The Swim to My 50s – My Bizarre Electromagnetic Field Disability

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I am not kidding when I tell you that there is something very bizarre going on with my body (besides the obvious).  There has to be.  There are too many unexplained occurrences to ignore this fact any further.

I can count at least ten watches that sit in my jewelry drawer that have failed me.  Some are new, some old, some cheap and one is a Gucci my parents gave me as a gift.

In spite of my history with watches, I continue to buy them hoping that they will not fall victim to my Bizarre Electromagnetic Field Disability.  This BEFD causes all of my watches to STOP working for no explicable reason. Yes, I have replaced the batteries on all of them – to no avail.

It usually occurs within the first month of wearing the watch.  Let me tell you, it freaks me out every time.

But, my BEFD does not stop there. I am partially handicapped when using public restrooms.  While this germa-phobic society is happily enjoying the new technological advanced features in public restrooms, I am deprived.

No matter how many times I swing my hands under the automatic sinks, water will not come out.  Believe me, I try.  I will go from sink to sink swinging away in hopes that I feel even a tiny drop of water.  

People often give me looks and wonder why I am not able to figure out this simple automatic contraption.  My daughter has now become my own personal swinger when we go powder our noses together.

By the time I am visiting the sinks, I have already failed twice with the other ‘user friendly’ gadgets.  The automatic toilet NEVER flushes for me, even after doing a little merengue dance. I end up having to press the tiny yucky wet button with my hand or foot myself – in order to flush.  It is quite traumatic.

Forget about using any soap on my hands before attempting to rinse.  The #%&@ soap will not dispense for me either.  What have I done to deserve such discrimination?


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Finally, if I have been fortunate enough to have someone help me with the sink and my hands are actually wet…you guessed it.  The automatic paper towel dispenser will not dispense!  I swing those hands back and forth, I see a green light indicating that paper is near…but – NADA.  I just wipe my hands on my pants and leave the premises discouraged, once again.


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I am considering wearing my handicap placard that I have for my car around my neck when going to public restrooms, so as to elicit pity and assistance.  After all, my daughter will not always be there to swing for me.

I am not sure this constitutes as another official example of my BEFD, but when wearing custom jewelry (ok, cheap jewelry), my skin turns black.  Not only my ring fingers but my wrists and neck.  I know that discoloration of the skin is normal with metals but, it happens right away.

I can only hope that my BEFD will work to my advantage someday. Like, being able to swing my hands in front of a cash register to stop it from working allowing me to take home my items for free.  Or, flashing my hands in front of a scale and making it stop at 100 pounds.

How about using my disability when purchasing a lottery ticket and causing it stop at my numbers?  You get my point.  Why, oh why must I continue to suffer like this?

Perhaps I will do what the skinny long-haired woman (minus the gray hair) on my first photo is doing.  I will go outside during the next torrential rain when the lightning is rabid, and get hit.  This will throw off my Bizarre Electromagnetic Field and make me a regular human being, allowing me to flush toilets, own working watches and wear as much cheap jewelry as I deserve to wear.     


11 thoughts on “The Swim to My 50s – My Bizarre Electromagnetic Field Disability

  1. This is so wild! It must be so frustrating.
    The day before yesterday, I blogged a post. I always get so nervous when I press publish. I walked through the bathroom to the closet and with every step, something cracked snapped or popped. I must have thrown some kind of crazy energy!
    I hope you had a blast in Cali! Thanks for coming to the party!


  2. I haven’t been able to wear watches for years. They stop. Simply stop. And, although it hasn’t happened recently, whenever I walked through a parking garage the lights over my head would go out. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.


  3. This is clearly God’s way of telling you to insist on gifts of EXPENSIVE jewelry only (poss not watches, though). I was thinking maybe I could stand in lightning and get a bit of this, but it’s more likely I’ll end up with a frightwig and no eyebrows …


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