Sadness, Despair & Anger

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Most of my posts are of the humorous kind (perhaps not funny to you but…), because I am generally a pretty happy person.  I have been dealt with some not so good cards in my life,  but who hasn’t?

I do not know how this came to be, but I have a pretty good attitude towards life.  I often feel that things could always be worse.  I feel blessed to have my wonderful little family, my relatives and amazing friends.

On June 12, I wrote one of the few non-humorous posts I have written titled, Help Her, No More.

https://swimmingtomy50s.wordpress.com/2013/06/12/help-her-no-more/

It is about a loved one I took in as my own child and devoted 6 months of my life trying to help.  And how her mental illness proved to be much stronger than all the therapy, medications, and hospitalizations put together.

She left my home and continued to self destruct and to hurt others in her path.  That she hasn’t yet been arrested, is truly a miracle.   Sex, drugs and alcohol are all that consumes this 18-year-old.  No one can reach her, to me, she is a lost cause.

I have gone through all of the stages one goes through when experiencing a loss.  The latest stage being anger mixed in with indifference.  I am trying to hold on to these feelings in order to protect myself from further pain.  I cannot get sucked in by her again or I too, will go down.

I have not seen her for about a month.  She is living in the streets or with various men she meets.

In spite of the tough shell I have built around me for my own protection, I know deep inside, I love her and I care.  I hate that this is a fact.  I’ll tell you why.

In a moment of weakness, I decided to reach out to her one more time to see if I could get through to her in hopes that this time, something would change.  It proved to be the second biggest mistake I have made right after inviting her into our lives.

After sending her a long message telling her to please reconsider her life style and telling her I was praying for her, she responded with, “Ah fuck you-ya dumb bitch”.  Then she wished death upon my children and that my husband fall down a set of stairs.

I am in shock although I should not be and am not proud of my responses to her threats and insanity.

I acted defensively and insulted her back.  It was my knee jerk reaction to her wishing harm upon my family.  It was all I could do to control what I could have said while in this state of anger and shock.    It stung – big time.

This only magnifies the state she is in.  

Thank God for my amazing younger brother who wrote to her in response to her crazy messages.  I thank him for being who he is.  Loving, forgiving, spiritual and God-like.  Really.  

He defended me to the moon and back in his message to her, without judgement.  He reminded her how much we love her and told her he had faith in her.  He did not attack – like I did.  He did not stoop so low as to insult her and act defensively.

Even if these insults and hatred had been directed toward him, he still would not have reacted the way I did.

I am saddened for her and for myself.  For myself because I was not able to find the strength, my wonderful brother has.  

I have a lot to learn from him.

37 thoughts on “Sadness, Despair & Anger

  1. It is so hard to see a loved one suffer. I know how helpless you feel and how you wish you could do something. It looks like you have done all that you could do for her (which I think has been quite heroic). Thank God you have a wonderful brother who supports you.
    There are a few people in my life that I worry about constantly. Recently I have been clinging to this Bible verse: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). I pray this every morning, many times with tears, but I am more at peace that God is in control not me.

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  2. I’ve been in situations like this. Not the same, but the same principle. It’s tough watching people we love self destruct kind of knowingly. That whole thing about unconditional love..is it even possible, unless we become martyr’s to someone else’s cause? I read something recently that rang true for me – ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’. Maybe she doesn’t believe she is deserves it…and it has to be her choice? Hope you find some peace, anyway…Sounds like you’ve done everything you can.

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  3. I am sooo sorry it has come to this. I was so full of admiration and hope when we had our lunch over Christmas. I felt you were doing more for her than I was mustering for my own son. I have to say I hope she does get arrested at this point. It might be the next rock bottom and the one she needs. I have a friend whose half sister just went through this– ran away with a guy at 18, blew all of her money on drugs, resisted all family interventions, and is now finally in jail and somewhat ready to confront her demons. Remember, she is only 18. She might have to log a few more crazy years before she can muster the DESIRE to live honorably. I imagine both your and your brother’s responses were important to her future, better choices. Much Love to you. xoxo k

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  4. I agree with everything that has been said here. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re human. Forgive yourself.

    I feel sorry for this young woman. I can only hope and pray that her life turns around–that she stop hurting herself and others.

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  5. You took care of someone who needed and still needs help. I am sorry her addiction has become so strong. The fact that you reached out again just proves how big your heart is and you should not give yourself a hard time for being human. You were deeply hurt, you are deeply hurt. Trust in your family to give you strength. Pray for her and get a new phone number. 🙂

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  6. I totally, totally understand how you feel. I too spent unbelievable amounts of time, energy and emotional stamina on a young teen with issues – my step-daughter. She never had the opportunity to know her Dad growing up and when she became a Mom at 17, she reached out – or rather was thrown out by her Mom, and then reached out and we took her in off and on for two years. Her Dad, my husband, gave up hope of helping her find a more stable path through life about one year in, but together we continued to try. Final straw came two days after my being her birthing partner for baby #2 at age 20. Sometimes you do have to see that you will not be the person that reaches someone in trouble, no matter how hard you try. You have to save yourself. Let’s face it if we don’t save ourselves, how can we hope to be the strength and light others need to pull themselves up out of the abyss? I applaud you in your efforts…they are not easy and most often we see no reward for them, only pain and hurt. God Bless you!

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    1. So sorry for what you and your husband went through. That must have been so difficult. I am slowly learning that some people just cannot be helped no matter how hard you try. I am stubborn by nature and don’t like to give up on anything. I was so determined to make it work. Sad, sad situation. Thanks for your kind words. 🙂

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  7. Sometimes, all we can do is all we can do. You gave her the best you had, and it hurts to have that be rejected in favor of choices you know she will someday regret. Love must be tough, but that is usually toughest on the person in your position. I am sorry you are hurting like this.

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  8. Oh Maria, I can feel your pain while reading your post. Sometimes the best thing we can do for a troubled individual is to walk away. You’ve done everything possible to help her. Some people can’t be saved, but some people can only be saved when they hit rock bottom and decide the bottom isn’t where they want to be. It’s all up to her at this point, Maria, you’ve done your best. You’re an angel in her life, but she’s not at a point to realize it…maybe someday.

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    1. Thanks, Jill. I was doing so well and letting go. Then, I decided to reach out one more time and boom! I have (I hope) learned my lesson and won’t subject myself to being hurt again. We are such a close family and this is affecting all of us. You are right, maybe someday… 🙂

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    1. Sadly, I don’t think she is capable of seeing it. No matter how many of us tell her, she thinks we are all crazy. It’s so much harder than I thought – to go through this. I also hurt for my brother.

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    1. After hospitalizations and treatment she knows what she has to do to treat her personality disorder. It worked while she was doing it and following the skills that are well known to help with personality disorders. That’s the thing. It can work and it has worked. She is choosing not to use the skills she learned.

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  9. There is nothing harder than to watch someone we love self-destruct. I agree with Gina. You have told her you care about her, even your anger says that. But to keep your own sanity, you do need to let her go. A friend of mine once said, “Sometimes you have to love people from afar.” I think this idea applies here.

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    1. You are right, I have to love her from afar. It’s hurtful to hear her talk that way about my family and to be so disrespectful. I know I’m not supposed to take it personally but boy is it hard. I wish I hadn’t reached out again. When will I learn my lesson???

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  10. I remember one time you telling me that the one thing your niece was not able to bear was being ignored. Though your words were “fighting words” and you may regret them, for her (in her unstable state right now) they probably helped. You responded….with very raw emotion. They may not have been kind words, but right now all she knows is raw emotion and fighting words. Your response showed her that you still care….a lot.

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  11. You gave her six months of compassion, love and support. Believe it or not, she does know that. Don’t beat yourself up over how you reacted to her venomous response to your message. She can hurt you, because you care. You did more for her than probably anyone in her entire life. The good you did still lives inside her, deep and buried perhaps, but it lives on nonetheless.

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  12. Whoa… with everything on your plate, you took this on… your niece. What can you do when you’ve gone to the moon and back trying to help someone (love, therapy, safety, security… love) and your vehemently maligned, insulted and rejected? Pray for God’s grace. Can’t imagine what else you could have done. Your children and family will bear witness to your compassion and empathy. They will have learned the invaluable lessons of faith and hope and love that your niece rejected. You have more strength than most people I know… maybe let your brother be the strong one for a while, and you can, maybe, enjoy some peace and the joy your beautiful wonderful family and loving adoring friends offer you. You are a rare one, for sure!!!

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