Most of my posts are of the humorous kind (perhaps not funny to you but…), because I am generally a pretty happy person. I have been dealt with some not so good cards in my life, but who hasn’t?
I do not know how this came to be, but I have a pretty good attitude towards life. I often feel that things could always be worse. I feel blessed to have my wonderful little family, my relatives and amazing friends.
On June 12, I wrote one of the few non-humorous posts I have written titled, Help Her, No More.
It is about a loved one I took in as my own child and devoted 6 months of my life trying to help. And how her mental illness proved to be much stronger than all the therapy, medications, and hospitalizations put together.
She left my home and continued to self destruct and to hurt others in her path. That she hasn’t yet been arrested, is truly a miracle. Sex, drugs and alcohol are all that consumes this 18-year-old. No one can reach her, to me, she is a lost cause.
I have gone through all of the stages one goes through when experiencing a loss. The latest stage being anger mixed in with indifference. I am trying to hold on to these feelings in order to protect myself from further pain. I cannot get sucked in by her again or I too, will go down.
I have not seen her for about a month. She is living in the streets or with various men she meets.
In spite of the tough shell I have built around me for my own protection, I know deep inside, I love her and I care. I hate that this is a fact. I’ll tell you why.
In a moment of weakness, I decided to reach out to her one more time to see if I could get through to her in hopes that this time, something would change. It proved to be the second biggest mistake I have made right after inviting her into our lives.
After sending her a long message telling her to please reconsider her life style and telling her I was praying for her, she responded with, “Ah fuck you-ya dumb bitch”. Then she wished death upon my children and that my husband fall down a set of stairs.
I am in shock although I should not be and am not proud of my responses to her threats and insanity.
I acted defensively and insulted her back. It was my knee jerk reaction to her wishing harm upon my family. It was all I could do to control what I could have said while in this state of anger and shock. It stung – big time.
This only magnifies the state she is in.
Thank God for my amazing younger brother who wrote to her in response to her crazy messages. I thank him for being who he is. Loving, forgiving, spiritual and God-like. Really.
He defended me to the moon and back in his message to her, without judgement. He reminded her how much we love her and told her he had faith in her. He did not attack – like I did. He did not stoop so low as to insult her and act defensively.
Even if these insults and hatred had been directed toward him, he still would not have reacted the way I did.
I am saddened for her and for myself. For myself because I was not able to find the strength, my wonderful brother has.
I have a lot to learn from him.