Help Her, No More

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Have you ever squeezed out every last possible drop of your entire heart and soul, to help someone you love?

The type of help that requires your life to come to a complete and immediate halt?

Where you sacrifice your own already compromised physical health, stretch the limits of your relatively healthy mental state to its absolute breaking point and are forced to push aside the needs of your children, husband and other loved ones?

It is something I knew I had to do.  There was never any doubt in my mind that I had to try to help this someone, who would have otherwise lost her life.  It was my idea.  My plan.  My insistence that we try one more thing in order to give her a chance for a better life – or just simply, a life.

For six months while she lived with us,  I used up all of my God-given love I had to give, on her.  Not unlike what you do for an infant,  I was there at her beck and call to answer to and meet all her possible needs including the ones I frantically anticipated she might have.  She did not ask or demand this of me.  I just did it.  

We had become one person, joined at the hip, thinking, speaking and acting as one.  A beautifully synchronized and choreographed dance where you glide through the steps and take turns leading the other when needed.  This, among the many other dances prompted by anger, confusion and betrayal.  Like on a see-saw where you teeter along trying to stay balanced, we tried avoiding the sudden and abrupt highs and lows.

Days and weeks passed, each and every one carrying with it an intensity and stress level beyond comprehension and human ability. I awoke every morning exhausted from the previous day’s events and from the lack of sleep I experienced, as I lay awake in bed at nights consumed with anxiety, worry and fear.  

Was I doing the right thing?  Was it working?  Was she listening to me?  Was I getting through?  Did I show her enough love?  Should I had said things differently?  Was she happy?  Sad?  Angry?  Were my kids angry at me?  Was this unfair to them?

Not only was she awarded with my undivided and unconditional love, I had also arranged for her to receive every possible outside support from doctors, clinics, therapists and schools.  World renowned experts in the field of, Mental Illness.  Top of the line facilities and assistance.  She truly had it all at her young finger tips.  All, for her.  

I will admit that she did try.  She went willingly to all the appointments and vowed to get better.  She did not like what she had become and wanted desperately to change.

Then, it all went down.  Down to the lowest, filthiest most miserable basement of hell.  Pure organic hell.

She decided she had enough.  Turned 18 and never looked back.  Just like that.   Went back to her old ways, back to damaging relationships with the people who love and care about her the most.  Back to a life of lies, manipulation and danger.  Back to the self-destructive risky behavior she had vowed months before, she would try to stop.

I was left a broken person.  With a broken heart and soul.  A sense of betrayal, of being used and snowed.  As if someone had taken my heart and thrown it on the ground, kicked it with all the strength in the world and beat it to pieces – and then spit it back at me.

It left me bitter, cynical, hardened and lacking faith in humanity.  I could feel the ugliness and anger swelling up inside of me.  I know I gave it my all – and beyond.  But the pain, remains.  

I have not yet recovered and can only hope that in time, my old caring, compassionate, positive and loving self, will resurface and take control of my life again.

I can help her, no more.

 

 

36 thoughts on “Help Her, No More

  1. This sounds like someone I know, Maria, and he’s 45 now, still doing the same stupid things with no sign of changing at all. The only thing you can do is what you are doing, waiting. Thanks for your visit to my site the other day.
    Paul

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    1. Oh, Paul. It’s pretty disturbing to watch her spiral out of control knowing there is nothing you can do to stop her. I am convinced that there is no hope for her. She shows no signs of maturity or change. I’m afraid she is headed towards a life of struggles and stupid things! I’m sorry you have someone in your life struggling as well. I loved your poem. 🙂

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      1. As you said, nothing more that you can do. Thanks about the poem. It was from memories of my first wife. She died when we were very young and our 50th would have been in June.

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  2. Just came across your lovely blog and read this….so sorry to hear of all you’ve had to go through. Everyone must travel their own path, and sometimes, unfortunately, it’s a path full of pain until (hopefully) they (your friend) have really hit the bottom. So difficult for you to watch/be a part of, though..

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    1. Thank you so much for stopping by Chere! Don’t know when she will hit rock bottom but the walls are beginning to tumble and the doors are closing. At least the ones attached to her family. We will be there for her when she is ready to change, but no sooner. Thanks for your kind words.

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  3. There is almost nothing I can say since I dont personally know both of you, I would advise to keep the anger and sadness about her inside her relationship, dont treat others like how you wanna treat her, cause theyre not exactly her, they may seem like but theyre not guilty about what she did, I guess.
    about mental illness… the only thing I cant think of is that is not something to be completely avoided from one day to another, even with all the help of the world, if your heart is inside that storm you need to go back and get it somehow, you cannot just forget about it. Im not advising you to do it and I dont really know her, but if you could walk with her on her side of the court, maybe youll be able to see why she is doing those things.
    Good Luck and get well soon 🙂

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    1. Thank you for your insight. You are right about making sure the anger is not directed toward someone else! Unfortunately, not only did I walk beside her and in her shoes but I defended her to the moon and back and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I think this is why the burn is so deep. I know in time the burn will heal although the scar will always be there. Thanks for your kindness.

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  4. I’ve been there, too. You don’t get over it, but you get through it. You own it and live with it and let it go. Doesn’t mean it ever doesn’t hurt, but there are lessons to embrace. It changes you, but you get to know the new you. It’ll get better, give it time.

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  5. I’m really, really sorry. I know so many people for whom your experience is a reality. People who take love lightly need to read your post. THIS is love in action.

    As a teen, I totally rebelled. I wanted to live life my way. My mother pleaded with to change. I ignored her for years. I made many foolish mistakes. Finally, I understood where she was coming from.

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    1. Thanks, L.Marie. Our whole family has poured out all of our hearts to her and she has yet to see it. I know she is young and I hope like you and many of us, she will one day understand. Hopefully, it won’t be too late.

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  6. Just think though that she has seen how it could be. You have provided a glimmer of hope for someone. It may not happen now. You may never know. But doing the right thing is always the right thing.

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  7. All you can do is your best, which is absolutely what you did. You can walk away from this situation knowing that you cared and you tried and you did the right thing, and you should be proud of all of that. While this experience may have left you hurt, that will not be the case every time you let someone in. Do not let one willingly broken person permanently break you, because I can promise you that there are other people out there who need, and will greatly benefit from, your compassionate nature. And those people, and the joyful moments that you will share with them, will soon enough make this whole experience a blip on the radar that you barely remember.

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    1. Very wise words! I don’t want this hard shell to remain a part of me any longer. It’s ugly. I hope I can recover fully soon because you are right, there are a lot of needy people out there that deserve all the help we can give them and who welcome the assistance with open arms. Looking forward to getting myself back! 🙂

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  8. What a shame. I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating that must be for you. I don’t know, I think some people are just beyond help, which is a shame, because it’s so admirable and beautiful how much of yourself you gave to this person, to try to make things better. You did what you could. HUGS!

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    1. Thank you, Lily! I have learned the hard way that there truly are people out there that are just beyond help, as you point out. I wanted it so bad for her – but obviously, she is not there and may never be. It’s something I have to accept. XO

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  9. Rough gig.
    I’ve been there, but not quite to that degree. And in the end, all I could was step back, acknowledge that even though I’d done everything I could, it wasn’t enough/the right thing, and get on with my life.
    And while the memories (and some of the pain) are still there, they serve as lessons.
    Now I know to ask a few more questions and look a little closer before jumping.
    Doesn’t mean I won’t jump. Just means I’m more aware of the possible outcomes…

    Rock on, brickhouse chick. And as far as your compassion, don’t let ’em stop you from being you

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    1. Thank you, Guap. Your words are inspiring and quite true. I am gun shy now and not trusting of anything/anyone. The burn is too fresh still. But I can see how in time I will be wiser yet continue to hold on to my compassion for others – as tough as that sounds. 🙂

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  10. I truly believe “you are supposed to be where you are…when you get there”. So…
    I was supposed to hear your words because have felt the same pain of betrayal…and was reminded of that emotional grind…even though not as recent as your own. However, deciding to move on gives one a freedom of self.
    Good for me.
    Good for you….
    R.

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    1. Raye, I am glad you were supposed to be here to hear my words – but sad that you too have suffered through such similar emotional grind and pain. It is difficult to move on but you are right – we need to have freedom of self, otherwise we too will go down with the ship. Thanks for your words.

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