become extremely fatigued.  I have  yet to faint from this shitty condition, but my husband is always on high alert.

Like I needed one more thing to add to my list.  Did you stop laughing yet?  Look it up if you don’t believe me.

To end on a good note and flush through this information, I will tell you two last fact about our new friend, the vagus nerve.

Stimulating this nerve can help stop the hiccups!  By causing another sensation, the brain is tricked into thinking that there is something more pressing than hiccups and so the hiccups stop.  

Remedies like drinking cold water, eating a spoonful of sugar, stimulating the back of your throat and throwing up (I am not throwing up to stop my hiccups) are vagal stimulations.  Who knew?

In conclusion, the last vagus nerve fact I will share with you is one in which research has shown, that women who have had complete spinal cord injury (I don’t wish that on anybody), can experience orgasms through the vagus nerve which can go from the uterus and vagina to the brain (I wish that on everyone.)

Well, I may have told you a little TMI so remember that, What happens in Vagus, stays in Vagus.