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He actually loves movies. Really. He looks forward to the great savory and buttery trans fatty popcorn, the (Oh My God I’m going to miss half of the movie because I’m going to have to pee for the whole two hours) supersize soda, the previews (trailers now) and the big screen.
What he is not a fan of, is what happens inside the theaters.
It is usually nothing tragic, mind you, just a bit uncomfortable and annoying.
Like the time he was sitting in a crowded dark movie theater ready to watch the feature of the day, when he smelled something…foul. He turned his head to the right – nothing. He turned his head to the left and – THERE THEY WERE! Bare Feet! Big Ugly Bare Feet. Big Ugly Masculine Bare Feet. Big Ugly Masculine and Stinky Bare Feet. Right by his left ear. Really? He asked the person to move them the hell away from him – but the guy kept the shoes off and the aroma was still lingering, in the air.
Another time, in the middle of an important scene, the lady two seats over, began to unwrap her foot long Subway sandwich for what seemed to be an eternity. “Crinkle crinkle, rustle rustle, rip rip, crinkle some more”. Then, as if that was not bad enough, the hungry lady had asked for ONIONS on her sub! That stink bomb aroma lingered in the air…as well.
Or the time when a couple from Russia who did not speak English, brought all their young kids to the R-rated movie my husband was looking forward to watching, including their infant son, who began wailing.
The best incident by far, was the one at our local “earthy” theater. As he sat happily munching on his popcorn waiting for the movie to begin, an earthy-crunchy Woodstock sort of man sat in the seat directly in front of him. When the man leaned back to rest his head on his seat, his grayish and frizzy loooong braid, fell right inside my husband’s tub of popcorn. Let’s just say there was now extra oil in his already buttered corn.
Being the great husband that he is, he will still take me to the movies, but the necessary prep that goes into securing that he has a pleasant, stink-free, noise-free and oil-free movie experience, is a lengthy one.
We get there early. We scout out the whole theater. We profile all the suspect movie goers that enter. We check out what they are carrying into the theater. We look for any 5 course meals they may be hiding in their pocket books. We make sure they have crew cuts, clean crew cuts. We look down at their feet. They must be wearing socks, absolutely NO flip-flops. We make sure there are no young screaming children. Then, we give everyone the evil (don’t you dare sit next to us) eye, and stare them down.
Once all that prep is complete, we pray that the people who are sitting near us, do not have a huge bag of unopened peanut M&M’s which they will undoubtedly open during a quiet scene in the movie. We look out to make sure our movie “neighbors” are not holding the cardboard trays filled with movie theater fake-cheesy nachos or bright blue frosty frozen drinks they will be slurping, in no time.
sodahead.com
Once we are finally settled in and the movie has begun, my husband has to excuse himself and shimmy his way through the people in our row, stepping on their toes, almost spilling their popcorn and blocking their view, as he tries to make it to the men’s room to relieve himself of the 100-ounce (banned by New York’s Major, Bloomberg) supersize sugary soda he drank, while looking for evil movie goers.
What horrid movie experiences have you had?
Ha! This cracked me up. Ahhhhh … your poor dude the feet next to me and the hair in the popcorn would have totally killed my whole movie going experience. I can understand why he’d be turned off. As I got older people would totally annoy me more at the movies … so I tend to go to matinees, really, really late shows, or stick with Netflix 🙂
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It seems petty, but I get annoyed by the people who need to leave during the movie and don’t duck down or sneak out quickly. You know the ones. The ones who stand up, block views and saunter out.
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I hear you, Kerry! 🙂
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Other movie goers are the reason we are more than happy to wait until a film comes out on DVD. And we can watch from the comfort of our living room. 🙂
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This seems to be the popular vote! I still like the feel of being in the theater and the big screen. We will have to stick to morning viewings. 🙂
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I’m with your husband!!! I used to go to the movies nearly every week. But I get tired of people talking during the films (especially on cell phones). Thankfully, I’ve never sat near someone who took his shoes off. Ewwwww. But I unfortunately sat near a woman who decided to recap the whole movie to the person next to her. Apparently, she’d seen it before. I don’t know why the person with her couldn’t just watch the movie instead of having to be told what was going to happen.
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Oh, that is soooo annoying! Or when people try to whisper to each other but the whole theater can hear them. 🙂
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The last experience I had involved stupid teenagers screaming during the nonscary parts of a not-very-scary horror movie.
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They are the worst!
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Your posts never fail to make me smile – have a great day!
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Thank you, Pam! 🙂
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Hahaha!!! Loved this! Remind me to never ever go to a movie that your hubby is going to- he seems to be a magnet for disaster!
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Good move!! He definitely attracts them. 🙂
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Hehehe, I can relate!!
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Unfortunately, most of us can relate! There should be rules of conduct and body searches done prior to letting someone in the theater. 🙂
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Hahaha-I know what you mean. I can rarely drag my husband to the movies as it is, so having a bad experience certainly doesn’t help. There are so many annoying moments, mainly the texting in the movies, but my favorite memory of a bad time was when the Hunger Games opened. My sister and I were both super excited. She was so excited that she made t-shirts for she and her husband. We met with a couple of friends to eat first and sent the boys over early to get us good seats while we were waiting to pay our bill. By the time we got over to the theatre the guys somehow had misinterpreted and were waiting for us by the snack bar. When we walked into the theatre the movie was about to start and the only seats left were on the front row. For some crazy reason my phone started playing music from my person and I had to run out to get it to turn off and when I returned to my very uncomfortable seat, my sister was not with us. After the movie we found her. She had found the one open seat up top beside a larger man who spilled over into her seat. I think she is still pretty mad about it. It was definitely my worst experience in the theatre, even though the movie was great. 🙂
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Shannon, this is so funny! Of course your phone started doing strange things right in the middle of the movie. Why wouldn’t that happen, right? It’s so unpleasant getting to the theater when all the seats are taken up except for the front row. My neck ends up killing me afterwards. Thanks for sharing your funny story. : /
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Lol wowww! You guys have some luck.
I prefer watching movies from the comfort of me bed. 🙂
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I agree, Lily. We still love the big screen and the popcorn at the theaters though. Or, we could just get a 100 inch TV for our bedroom and never have to go out. hee,hee
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OMG, that’s enough to stop going to the theater. I am always amazed at the parents that bring their newborn and infant prodigy to the 8.00 and 9.00pm shows. I want to place them under parent arrest!
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Can you believe all these experiences? Crazy! It’s a miracle that he continues to go with me. 🙂
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Hilarious, Maria! I’m surprised your health conscious husband would eat the movie popcorn. 🙂 The worst experience I ever had was when some loud-mouth drunk kept yelling out what was about to happen during all of the key moments of the movie. Finally a security guard came and escorted him out of the theater, but by then, the credits were getting ready to roll.
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He eats very healthy but don’t ever take away his popcorn! 🙂 Glad the security guard escorted him out. Too bad he wrecked the whole experience for everyone else.
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I used to have a job that had 2 weekdays as my days off.
A great movie on an afternoon with an empty theater is fantastic!
And when I worked in a movie theater, yeah, I met all the characters your husband objected to.
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I’m definitely thinking of hitting the 11:00 am showtime from now on. You must have really seen it all! And the mess people leave!
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Hahaha! I love that you engage in movie theater goer profiling.
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Profiling is never ok, except for at the movies. 🙂
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As I’ve gotten older, I understand why Netflix is so popular.
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Very true, Renee. Although nothing beats a big screen! Pretty soon we will be eligible for the Senior Citizen movie day at 11:00 am! hee,hee.
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I don’t get it either! My 2 favs are the feet resting on the back of your seat so you can get a nice jolt every minute or so. The 2nd, and a first for me, recently a young couple brought their baby lying in an infant seat who fussed throughout most of the movie. You can’t do much about the first, except move your seat but I think management should step in when it comes to couples bringing their infants and children along when attending adult movies. As for the supersize sugary soda…some people never learn 🙂
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Oh, yes! We hate the feet resting behind our seats. Kind of like when on an airplane and the person behind keeps kicking the seat! Regarding the sugary soda, you are right…he never learns. 🙂
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Funny and relatable post! I’ve had movie theater drama but not as bad as yours! I can’t believe someone would take his shoes off and put his stinky bare feet next to someone’s face. And that is so gross about the hair in the popcorn- when you said extra oil I gagged a little!
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Sorry to make you gag! I wish these stories were not true, but they ARE!!! Crazy, huh? Thanks for visiting my blog! 🙂
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