The Swim to My 50s – My Husband’s Other Woman

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Courtesy of glamour.com

I am not jealous, really, I’m not.  It may sound like I am by my actions and words but I am not one bit worried, threatened or envious of… her.

I have never met her.  I have a picture in my head of what she looks like based on his description of her.  She is apparently very fit, has strong muscly legs, has short brown hair, brown eyes (hmm..he’s always loved my eyes…), and is between 25 and 30 years of age, he thinks.

He insists that she is not a natural beauty but when asked if traffic would come to a halt if she were crossing the road, he said…probably.

Probably?  But honey, you have nothing to worry about, trust me. 

I trust you, but must she rule our lives?

He has been seeing her for about a month now.  It feels more like years.  Her name is….Marit.  It is very difficult for me to say her name and even harder to hear him say it, over and over again.

Him – Honey, don’t serve me any legumes for dinner, Marit said to stay   away from legumes.

Me –  What’s so bad about legumes?  They are a great source of protein and besides, you don’t need to lose any more weight because if you keep losing, you will weigh less than me and that = divorce, remember?

Him – Marit says I should avoid them for now.

MeI guess if Marit says to avoid them, we should obey Marit…

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Courtesy of belgraviacentre.com

Next Day:

Him – Marit says I am in pretty good shape for someone who has not worked out in a long time.  She has me doing push ups and stretches.  She really knows her stuff.

Me – That’s great honey, I am glad that you are feeling good and motivated to get in shape.  By the way, can you pass me the cookies in the cabinet?

Him – Speaking of sugar, Marit said that the greek yogurt I bought last week has way too much sugar.  You can have them all.  Marit said I should eat avocados, can you pick some up tomorrow?  Hey, before you eat your cookies, come take a look at my “guns”.  I’m getting stronger by the day.  Marit said we are going to work on building muscle. 

Me – Good, hon.  Wow, yes, look at those guns!  Good for you.

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It’s not that I do not want him to look good and to feel good about himself, of course I do.  He turned 50 last year and is at a whopping 165 pounds (same weight as he was in high school, mind you).  It’s just that I like my man a little… meatier.  

He is quite handsome and gets my juices flowing, but…how will he carry me out in the event of a fire?  How will he protect me from any black bears that appear in our path when hiking (even though I don’t ever go hiking with him)?

Him – Marit is down on cereal so don’t buy any more.  She wants me to have eggs instead.  Marit is down on carbs altogether.  Do you know how quickly they convert to fat?  She is suggesting I have fish 3 times a week and all the vegetables I want.  You can forget about pizza.  Marit says it’s not worth interrupting the program for.  And, nuts.  I can have lot’s of nuts.  I’m going to have to cut down on the beer and the diet soda also.

Me – But, you barely eat now!  If you cut all carbs from your diet you will lose even more weight, not to mention how cranky you will be and how not fun you will be when we go out to dinner! I am sure you can get away with eating carbs in moderation, right?

Him – Marit says I don’t need them.  Protein, fruit and veggies are it!  Oh, and butter.  For some reason she says I can have real butter, not the fake stuff.  I think she also wants me to have whole milk.  Marit says you get used to the whole milk after a while.

Me – Honey, I am really worried that you are going to wither away.  People will be asking me how many months you have left to live.  Honestly, I am all for this and am happy for you but you don’t need to lose any more weight.  Can’t you just work on bulking up (pretty please?).

HimI have not felt this good in years.  I am very excited about working with Marit and besides, I’ve got these love handles I have to get rid of.  Marit wants me to keep a journal of everything I eat and I have to show it to her.  Do you think you could buy the items off this list Marit gave me?  I appreciate it hon.  I Love you.

$323.00 later, our fridge and cabinets are filled with lot’s of protein, real butter, whole milk, veggies, fruit, nuts, avocados, fish and NO bread in sight.  I did buy some dark chocolate almonds and a box of cookies for me him, in case he comes to his senses one night and has to have sugar.

Him Thanks so much for this delicious wild salmon you made tonight.  And the salad was loaded with protein and veggies.  I really appreciate you doing this even though I know you get too tired to cook and your wrists hurt from cutting and slicing.   What are you handing me?

Me – It’s just the grocery bill.  I thought you could give it to Marit the next time you see her so she can pay it. 

 

12 thoughts on “The Swim to My 50s – My Husband’s Other Woman

  1. Love it! My husband doesn’t have a Marit, but he does have the internet so read a lot about health and diet (he’s been trying to lose weight). He has told me many times how bad this is for you and I should eat A instead of B. So far it hasn’t cost me a $300 grocery bill!

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  2. Maybe you should try working out with your husband and “Marit” one day, you can get to know her better and get healthy with him! It could be a great bonding experience!!

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  3. My husband is on a weird diet these days too, although his personal trainer is named Lloyd (so probably nothing to worry about there). I try to look on the bright side. He doesn’t eat up all the junk food anymore, so there’s always plenty for me when I get a craving.

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