WARNING: If you are a man, reading this post may elicit certain… excitement. Read at your own risk.
Guess what? It’s summer and I’m almost 50. Translation: Must I really get into a bathing suit? This is the dreaded question we all ask as the days get warmer, the nights get longer, the grills are ‘a cooking and the water is glistening. Damn, is it that time again?
It’s not like we don’t have 9 months to prepare for this inevitable event. We know it’s coming. We can mold and sculpt our bodies in preparation for the big reveal. But, who the hell wants to do that?
After summer has passed, we welcome the fall with open arms. We can cover up our skin more, eat apple pie, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream (my fave) and all the other seasonal autumn (starchy) foods. Then, we gorge during the holidays, to then fail at our new resolutions we set on January 1st and gorge some more to keep warm during the winter months (at least that’s my excuse).
At a blink of an eye, May rolls around and….SH@&*!!! It’s here again. Darn Summer.
Don’t get me wrong, I love summer. Everything about it EXCEPT for the bathing suit part (oh and the mosquitos).
Well, I found myself bathing suit shopping this past weekend. There were racks upon racks of vibrant shiny sexy wear, for all shapes and sizes.
< These two were my favorites. Especially the patriotic monokini, just in time for July 4th!
You wouldn’t believe the ingenious marketing that takes place to sell these tiny pieces of lycra. Slenderizing. Miraclesuit. Spanx-Slimming. Contour. Control Top. Look 10 lbs slimmer. Color contrast to give the illusion of slimness.
The sad thing is that I believed it and fell for it. I marched right over to the fitting room, cart chock full of miracles, to be tried on. Thank God for the fitting room’s special mirrors they have for our benefit – although my paleness blinded me as I looked to see how the suits looked. Shoot, I forgot to shave! I had to pretend that it wasn’t Chewbacca staring back at me.
Boy do I hate this process. Time and time again you must look at your….flaws as you wiggle your way into the too small of a size suit – because you refuse to believe that you are truly, two sizes larger. Fun times!
As I struggled with straps, belts, buckles and cups, I yearned for older days. The days when this was the style:
I was wishing I could find this suit below, so as to scare away any eyes that would decide to wander over to my less than perfect body. Stay Away!
I frankly think, the bathing suit that has fit me the absolute BEST throughout my whole bathing suit career, has been this baby below. Not too tight or loose. The perfect colors for my skin type and quite flattering, wouldn’t you agree?
Well, I am now not so happy to report that I walked out of the store, the proud owner of not one, not two but three skirted suits. Yes, I said skirted. (God Have Mercy on Me). Three, because I could not stand looking at myself in the small claustrophobic dressing room mirror any longer and could not decide which lucky suit would come home with me.
I now get to have a fashion show in the privacy of my own messy room to decide which one, is the winner. Sigh.